Respect your spouse

One of factors of amicable and comfortable life is to respect each other. Generally, respecting a believer provides an appropriate ground for more adaptability in the social life. In a narration, Imam Sadeq (peace be upon him) states '' respecting a believer is more than respecting Kabe (the house of God)''. Hence, disrespecting a believer is uglier than disrespecting Kabe (the house of God). This matter is as important as we should respect a believer without soul because this body was related to the soul of the believer although it is on ground without soul. Therefore, Imam Reza (peace be upon him) states
کان ابي يقول انّ حرمة بدن المؤمن ميّتا کحرمته حيّاً
'' My father, Imam Kazem (peace be upon him), stated '' we should respect the body of a believer after death as we respect it in the time of his or her life''.
The point that husbands and wives respect each other is given special attention in the holy rules of the Islam. They will be mentioned in two parts:

A. The respect of husbands toward their wives

There are some points about the respect of husbands toward their wives that will be mentioned:

1. Meeting the needs of wives

Naturally, each one has some needs and tastes and can decide about her or her personal affairs based on them. But it is necessary that couples pay attention to the needs of each other in marital life because a family is considered as a community. This matter shows respect toward the needs and tastes of others. A man may pay attention only to his own tastes and needs about food, clothing and …before he gets married. However, after he gets married, he should pay attention to the needs of his wife and other family members. Imam Sadeq (peace be upon him) narrates that the messenger of God (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) stated
المؤمن يأکل بشهوة اهله و المنافق يأکل اهله بشهوته
'' A believer eats according to the desire of his or her family and a hypocrite family eats according to his or her own desire''.
Considering the desire of persons that are under the management of a person is considered as respecting them. The Islam considers this kind of respect desirable and mentions it as the signs of piety. Amir Al-Momenin (peace be upon him) states about the ground of paying attention to this matter
انهنّ اَمانة الله عندکم فلا تُضارَّوهنّ و لا تَعضُلوهُنّ
'' Indeed, women are the trust of God in you. Therefore, you should not harm and imprison them due to your tyranny''.
Therefore, Imam Sadeq (peace be upon him) states
رحم الله عبداً اَحسن فيما بينه و بين زوجته فان الله عزوجل قد ملَّکه ناصيتها و جعله القيم عليها
'' God's mercy be upon a person that makes a good relationship between himself and his wife. In fact, God leaves the affairs of women to their husbands and has considered men as the policy maker of the affairs of their wives''.

2. The division of tasks

In some areas, it is common that a woman does all of the affairs of the life and men have a fun. This kind of life is not desirable in the holy rules of the Islam. Basically, men should not have such an idea and should not be irresponsible in the affairs of the life and make women shoulder all of affairs. Generally, the affairs of the life include activities at home and out of home. The best kind of the division of tasks is that women take the responsibility of the affairs at home and men the affairs of out of home. Imam Baqer (peace be upon him) states ''
تَفاضي عليٌّ و فاطمة الي رسول الله (صلي الله عليه و آله و سلم) في الخدمة فَقَضي علي فاطمة بخدمتها مادون الباب و قَضَي علي عليٍّ (عليه السّلام) بما خلفه؛
'' Hazrat Ali (peace be upon him) and Hazrat Fateme (peace be upon her) asked about the division of tasks in common life from the messenger of God (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants). Then the messenger of God stated '' Hazrat Fateme (peace be upon her) takes the responsibility of affairs at home and Imam Ali (peace be upon him) out of home''.
When affairs are divided, women feel that they have a position in the life and apart from obligations, they have rights. Hence, their respect should be preserved''.

3. Respecting women based on their spiritual structure

Cliché and fixed behaviors are not always considered as respect. Sometimes, silence in the presence of a person is considered as respect and sometimes communicating with a person is considered as respect. Respecting a great scientist is that we behave politely in his or her presence, not ask him or her lots of questions and wait until he or she teaches and gives us advice. In contrast, when we are in the presence of a common person, repeating some of his or her remarks and completing his or her short sentences can be considered as paying attention to him or her and his or her remarks. Hence, we cannot consider silence or talking as the signs of respect absolutely, but each one can be considered as the sign of respect in its own situation.
A university student was trying to show his professor that he could understand the remarks of his professor well with completing the sentences of his professor. His great professor did not consider such a behavior pleasant and said to him '' you had better use your ears rather than your tongue whereas most of common persons do not consider such a behavior as attention. When men face to women, they should respect them according to their spirit.
Hurting the feelings of women and their freshness and using them in inappropriate situations violate the rights of women. Enforcing women to do difficult activities, having manly expectations from them and not paying attention to their appearance spoil them. They should be led to perfection as they are. We should allow women to think about details, but we should guide them to examples of details that lead to their perfection. This modification has no bad consequences. Moreover, prudence and management are expected from men, but we cannot want them to act emotionally and look at details.

4. Avoiding behaving grimly

The personality of a woman is as weak as we should not talk and behave grimly even though they do not behave properly. It is necessary to behave them generously and kindly. To avoid behaving grimly, we should pay attention to several points:
a. A person that believes that he should remove the weak points of his wife grimly should focus on his own features so that he can understand whether he has weak points or not. If he has weak points, would he like that others behave him grimly in order guide him perfection? It is a surprise that some persons do not like that others behave them in such a way, but they like to behave others in such a way.
To avoid behaving grimly, we should focus on our weak points and remind ourselves that we do not like that others behave us grimly.
b. Think about our future. After we behave our wife grimly, what is our expectations from our wife? Emotional matters are in contrast with unwillingness. If we expect that our wife as human has a close relationship with us, we should know that grim behavior does not provide a ground that she can be the center of affection toward us. After we behave in such a way, we can have a common life. How can we look at the face of each other and expect smile from our wife? We should guess whether she has a positive attitude toward us and sees the life as the center of affection? On the other hand, we should think about how we should behave our wife. Should we be satisfied of sexual intercourse and get away from her?

B. The respect of women toward their husbands

There are some points about the respect of wives toward their husbands that will be mentioned:

1. Welcoming and accompanying

One of behaviors that a women can respect her husband is to welcome her husband when he enters house. Moreover, to respect their husbands, women accompany their husbands when they leave home.
Imam Baqer (peace be upon him) states '' a man came to the presence of the messenger of God (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) and stated '' when I enter home, my wife welcomes and when I leave him, she accompanies me''. The messenger of God (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) stated '' in fact, God appoints agents and this women is one of the agents of God and the half of the reward of martyr is granted to her.
Respecting husbands has such effects. From the point of the Islam, it is not appropriate that women ignore such respects due to their shyness and the unreligious mind of some persons.

2. Ignoring the faults of their husbands

Women that do not try to prove their right remarks in daily behaviors are the best. Whether women commit mistakes or their husbands, it is appropriate that women forestall to reconcile. Women are expected such respect. Women that are the representative of affection are expected to be selfless and to step forward to reconcile. Imam Sadeq states '' the best wives are women that if their husbands become angry from them, they say to their husbands '' I cannot sleep if you are not satisfied of me''.
Even if there is an argumentation not due to the ugly behavior of women, it is appropriate that women step forward to gain the satisfaction of their husbands.

The results of respecting wives

Some results of respectful behavior with wives will be mentioned:
Spiritual benefit: because a believer is clever and sagacious, he or she tries to do actions that are easy and simple, but they have reward and value.

b. Worldly benefit:

With such respect , not only does human use worldly benefit, but they also gain some benefits in this world.
Naturally, everyone has an inner desire to the life and the life is as everyone likes apart from its problems and disadvantages. Hence, we should seek behaviors that make the life of human longer. Being aware of such behaviors motivates human to do such behaviors. Imam Sadeq (peace be upon him) states '' God increases the life span of everyone that does favors to his or her family''.

Necessary points

There is no question that it is necessary that women and men respect each other in the life and the enjoyment of the life is from mutual respect. However, a point should not be ignored; respect and obeying are two separate matters and each one has their own features that should be discussed separately. Two points are recommended about parents: respecting parents has no conditions and we should respect them regardless of how they behave and what beliefs they have. However, obeying them includes some conditions. If their beliefs are not right or their behaviors are not according to the religion, children not only should obey them, but they should not also follow their beliefs and behaviors.
There are some recommendations about the respect of women toward their husbands and the obeying of women their husbands. Of course, the features of these two cases are different. First: men should issue some orders even though they are without any faults. Second, if men order inappropriate affairs, whether behaviors or beliefs, women should not obey them, but they should behave their husbands respectfully. However, such religious recommendations are about husbands toward their wives. In religious texts, men are recommended to respect women, but it is not recommended that men should obey women.
Obeying women by men is not discussed in religious recommendations. Of course, if women would like to behave in a specific way and men understand its worldly and afterlife benefits and women do a good act, it will be a logical and desirable action. Basically, Islam has left the prudence of the affairs of family to men.
Hence, there is not a necessary relationship between respecting and obeying and Islam recommends so much that men should respect women and if there are not unnecessary expectations along with it, this recommendation can have a useful effect on adaptability among couples.

Skills for respecting couples in marital life

To respect your couple, you should know his or her spirits and needs at first, understand his or her world and recognize what behaviors he or she considers as the sign of respect. In this area, different moods that a wife or a husband has represent the kind of expected behavior and the sign of respect. In this part, the selection of suitable ways that couples respect each other will be mentioned:

1. The world of men is logical and the world of women is emotional. The secret of intimacy among them is that they can understand each other and accept this difference in their point of view. Hence, the acceptance of the different world of couples is a way to respect each other.
2. Men would like to remain silent in the time of problems and difficulties and solve them in their mind whereas women would like to talk when they face to problems. In fact, when they talk, they create a friendly relationship and improve their womanly need. Therefore, if we let them talk, we respect them.
3. When women fact to problems, they not only would like to talk, but they also like that someone listens to their remarks and sympathize with them. When men are in the inner world of their mind, they do not like that no one disturbs them. Listening to the remarks of women actively and not disturbing men in the time of problems are considered as mutual respect. In consultation skills, listening actively is ''hearing remarks well''.
4. Since women are extremely emotional, they think that they can become sad in some cases. Men should tolerate this mood that comes from their nature. This is considered as one of the secrets of intimacy. If we accept that they can become sad in some situations, we have respected them. From time to time, you should tell them '' it is natural that you become sad from such a topic.
5. When women moan from their problems and express them, in fact, they do not want that their problems can be solved, but they say them for the sake of expressing them. In such situations, men should not solve problems and present solutions based on their own world. They should listen to the remarks of their wives at least ten minutes without saying anything and saying phrases such as '' that's what happened', '' what pity!'', '' I became sad'' and …encourage her to talk so that they can have good feeling. Women do not accept that their husbands solve their problems; moreover, they do not like that they remain silent completely and do not react against the remarks of their wives. Hence, in such situations, expressing short phrases, men can respect their wives.
6. When men come back home, they would like that the difficulty of their work is removed with the emotion and feeling of their wives. Hence, women should welcome their husbands with open arms. If you see that they are in the world of their mind, you should leave them alone for a short time. Then women should provide grounds that men can talk. In such situations, women should express their emotions and feelings for their husbands. Hence, providing grounds for changing situations is considered as one of the symbols of respecting husbands or wives.
7. Men cannot talk, feel and think simultaneously, but women can do them at the same time. Therefore, if you make a woman talk, she can think as well. Respecting women is implemented when we provide a ground that they can talk as well as think. But since men need trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, confirmation and encouragement, women should behave in the way that they feel that their wives trust them, accept them, thank them for small favors, encourage and pursue them and they are respected.
8. Men are looking for freedom and independence. Their wives should not dominate on men in the marital life, should not deprive them of their independence and freedom and change them to useless persons in the management and prudence of the life. Hence, respecting them is implemented when women provide a ground that men make decisions and supervise.
9. Men and women create ups and downs with getting away from their wives and husbands. Therefore, they cut their relationship and refresh this relationship again. It is appropriate that they can tolerate when they are far from each other so that they can appreciate the enjoyment of being with each other. This appreciation will lead to more support in the future.
10. Sometimes, women avoid expressing their feelings. When they find someone confidential for their secrets, they express feelings. Hence, men should be confidential persons for their secrets so that their wives can express their feelings. Your wife sometimes may be happy and sometimes sad. Understanding their feelings, men can respect them. Women should feel that they are accepted as they are and men have selected them as they are and they should not feel that men have selected them in order to get away from the current situation and to enter a desirable situation. This is considered as the greatest symbol of respecting her. Women should feel that they are under the favor and attention of men and men cannot live without them. When they feel that men want them as they are, they consider you as their confident persons.
11. Paying attention and concentrating on the good features and valuable points of women makes them an attractive symbol. When men behave women grimly, they weaken their manly position and disrespect women. Do not struggle with women because you will be loser and will censure only yourself. Hence, paying attention to the good features of women and forgiving their faults are considered as a kind of respecting them.
12. Paying attention to minor physical aspects has a remarkable effect on couples. When your couple talks to you, you should look at their eyes beautifully and when your wife or husband talks, you should listen to your wife or husband enthusiastically. Do not frown and always have little smile on your lip. Laughing makes the bitterness of your life sweet. Pay attention to the kind of clothes and appearance that your wife or husband likes and wear the color of cloths that your wife or husband likes.
13. Sometimes, Provide a ground that your wife or your husband feels that they have won and everything represents that they are the winner of the field. Such feeling does not decrease your greatness even little, but such feeling causes that they are in higher position. Considering failures, we can achieve victories and we can learn how to succeed from our failures.
14. When women think that they are respected, they understand it through their senses (hearing, seeing and touching) before they recognize this respect through analysis and the relationships of cause and effect that is a mind affair. Do not forget to say the phrase '' I love you''. Say romantic words, laugh and walk together and hold her. Never think that saying romantic words are not necessary and if she thinks more, she will understand that you respect and love her and express intimacy and friendship.
15. It is a stupid thought that enjoyment is only for men in sexual intercourse. You should prepare your wife for the enjoyment of sexual intercourse and you should prepare yourself for your wife as you like that your wife prepare herself. Some women imagine that men want them for their enjoyment. Your duty is to eradicate such imaginations. The rank of women is exalted. Hence, paying attention to human relationships in sexual intercourse is to consider women and to respect them.
16. You should let your wife do activities and should not prevent her from doing activities that are not harmful for her and your life. You should not prevent her from going to the house of her parents; otherwise, she will not forgive you. She considers such a prevention an insult. Especially when she is pregnant, they need their mother so much. Letting her do activities is considered as a symbol of respect.
17. Exhibit men as great persons. When they do a job, you behave in the way that they think that they are unique. You should not find faults in them, should not censure them and admire their job and skills so that you can be loved by them. You should let your husband admire themselves and show off. Self-esteem is necessary for them. You should behave them in the way that they do not feel that they have lost it. They should not feel that they are not important, but they should feel that they have an important position and their wives care about their opinions in all of affairs. Men consider this as a kind of respect. You should tell them that they are the best husband in the world and you are so happy that they are your husband.
18. Do not compare your wives and husbands with other wives and husbands and avoid mentioning the good features of other husbands and wives in the presence of your wife or husband. Such a behavior has bad effects on relationship among couples. Our wives or husbands are exclusive persons and have negative and positive features that are not comparable with other persons. If you compare your wife or husband with others, your wife or husband thinks that they are disrespected. You can compare your wife or husband with the features of your wife or husband in the past. This causes that your wife or husband is more respected and this increases the ground of understanding.

If you put yourself in the shoes of your wife or husband, can understand your wife or husband's interpretation from matters in the life and see matters and the world from your wife or husband's point of view, you can achieve understanding with your wife or husband. In such a situation, good relationship in its deep meaning influences our life. The symbol of this thought is to respect each other. This norm represents value feeling that you consider for your wife between yourself and in the presence of others. If you see matters from the point of view of your wife or husband, when you share the same thoughts, you can confirm them and when you consider matters unnecessary, you can make your wife or husband start an effective conversation with your silence and suggestion. The worst wives or husbands are persons that neutralize the effect of the remarks of their spouses on others.