Giving gifts in marital life

Giving gifts is one of desirable affairs that has positive and valuable effects on human relationships. This affair has a special effect on the relationships of wives and husbands and the establishment of adaptability and comfort among them. Present is a gift and a message that are sent to a person in order to express affection and respect. Giving gifts is as important as the messenger of God (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) states
من دخل السوق فاشتري تحفة فحملها الي عياله کان کحامل صدقة الي قوم محاويج
'' Whoever goes to the mall, buys some gifts and gives to his family is like a person that gives charity to needy persons''.
Maybe, it does not seem that giving gift is an important affair and it is considered as a common affair. But it has special training effects that will be discussed:
The effects of gift on the adaptability of couples:
a. Granting a gift to a wife or a husband can help the adaptability of couples from different aspects such as:
a. Moral purification:
Its effect on one of the most important affairs that has a role in the adaptability of couples is to get them away from bad attributes as indecent attributes are seen in struggles and argumentations. Since giving gifts removes most of indecent attributes, it can lead to the comfort and understanding of couples in the marital life. The messenger of God states تَهادُّوا فَاِنَّ الهَدِيَّةَ تَسُلُّ السَّخائِمَ
'' Give gifts to each other. In fact, giving gifts causes more friendship''.
Therefore, giving gifts causes that most of bad features get away from a person that gives gifts and a person that receives gifts easily. Meanness, grimness, animosity and … should get away from a person that gives gifts so that he or she can give gifts to others. A person that receives a gift provides the ground of purification from indecent attributes such as vanity and animosity.
Amir Al-Momenin (peace be upon him) states in a narration that giving gifts removes some personal and social problems.
One of indecent attributes that is removed with giving gifts is animosity. Whenever a person is sad from his wife or her husband, there is no hope to their adaptability and the establishment of comfort in their family. The effect of giving gifts as much as old animosity is removed from the depth of his or her inner. In different narrations, the effect of giving gifts in more friendship is given special attention. For instance, we mention one of the narrations of the messenger of God (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants)
تهادّوا تحابّوا تهادّوا فانها تذهب بالضغائن
'' Give each other gifts so that it can become the ground of affection among you. Therefore, giving gifts each other removes animosity''.
As in can be understood from the previous matters, one of the consequences of giving gifts is the inner purification of a person.
b. The attraction of affection
Giving gifts not only removes animosity from a person that gives a gif and a person that receives a gift, but it also establishes affection among them. According to different narrations, the attraction of affection is one of natural results of giving gifts.
Occasions for giving gifts
Giving gifts can leave its own effects in any time and it does not depend on occasions. However, this effect is more in some occasions.
One of occasions that increases the effect of giving gifts is national and religious festivals. Among religious festivals, Khadir Khom (the appointment of Imam Ali as the guardian of Muslims) has a special position and it is recommended to give gifts to children and couples on that day.
Giving gifts after travelling has a wonderful effect on the unity of hearts and the comfort of family.
It is not necessary to give gifts in specific occasions; however, granting it in some occasions such as festivals, the birth day of couples, marriages and … has more conspicuous effect on the emotional relationships of couples.
The motivation and intention of giving gifts
Giving couples can happen in different motivations.
The kinds of gifts
Gift that a person grants to his wife or her husband includes different kinds. Generally, it can be divided in two material and spiritual kinds.
Purpose from material gift is completely clear. A person tries to know the spirits of his wife or her husband, to recognize the favorite material needs of his wife or her husband and to give gifts in occasions. Gifts are not only material, but they are also spiritual. Advice is one of the best gifts.
It can be understood from different narrations that gift does not have always material aspect and a person can give spiritual gifts from the bottom of his or her heart to his wife or her husband in a friendly and valuable way.
In some cases, we should avoid accepting gifts, but it is not discussed in detail here. When bribery is given as a gift, we should avoid accepting it, but giving gift is desirable as it was said.
Skills for the increase of the effect of giving gifts
With paying attention to some skills, the effect of giving gifts increase remarkably.
Some of these skills will be discussed:
a. recognition of tendencies
Women and men have their own tendencies and these tendencies should be considered in the selection of the kind of gift. Hence, paying attention to the material value of gift is not only solution, but it may also create some problems. For example, if a man gives to his wife a lot of money as a gift, he expects that his wife does not have problems any more. Such a husband does not let his wife become sad because he thinks that he has given to his wife the most facilities whereas he should know that emotional needs are not met with money and when her material needs are met, she thinks about her emotional needs more.
What influences gift is emotions accompanied with it. There are a lot of emotional effects in some gifts that a person that receives it should recognize them. For example, the result of recent searches about gift broadcasted through the media was the most beloved gift for women is a branch of flower that their husbands grant them. Even they would like to receive flowers in light color in the spring and flowers in red color in the winter.
Moreover, the tendencies of the opposite side should be considered in giving gifts. The specific tendencies of wife or husband should be recognized and they should be considered in giving gifts. Our wife or husband may hate what other wives or husbands like. Hence, those cases should be recognized and whatever our wife or husband likes should be given as gifts.
b. Positive reinforcement
In this way, when a wife or a husband says something or does something in order to leave good feeling in the opposite side, the opposite side appreciates him or her verbally or non-verbally. Hence, giving gift not only improves the emotional relationship of couples, but it also encourages a husband or a wife to appreciate it practically or verbally. As a consequence, it helps to establish and improve adaptability among couples.
This point is important that positive improvement can be implemented verbally and it is not only giving gifts.
The verbal improvement of a wife or husband not only is effective in encouraging and improving behavior after desirable behavior and pleasant remarks, but it is also easy and cheap and its improvement can happen easily and quickly.
c. Negative reinforcement
Negative reinforcement means that behavior is reinforced after its negative reinforcement is left out. In fact, we left out the unpleasant behavior of our spouse along with his or her desirable behavior or remarks and we confirm and improve those desirable behaviors and remarks. The following example can elucidate the role of this way: suppose that a man observes that his wife does not obey him. Hence, to prevent his wife from this undesirable behavior, according to Quran, he refuses to go to the bed of his wife. This refusal is considered as an unpleasant consequence for the woman. In such conditions, if the woman changes her behavior and obeys her husband, the man will finish his refusal. Therefore, the man eradicates this bad behavior and this is considered as a way to reinforce and improve that the woman obeys her husband. Stopping this refusal is considered as a behavioral gift that encourages the woman to follow such a desirable behavior (obeying her husband).
d. Variety
Selecting variant and different gifts influences the gift more and improves the emotional tendency of spouses. Variety leads to surprise especially if variety is to refresh the life. The feature of the life of the world is to seek change, variety and development. Of course, this request devotes this world and the quality of the heaven and its blessings are in the way that persons in the heaven do not seek its variety.
Hence, the establishment of development and variety in giving gifts in different aspects such as color, shape, material and spiritual value, the way of talking and behaving will have a special effect on using this way.