The improvement of the foundations of a family

Extracted from: Rasekhoon

When a girl and a boy get married together, they have a lot of differences in beliefs, behaviors, custom, tastes and feelings. Even if marriage is done carefully and there are minor differences among them, there must be disagreements which may result in damages. Therefore, spouses should learn special skills so that they can have a secure life.

Training spouses

Most of family problems resulting from lack of the recognition of spouses from their duties are effective factors in the consolidation or disintegration of a family and the solution of their problems. Hence, one of important approaches in solving family problems is training approach. It is recommended in narrations that a Muslim must spend time evaluating his or her behavior and if his or her behavior is evaluated positively, he or she should seek its continuity from God and sustain his or her behavior, and if he commits a fault neglectfully or deliberately, he or she will seek forgiveness from God and make his or her determination to abandon that behavior. Researchers propose to increase the quality of husband-to-wife interaction to raise awareness of the needs of spouse to prevent marital maladjustment. Another way is to teach family skills in identifying coping skills in the family system and people's behavioral training for effective use of abilities. In some cases, a person needs guidance in accordance with his or her particular circumstances. In such cases, referral to the counselor can be a way of solving problems. A qualified advisor should have the following features: they must have enough knowledge and experience, be familiar with the limits of God's orders and prohibitions so that their solutions within the framework of the guidance of merciful and wise God, should be familiar with the culture and tastes of their audience, should be confidential, should not reveal the secrets of their clients to anyone and give them enough time to advise.

The continuous assessment of family relationships

The successful family deals with its continuous monitoring of its performance as well as its profit and loss, and then plans for the future.
It has been ordered in the narrations that a Muslim man has an opportunity to evaluate and evaluate his or her behavior every day, and after this evaluation, if he is positive, he will praise God and seek God for his continuity. If he commits a fault neglectfully or deliberately, he or she will seek forgiveness from God and will make his or her determination to abandon that behavior. Imam Kazem (peace be upon him) states:
''Whoever does not evaluate his or her actions every day is not from our disciples. If he or she succeeds in doing a good deed, he or she will ask God to do more of it and thank God, and if he does a bad deed, he must seek forgiving from God and repent''.
Permanent assessment of family behaviors and the elimination of their defects will keep the family from damages.

Avoidance of suspicion

One of the important factors in creating family disputes is negative impact on the thoughts and behaviors of spouse. With regard to the destructive effects of suspicion on the relationships of spouses, they must learn solutions to escape pessimism and negativity, some of them include:
- Considering the types of probabilities that can be imagined for the behavior of spouse, avoiding a definitive (negative) judgment about that case which will result in the discovery of many incorrect judgments as well as avoiding repetition of the wrong judgments that make the judge worthless. - Avoid suspicion; God has said in the Quran: وَلَا تَقْفُ مَا لَیْسَ لَکَ بِهِ عِلْمٌ ۚ إِنَّ السَّمْعَ وَالْبَصَرَ وَالْفُؤَادَ کُلُّ أُولَٰئِکَ کَانَ عَنْهُ مَسْئُولًا
''And pursue not that of which thou hast no knowledge; for every act of hearing, or of seeing or of (feeling in) the heart will be enquired into (on the Day of Reckoning''. And Imam Ali (peace be upon him) also said: "Anyone who denies his suspicion about his religious brother has a right wisdom and relaxed mind"
- Avoid companionship with hypocritical and slanderous individuals; Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him and his family) said "Man will be on the shoulder of his friend and companion". Control yourself and control of eye, ear and mind because many suspicions result from the lack of respect for spouse's privacy, the discovery of his or her behavior and speech, and then irrational speculation.
Considering the negative effects of suspicion and the positive effects of good sense and positive thinking; one of the positive effects of good thoughts is that a person can be related to the peace of heart, to win the love of spouse, to avoid guilty and to enjoy the eternal paradise.
If everything indicates the health of spouse's behavior, but he does not calm down and is constantly caught up in pessimism, he or she must visit a psychiatrist or psychiatrist to be treated.
If a person's suspicion is proved and spouse commits a mistake, it is desirable for a person to review his or her behavior whether he or she done a mistake and if necessary, he or she must reconsider his or her behavior.
It should also be taken into account that husband and wife should avoid behavior that causes suspicion in their spouses and should avoid hiding the matters of their life as much as possible, inform their spouse of their daily routine, and if a change is made, to inform him or her about it, to explain questions to him or her earlier, to consult with him or her in the affairs of life, and to pay tribute and respect to his wife or her husband with respect.

Correct reaction with the defects of spouse

The girl and the boy who marry each other get acquainted with each other's qualities, and know each other's good and weak points more and more. When faced with flaws, you should perform some things that can prevent emotional coldness and tension among family members:
1. Some defects are personal and do not harm family relationship. In such cases, it is better not to give attention to such minor faults and pay more attention to modify the behavior. Imam Ali (AS) said: the life of a person who does not neglect much of his or her life will be dark." The neglect of spouse's mistake causes that prestige and respect of spouse is preserved and some moral values like forgiving a person who has forgiven to be strengthened.
2. A person who wants to modify his wife or her husband's behavior must prioritize the modification of his or her behavior. The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said "Blessed is on a person who is so busy with the discovery and reformation of his or her imperfections and he or she does not see the defects of others." Such an experienced person that has a hard time changing his or her behavior will be his wife or her husband unfriendly more fairly. Pay attention to the following recommendations to correct your spouse's behavior:
- First, remind her of her good features and then admire him or her for having those good qualities. Then express that your goal of criticizing only solving the problems of common life.
- To express your words, choose the right time for both of you to relax and avoid the general and negative phrases such as "You Never ..." and "You Always ..." as these are the words of lies and makes him or her resistant against changes and reduces his or her motivation for self-improvement.
-Identify desirable behavior and only criticize the same behavior. Express your speeches clearly and do not point at last issues when it comes to criticism such as "you came late last weekend".
- When criticizing, avoid using the word "why", such as "Why are you late" so that he or she does not get defensive.
- Avoid criticism in the community so that his or her personality is not harmed, because God has identified the garments of each other in Qurans and therefore they must cover each other's defects;
أُحِلَّ لَکُمْ لَیْلَةَ الصِّیَامِ الرَّفَثُ إِلَىٰ نِسَائِکُمْ ۚ هُنَّ لِبَاسٌ لَّکُمْ وَأَنتُمْ لِبَاسٌ لَّهُنَّ ۗ عَلِمَ اللَّهُ أَنَّکُمْ کُنتُمْ تَخْتَانُونَ أَنفُسَکُمْ فَتَابَ عَلَیْکُمْ وَعَفَا عَنکُمْ ۖ فَالْآنَ بَاشِرُوهُنَّ وَابْتَغُوا مَا کَتَبَ اللَّهُ لَکُمْ ۚ وَکُلُوا وَاشْرَبُوا حَتَّىٰ یَتَبَیَّنَ لَکُمُ الْخَیْطُ الْأَبْیَضُ مِنَ الْخَیْطِ الْأَسْوَدِ مِنَ الْفَجْرِ ۖ ثُمَّ أَتِمُّوا الصِّیَامَ إِلَى اللَّیْلِ ۚ وَلَا تُبَاشِرُوهُنَّ وَأَنتُمْ عَاکِفُونَ فِی الْمَسَاجِدِ ۗ تِلْکَ حُدُودُ اللَّهِ فَلَا تَقْرَبُوهَا ۗ کَذَٰلِکَ یُبَیِّنُ اللَّهُ آیَاتِهِ لِلنَّاسِ لَعَلَّهُمْ یَتَّقُونَ
Permitted to you, on the night of the fasts, is the approach to your wives. They are your garments and ye are their garments. Allah knoweth what ye used to do secretly among yourselves; but He turned to you and forgave you; so now associate with them, and seek what Allah Hath ordained for you, and eat and drink, until the white thread of dawn appear to you distinct from its black thread; then complete your fast Till the night appears; but do not associate with your wives while ye are in retreat in the mosques. Those are Limits (set by) Allah: Approach not nigh thereto. Thus doth Allah make clear His Signs to men: that they may learn self-restraint.
When condemning your spouse, sympathize with the problems associated with that issue. In this case, he will be more prepared to receive criticism.
- When criticizing, do not compare your spouse with others because he or she will be humiliated.
- Avoid proving yourself and sometimes quote criticism from others.
- Do not repeat criticism and instead strengthen spouse's motivation to change.
- Pay attention to the spirit of your spouse, and do not harm the male authority or female affectionate of your spouse. If your spouse accepts his or her mistake, he or she must accept his or her apology and, in accordance with his or her spouse's capacity, with respect, and with an effort to maintain his or her emotional and intimate relationship with him or her, give him or her enough time to change and the change of yourself and seek help from God. We should accept our weak points for proper confrontation with the defects of spouse. Hence, if a person criticizes his or her spouse, he or she should consider it as a gift from God which prompted him to realize his or her mistakes more quickly and erase himself or herself from the ugliness of that character. This way of responding to spouse's criticisms will make their relationship more intimate. Then, in order to change his or her behavior, he or she must maintain a positive change in order to stabilize the good behavior, and goodness becomes a person's behavioral habit. Since these changes are usually difficult, sometimes they should consider a short time and ding this short time, focus on improving this behavior, and then, tasting the sweet taste of good behavior, they the change longer.

The management of anger and wrath

One of the most important causes of the turmoil between spouses is uncontrolled anger. This makes it possible to express sentences or do things that hurt spouse and sometimes anger causes bitter controversy and serious harm to their emotional relationships. Therefore, when spouses get angry, you should pay attention to the following points:
- In the beginning, discover the cause of your anger.
Sometimes physical problems such as illness, insomnia or insomnia, some medications, hyperthyroidism, anemia, blood contamination and excessive fatigue cause anger and these kinds of problems should be resolved as soon as possible. - Sometimes anger is a psychological factor that should be applied an attempt to solve it. For example, if it is the cause of insecurity, it should be eradicated by the many promising factors around it and by creating alternative relationships rather than insecurity (such as warm relationships with the spouse).
- Sometimes the behavior of spouse causes anger and wrath. A woman is often angry with her husband's ignorance, the ridicule of her feelings, her husband's swiftness, his silence and sternness, numerous and repeated commands, many criticisms, and his attention to other women. Men are also angry with the lack of attention of a woman to care and adornment, humiliating husband, insolence, silence, and sternness as well as the attraction of other men with inappropriate coverage or words. Hence, in order to maintain peace in the family, the husband and wife should avoid such behaviors.
- If a person is usually angry without any reasons, he or she should visit a psychiatrist or psychiatrist to be treated. The person who gets angry must first express his or her mental conditions to his wife or her husband so that he or she can understand his or her behavior in a better way. Then he or she focuses on something else: watching TV, talking with a friend, drinking a cool water or syrup, and breathing deeply for several times. In any cases, he never decides in anger and does not say as much as possible. Spouses should try to prevent anger in the first place. The best way to accomplish this is to reinforce negative attitude towards anger. For example, they write poems or narratives about the ugliness of anger and expose themselves. Prophet Muhammad Ali (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) states "The beginning of anger is madness and its ending is regret. In addition, attitude positive helps to control anger ''. Some things can also prevent anger in individuals such as: forgiveness, satisfaction, and lowering expectations. Moreover, whenever we face to unfavorable affairs, we should pay more attention to pleasures along with the difficult times of the life and pleasures of the hereafter along with mundane shortcomings and trust in merciful and wise God.
Other factors that make calm and prevent destructive emotions include: proper and adequate sleep in the life, avoidance of unemployment, exercise, participation in benevolent activities, the use of nature, the use of happy colors in garment and adornments, joke and laughter and, most importantly, the remembrance of Allah as Quran states
وَیُسَبِّحُ الرَّعْدُ بِحَمْدِهِ وَالْمَلَائِکَةُ مِنْ خِیفَتِهِ وَیُرْسِلُ الصَّوَاعِقَ فَیُصِیبُ بِهَا مَن یَشَاءُ وَهُمْ یُجَادِلُونَ فِی اللَّهِ وَهُوَ شَدِیدُ الْمِحَالِ
Nay, thunder repeateth His praises, and so do the angels, with awe: He flingeth the loud-voiced thunder-bolts, and therewith He striketh whomsoever He will.yet these (are the men) who (dare to) dispute about Allah, with the strength of His power (supreme). The person who gets angry must first express his or her mental states to his wife or her husband so that he or she can understand his or her behavior better. Then focus on something else such as: watching TV, talking with a friend, drinking a cool water or juice, and breathing deeply for several times. , he or she never decides in anger and does not say as much as possible.
A woman or a man whose spouse is angry should sympathize with her or him, use words that are emotional and change the subject slowly.

Acquiring problem solving skills

People face many problems during their lives. Living with a spouse also has a lot of sweets and pleasures and difficulties. How to deal with these problems will have an impact on the strengthening of family relationships or the weakening of the foundation of the family. Hence, wives need to learn problem-solving skills in these situations. To train this skill, it is necessary to pay attention to these points:
Life pressures are like the accumulation of steam in the closed pot that suddenly causes the pot to burst. Therefore, pressures must not be accumulated, but they should be extracted in the right way.
The difficulties of the life should be considered as "matter" and some attempts should be applied to solve it. Difficulty is ambiguous, insolvable, and general whereas matter is clear, solvable, partial and specific. By using the word of the matter instead of problem, unconsciously, hope is applied to solve in a person.
Learning the problem-solving skill causes that a crisis is created in the family, person feels empowerment, his or her self-esteem increases, his or her psychological pressures reduce, and comfort is established in his or her life. Since solving a problem is a sign of human understanding, solving problems can increase the trust of spouse, relatives and friends as its solving may discourage this trust.

The stages of problem solving:

First, you must define the problem clearly, obviously and precisely. For example, if the spouse of a person does not pay attention to him or her, we must recognized whether it is due to emotional probelm or the lack of satisfaction of sexual needs or fatigue due to excessive work or ...; Imam Ali (peace be upon him) says: ''when things are clear to you, decide. "
We should identify the goal and correctly ensure it. Sometimes people determine the goal wrongly or go wrong in determining their priority, such as being a serious need in the family economic constraints and trip for fun.
To solve a problem, you should consider several solutions. To find these solutions, thinking, creativity, awareness raising through studying and consultation with wise, devout, and helpful advisers is helpful. Solutions should be evaluated and the best one should be chosen way by considering the outcomes and consequences of each one.
By seeking help from God, you have to work to solve the problem. Imam Ali (peace be upon him) says: "Anyone who aspires for something will achieve all or part of it."
Sometimes individuals face barriers to deal with life matters which eliminates the power of problem solving. These people need to consider these obstacles and solve them. The most important obstacle is the lack of motivation. In order to strengthen the motivation to solve a matter, you should should list the negative consequences of lack of solving the problem and imagine itself in the space after solving problem and embody the pleasure of living in those conditions.