The way of dealing with shyness and aloofness

The basis of the treatment of shyness and aloofness is the recognition and treatment of the reason of its likely factor. A part from the treatment of the factors of shyness and
The way of dealing with shyness and aloofness
The way of dealing with shyness and aloofness


Translator: Zahra. Kalaa
Source: rasekhoon.net


Children between two and five years old
The basis of the treatment of shyness and aloofness is the recognition and treatment of the reason of its likely factor. A part from the treatment of the factors of shyness and aloofness (if there are any factors), we can modify it will applying a series of principles in most of cases. The basis of the treatment of shyness and aloofness of children include: the avoidance of mistakes in training, the modification of insecure emotional relationship (the change of the structure of thinking, emotions and perceptions), the improvement of the self-confidence of children, the training of social skills and problem solution and dealing with problems.
Notification: treatment may sometimes take a lot of months and years.
a. The avoidance of training mistakes
One of factors that intensifies and causes shyness and aloofness is to apply wrong ways in training children and unfortunately, some parents commit them involuntarily and without awareness. Some of the most important ones include:
You should never show that your child is shy and aloof in the presence of others and do not let others do such a thing. For example, if you are in a place along with a person or a group and the third person says kindly that your children feel shy, you should say '' no, they are not, It takes time for them to get along with others and new situation.
You should not sneer at his or her shyness and behavior. First, children under the age of five cannot understand humor and second, pointing at the weak points of others and violating the rights of others can be immoral actions and sneering at them can be even worse than them. We should laugh together not laugh at others.
You should never sneer at a child even you are kidding and avoid using negative words such as shy, timid, awkward and …
Do not show your worry for problem that your child has.
You should never censure your child.
If your child does not answer questions in a conversation, you should never answer them and apologize instead of your child and you should try to get the attention of others toward your child with expressing some matters.
If your children are sneered by peers, you should support him or her and show that you can understand his or her sadness and try to explain him or her within his or her understanding that such a thing is the weak point of another person not him or her. In such situations, if you tell a memory or an experience that you were made fun of in your childhood and the way that you reacted against them, it will be highly effective in the decrease of the sadness of your child.
You should never compare your child with other children. You can confirm and encourage the good and positive behavior of another child that your child has not seen. For example, you can look at and tell to your child'' the child had friendly and comfortable behavior, didn't she? ''
You should admire and encourage your child if he or she behaves without shyness. You can say to your child '' how nice you told your age''.
If your child is not comfortable and feels shy or he or she has the feeling of fear and worry, you should not insist on him or her.
b. The establishment of the feeling of security, assurance and trust
One of mental aspects of a shy person is to have doubt and hesitation toward himself or herself, others and conditions. The feeling of security and assurance are formed within the unconscious mind of a child in the first year of birth and it is called'' secure emotional relationship''. A secure and sure child knows that persons are usually reliable and it is possible to trust their remarks and promises. He or she believes that most of persons are kind and good and they do not want to hurt or misuse him or her. Therefore, he or she is comfortable in the expression of feeling and emotions and communicates with others easily. He or she knows well that a day will arrive after a night and there are ups and downs in the life and although there are pain and misery in the life, there is a way for achieving comfort, happiness and the mitigation of pain. Such a feeling can be created if all of needs of a child are met immediately and kindly. Fortunately, parents can modify damages of mind of a child with proper knowledge and behavior and diligence between four and five years old and at least at teenager due to the wonderful feature of brain. Therefore, we should behave child in a permanent and routine way, should be honest and commitment to promises and should trust him or her. To achieve this purpose, following the following points will be useful:
a. You should specify a comfortable place for telling stories and talks between two persons. A child may want to sit back on you, put his or her head on your legs, lie down on sofa or sit across from you. Act however your child feels comfortable.
From time to time, sing along with your child and do happy movements.
When you leave house, if your child like, walk hand in hand.
You should always look for the good and positive behaviors and points of you child and admire them immediately.
Spend at least thirty minutes with your child (one of parents or both of them) and stop any actions that cut this relationship. For example, turn off your cell phone or explain him or her that you have to turn on your cell phone because you have an important job. This time you spend with your child is different from other times that you spend with your child such as the time of eating dinner, doing usual activities before going to bed and …
When your child wants to talk to you, if you have a glass of water and should give it to a thirsty person, you should stop it and you should listen to your child with all of your means. We should pay attention to the non-verbal remarks of your child such frowning, anger, laughing and … seriously as you pay attention to the remarks of your child and you should reach and answer them in a right way.
Take him or her to the play land of children once or twice a week.
From time to time, have group play that seem to have a kind of cooperation such as guesting the name of an instrument through a play and…
Get help from your child in easy jobs and appreciate and thank him or her whether he or she has done it completely or not and admire his or her job such as washing car and …
Ask his or her opinion about affairs that are related to your child and if there are no serious dangers, act them such as the color of his or her room and clothes and sometimes, your child makes a decision about where you eat out and …
When your child shakes a hand, you should hold him or her and express love and affection toward him or her even for sweet laugh especially father should apply more attempt in this area and you should be worried that he or she becomes spoilt. Affection and love prevent from cases that a child becomes spoilt and they are not its factors.
Enact few permanent and certain rules and regulations such as brushing teeth before going to bed, lack of applying ugly words, sleeping at room and …
As long as child is three years old, parents should apply all of ways for the security and freedom of a child and do not resort to notifications and regulations.
Provide a safe for the preservation of important things of your child and let your child use them.
When you are together such as the time of eating dinner, each family tries to express interesting events that have happened during day and each family member expresses his or her opinion about some matters.
Do not tell a lie to your child, do not hide something from him or her and try to be honest with him or her within his or her understanding. For example, if you have argued with your spouse and your child asks '' mother! Are you sad?'' you should not say that I am good, but you should say '' yes, my dear daughter and son! I am little angry and sad, but I am happy that you are smart enough to understand my sadness and think about me and now I feel better''.
You should try to keep your promises exactly and implement them without any excuses about them and without changing anything about your promises.
If you have serious problems and disagreements with your spouse, you have to refer to family consultant.
c. The improvement of self-confidence
Self-confidence is formed as the feeling of security, trust and friendship are formed and apart from the previous points, the following points should be considered:
You should observe cases related to the feeling of security and assurance.
You should accept your children as they are and you should not have extra expectations.
Grant your child all of your kindness and affection.
Do not expect that your child be a champion and a unique person. Let your child have childish behaviors even if your child is genius in an area, it should be arranged that other talents of your child can be fostered and he or she becomes absolute not a strange person. Most of scientists and genius persons were not different from other children in childhood.
If your child has physical problem that can be solved, you should modify it even if it is necessary, you should sell your jewelry so that you can modify the problem of your child.
You should avoid supporting and controlling your child excessively and you should recognize the boundary of lack of attention and control. As a general principle, children can know themselves and foster their abilities through test and trial because children do not have the power of reasoning and logic thinking before seven years old. The role of observation and support of parents for the preservation and prevention of children from danger is serious and important. We should let children do activities that are within their ability and their completion stage and as long as she can apply her or his attempts in doing a job, we should not interfere in them and we can provide a condition so that the possibility of his or her success increases.
We should consider two or three options for all cases that are related to children such as food, garments, play and … and let children select one of them and we should have only the role of a supporter. For example, if you want to go to play land with your child, you can show him or her two kinds of shoes and garments that you guess that your child will love and ask her or him which one he or she likes to wear for going to park.
Even if your child likes to wear his or shoes in reverse, you should not disagree with him or her and only explain about it briefly. The role of your support is that you carry the pairs of shoes and if he or she wants them, he or she can wear them. In such time, you should not express any remarks and behaviors about the mistakes of your child and you are right because his or action is a kind of creativity and your child should be admired.
Do not interfere in the jobs and activities of your child until he or she cannot deal with them. In these cases, it should be arranged that a child can succeed in activities that are within his or her abilities or you want him or her to let you help him or her especially when they are at elementary school.
All of children are growing until puberty and are acquiring new skills and abilities and they do several good jobs and new skills every day. You should recognize all of good jobs and new skills and admire and encourage all of them without exaggeration and lying.
Avoid provoking the sense of competition in your child and comparing your child with other children.
Try to fail in some games so that you can show your child that failure is not the end of the world, but it is a bridge toward more attempt and success.
From time to time, make mistakes so that you can show your children that we may make mistakes and we should accept the responsibility of our mistakes, try to modify them and do stop our attempts for better attempts and hope for improvement.
From time to time, make ridiculous actions along with your children. For example, walk in playground or park without shoes, paint the faces of each other with paints and make-up equipment and create happy times and if you are a mother, grow mustache and if you are a father, wear a scarf.
Have a play once a month (especially animal characters and the change of roles) and each family member stand and sing in turns once a month.
A person with good self-confidence should accept and respect himself and herself as he or she is, should recognize his or her weak points, should believe in his or her abilities, should consider himself or herself as a lovely person and does whatever he or she likes and considers them as right actions. The duty of parents is that they send such messages to their children and in their behaviors and remarks and in this path, they support them.
You should celebrate first day that your child said no to you as the day of the start of the independence of your child, respect the opinions of your children and get along with them if their behaviors and remarks are not in contrast with important principles and regulations.
c. The training of social skills
If you want to train your children in a better way, at first, you should be able to recognize the nature and quality of the shyness of your child, when your child is shy, with whom your child feels shy, in what conditions he feels shy and …so that you can have more concentration and attention in those areas and plan more appropriate programs. The most important social skills in such ages include playing with peers, the appropriate principles of talking, finding friends and the establishment of friendly relationship.
Pattern, the conception of playing, play partner and friend in the mind of a child:
A two-year child
Two-year children play together and they may spend their half time looking at each other and take the toys and things of each other. They do not have the interest and ability of cooperation, group play and playing together.
A two-year or three-year child
In such ages, ownership has the conception of place. A child imagines that his or her toys are a part of his or her life and children cannot understand that if he or she gives his or her toys to his or her play partner, they will give them back and they will own them again and they imagine that they will lost them forever. Hence, you should not imagine that such a child is bad and selfish. The process of cooperation is formed little by little.
Two-year-old or three-year-old children are highly self-centered still and they cannot understand and accept the opinion and feeling of other persons even if you explain them so much. Hence, when they play together, you should have the expectation of different struggles that are short and temporary and try to be along with them so that you can prevent from physical hits.
A three-year or four-year child
In such ages, children have relationship with each other through expression and common points. For example, they say to each other '' you have a red ball and I have a red ball too and …'' They cannot express their opinions to each other and they would like to have friendship based on conditions. For example, they may say '' if you give this to me, I will be your friend''.
A four-year child
In this age, the sense of cooperation and paying attention to each other become more in children, but in return, sometimes they will have the sense of completion and will try to deal with each other.
A five –year child
In this age, children can understand the sense of cooperation and show well that they can participate in group plays effectively. Children can recognize differences among persons and try to compare their activity and themselves with others. In fact, they want to show their abilities and show off.
When children are five years old or six years old, children have relationship with each other as play partners and there is no serious, deep, permanent and friendly relationship among them and they may have unfriendly relationships with each other. If it is necessary, there will be no problem to change paly partners of your child.
How can children find friends?
Basically, all of children will answer the basic following question so that they can make a decision whether they want to have friendship with other children in their unconscious mind:
Will this child make me happy and cheerful?
Sense of humor, cheerfulness, having specific skills and abilities and the tendency and ability of cooperation and collaboration are considered as positive features for this question and harshness, invasive mood, intervening behavior, maliciousness, selfishness, defensive mood, aloofness, shyness and the power of low perceptions are considered as negative features for this question.
Is he or she reliable?
Assurance, honesty, confidentiality and loyalty are considered as positive answers to these questions and invasive mood, harshness, lying and revealing secrets are considered as negative answers to this question.
Can you influence me in a way that I like?
The ability of cooperation and positive answer and reaction are considered as positive features and invasive mood, harshness, presidency, flexibility and stubbornness are considered as negative features.
Will my friend help me in my purposes?
Cooperation and assistance are considered as positive features and interference and sensitivity are considered as negative features.
Does my friend help me to have good feeling toward him or her?
Assistance, kindness, the expression of affection and friendship and appropriate answer and reaction are considered as positive features and insulting, maliciousness, lack of answer and reaction and unkindness are considered as the negative features of children.
Does he or she have similar features to me?
Similar interests and values, respecting the promises and treaties of a group, being peer, having common gender and race are considered as the features of attraction.
The answers of the above questions not only have important and deep effects on relationships among children, but they will also have such effects on other forms of relationships such as relationship between parents and children, relationship among adults and marriage.
The position and value of the above norms and factors are different in different ages. For example, when children are at preschool and are the first and second grade of elementary school, the answer of the answer of the first question has special importance and when they are teenager, confidentiality and loyalty have special importance.
Some of these positive and negative features have important role in the attraction and lack of attraction by peers, but all of these features and general personality of a child are important. For example, if a child is sometimes selfish and humorous and has special skills especially in sport and he or she is sometimes kind and helps others, he or she will be accepted by others. But if such a child has few positive features, he or she will be rejected by others.
Helping a child in the establishment of friendship
Regarding the previous matters, we can recognize the problems and abilities of children about areas that are related to planning and effective actions.
The most important pattern of the behavior of children are their parents and any kinds of their requests should not be in contrast with the behavior of parents.
The starting point of relationship
The first step in social relations is greeting. Although it may seem a common matter, such simple words, hi, good job, how're you? And have a good day, can have good effects on the person and opposite side deliberately or accidentally as superficial laugh can have positive effects on the spirit and health of a person in spite of the fact that its effects are less than real laugh. You should be used to greeting with all of family members colleagues and persons that you have relationship with directly especially in the presence of your children. A child that hears such sentences several times during a day and sees such behaviors will learn and apply them within few months.
The mood of face not only influences others, but it also influences the emotions and spirits of persons if the mood of face is false. These studies show that when put a pen between teeth, laughing face is superficial and then they read ridiculous matters, topic seems more ridiculous than reading them with usual face. Laughing face seems more attractive and friendly. Hence, you should try to smile when you are with your children. Little by little, your child tries to laugh.
Maybe, the most difficult job in relationship is to find excuses for the start of relationship. In these ages, the best technique for the start of conversation is to admire the action and belongings of opposite side. Therefore, you should try to beak ice (start conversations) in the presence of your children. For example, if you go to the park with your children and there is a child near you, you can say to him '' what a beautiful picture of dinosaur you have on your dress! '' And then you look at your child and say '' what's your idea? Isn't it beautiful? And …
The second way is asking descriptive questions from opposite side. For example, if a child is playing with a specific toys, you can ask him or her some questions such as '' what beautiful toys! How does it work? How fast can it move?''. In such conditions, most of children would like to answer and explain in order to show their abilities and this can be enough for the start of relationship. Apply all of these, you can teach your children to learn direct request for participation in playing and keep of relationship with others.
When you are with others in an appropriate time, you should try to create reasons and excuses for talking to others. One of simple ways is asking and answering. When you go to a shop and want to buy something that is not in your sight, after you look around for few minutes, you look at your child and say '' let me ask a person in charge'' or '' I do not know how this works, but do you know how it works''. If his or her answer is negative, you can say '' let me ask the owner of store''. You can show your child that you do not know a lot of things and asking and knowing have no problem, but they are pleasant and useful.
The creation of chances of familiarity and playing
One of very effective ways in teaching social skills to children is visit and familiarity with persons and children in different ages with the presence of father and mother. Going to park, visiting neighbors, relatives and friends that have children in the age of your children will be so useful. In this relationship, you should consider the following points:
When your children are two years old, you can start reading story books whose content and conception are about cooperation, sympathy and the perception of emotions and feelings of others for your children.
You can show the way of collaboration and behavior with others with easy language and with enjoyment and cheerfulness with throwing toys and acting roles. These plays should not take over ten or fifteen minutes because children in these ages can be get bored easily. In these plays, leave the role of a person in charge to your child.
You can visit one or two children of relatives, neighbors and friends so that children can play together in your house or in their house. As long as there enforcement, misuse and physical pressure, you should not interfere into the play of children, but you have direct and consistent observation. Let your children learn how deal with disagreements and problems and solve them.
You can talk about good experiences of your child with his or play partners.
The role of kindergarten and nursery school is as important as the role of parents. You should be exact and sensitive in the selection of such centers.
You should have close relationship with the teacher of your child and get information about the situation of your child completely.
If your child goes to kindergarten, let your child play by himself or herself at home except weekends. There is no need that your child plays with other children all day every day and goes from one class to another class. Kindergarten has enough stress on your child and it is enough for his or her growth. You should support and help your child so that stresses during day can have positive and pleasant effects.
If it is necessary, you can bribe so that you can find a good partner for your child's play.
Teach your child an activity, an art or craft.
All children would like to show off their talents. Regarding the age and ability of your child, you can teach him or her art and crafts. Therefore, children can influence others more easily and want their cooperation in group play.
The training of cooperation
The basic principle of group work and friendship is cooperation. Teach the conception of cooperation to your children with taking care of the following points:
Children that have low age cannot understand collaboration well and imagine that if they give their things and belongings to others, they will miss them forever. Explain your child that when he or she gives his or her toys to his or her friend, he or she will become happy and satisfied with playing with them. Then he or she will give them back. Moreover, teach your child that if he or she shares his or her food with his or her friend, he or she will become happy and both of them will enjoy it.
It should reminded that the conception cooperation is that you share something with the permission of his or her owner. Hence, when you eat something, you should not take food from the plate of your spouse without his or her permission at least in the presence of your child.
Show your child the examples of collaboration during family daily life and explain your child about cases that you should not share your things with others such brushing and …
Read two stories that represent the conception of collaboration for your child.
Make the conception of collaboration meaningful and tangible for your child with the understanding of the feelings of other persons.
Ask the opinions of each other about different and simple topics.
The training of the perception of feelings and emotions and sympathy
One of other necessities of collaboration and friendship with others is the perception of feelings and emotions and sympathy.
When your child has reached the age of four, you should teach him or her main feelings with play, the change of the mood of face and giving examples such as anger, sadness, happiness, anxiety and fear. For example, when you do not pay attention to me, I feel sad or if a person picks up your toy without permission, what will you feel? And …
Make the atmosphere of family full of affection and kindness and honest with all family members.
You should recognize the emotional reactions of your children and other family members, express and should help them.
Talk to your children about the feelings and emotions of others in different situations of daily life such as the time of watching TV programs. For example, you can say '' don't you think that the child that is looking down is bored? Or he is sad? Look! It seems that the dog is suffering from a lot of pain. In your opinion, what is the child thinking about or what should she do?''
Teach your children with your behaviors and actions that they should be grateful of the favors of other persons. For example, you can say '' honey! Thank you. Your food was so delicious''. If you make a mistake on the behalf of a person, you should apologize and try to make it up.
Show your child difference in supervision, opinions and tastes among different persons.
You should try to be a good pattern for your child for the proper expression of feelings and the control of negative feelings. For example, you can say '' now I am angry for your job and I want to be alone so that I can feel comfortable. Then we will talk to each other''. When you face to negative feelings and experiences of your children, a hug full of affection and kindness, fondling and the expression of sympathy with children will be the best reaction. In such cases, you should not try to cover his or her feeling or the factor of its creator in different ways. For example, you should not say '' has your friend hurt you? Or hasn't your friend played with you? Or let's go to the park together or let's go to eat ice cream together'' These can be considered as the worst kind of reaction. In such cases, you should try to help him or her so that he or she can find solution or answer for the factor of his or her sadness if it is possible. Therefore, the power and ability of appropriate confrontation with problem and its solution are created in him or her. For example, you can say '' did you become so sad? In your opinion, why did he or she do that? In your opinion, has she done it deliberately or accidentally? Or you can say her that her action is not appropriate and it has hurt me and …''
You should apply the pattern of romantic and imperative training. In fact, it should be few rules and regulations that are fixed, logical and intellectual along with specific consequences based on affection and kindness.
You should avoid humiliating, censuring, making fun of and pointing at your children. In such ages, children cannot understand humor and second, any kinds of judgment and remarks are considered as the rule of God and are established within the inner of children. You should not say '' don't be such a naughty girl'', but you should say '' when we are at the house of other persons, we do not touch their furniture without permission and we do not go up their sofa. Now I need little comfort and want you to go to the yard and play there''. Or you can get the attention of a child to another thing.
Have collaborative plays instead of competitive plays for your children.
You should try to improve the spirit of sport not winning.
The training and improvement of patience and self-control
One of important features of personality is the power of controlling desires and delaying enjoyment and pleasure at the present time for the gain of more enjoyment and satisfaction in the future. We can improve such things in children with delaying answers to the needs of children and delaying enjoyment and reward. To achieve such a purpose, we should follow the following points:
Delay the request of your child for few seconds or gradually fir few minutes within the ability and understanding of your child, the importance of topic and appropriate conditions. For example, your child says to you'' mom! Can you read this story for me?'' You say to your child '' Yes, dear. Wait until I make food, or the food may burn, so I should go and turn it down, or count from one to ten, I …''.
Determine time table according to the age of your child. For example, you can say to your child '' it is not the time of watching TV and it is four when your father arrives home, or we sleep for two nights. Then we go to the kindergarten and …''. From time to time, consider appropriate and short-term program and purposes for your child, suggest two or three rewards or prizes that you think that your child will like and let your child select his or her reward among them. For example, if your child does not put his or her toys in their own places, you can suggest your child that if he or she puts toys in their own places, he or she will select his or own favorite prize and reward. In these ages, reward should be immaterial cases such playing with water in the yard or going to the zoo and …
Explain about the way of the growth of pant and show it on a picture.
Improve the ability of your child for the control of desires of your child through the technique of ignoring a tempting topic and focusing on his or her purpose. This technique should be practiced for months and years so that it becomes a habit.
The training of observation of turn
Our daily life should be full of waiting and observation of turn. When children are around thirty six months, they cannot understand it. Paying attention to the following points can help them in this area as it is observed, the necessity of the observation of turns is ability in waiting and controlling it:
Explain the conception of turn verbally and objectively to your child.
You should remind cases about turn and the observation of the rights of others in daily life. For example, sentences such as '' it is our turn in the line of buying bread, or in playing it is your turn and …
Arrange some plays in turns such as throwing and kicking balls in turns and…
You should determine and change turns through techniques such as lion or line, or stone, sheet, scissors, or clock alarm
You can repeat such a sentence '' in appropriate time, when you finish playing with him or her, I can play with her so that they can be kept in their mind''. For example, you can say '' your sister is playing with bicycle still. You'd better paly with ball so that your turn arrives''. You should choose short pause among turns when children just start their plays. After the kind of play changes, you can increase the duration of waiting for turn in later sessions so that the duration of waiting for turn reaches few minutes. If there are more persons, we can achieve this purpose more easily.
You should bear in mind that a three-year-old child can be able to follow and concentrate on a stage in each time. Hence, a clear instruction should be given for each stage in plays. For example, you cannot say '' put dolls on the table and toy cars under the table''. But one of them should be said at each time.




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Saturday, August 29, 2015
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