The reformation of family after divorce

Extracted from: Rasekhoon

Families face to a lot of damages. Although the inner atmosphere of a family is desirable, external events including war and natural events (earthquake, flood, disease and death) causes a lot of pressures on a family. Sometimes, some families have undesirable conditions. These kinds of families continue their life in spite of their tension and sometimes, they become disintegrated due to different problems.

1. The improvement of moral values

After the experts of family issues suggest different recommendations to solve the problems of children and spouses, they suggest divorce. They face to this undeniable fact that these are no solutions for the mentioned problems except the agreement and cooperation of divorced husband and wife.
Islam as the religion based on morals emphasized on the flourishing of moral virtues. The emphasis of Quran on divorce along with benevolence represents this matter because good divorce can be implemented through moral values;
الطَّلَاقُ مَرَّتَانِ ۖ فَإِمْسَاکٌ بِمَعْرُوفٍ أَوْ تَسْرِیحٌ بِإِحْسَانٍ ۗ وَلَا یَحِلُّ لَکُمْ أَن تَأْخُذُوا مِمَّا آتَیْتُمُوهُنَّ شَیْئًا إِلَّا أَن یَخَافَا أَلَّا یُقِیمَا حُدُودَ اللَّهِ ۖ فَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ أَلَّا یُقِیمَا حُدُودَ اللَّهِ فَلَا جُنَاحَ عَلَیْهِمَا فِیمَا افْتَدَتْ بِهِ ۗ تِلْکَ حُدُودُ اللَّهِ فَلَا تَعْتَدُوهَا ۚ وَمَن یَتَعَدَّ حُدُودَ اللَّهِ فَأُولَٰئِکَ هُمُ الظَّالِمُونَ
A divorce is only permissible twice: after that, the parties should either hold Together on equitable terms, or separate with kindness. It is not lawful for you, (Men), to take back any of your gifts (from your wives), except when both parties fear that they would be unable to keep the limits ordained by Allah. If ye (judges) do indeed fear that they would be unable to keep the limits ordained by Allah, there is no blame on either of them if she give something for her freedom. These are the limits ordained by Allah; so do not transgress them if any do transgress the limits ordained by Allah, such persons wrong (Themselves as well as others.
وَإِذَا طَلَّقْتُمُ النِّسَاءَ فَبَلَغْنَ أَجَلَهُنَّ فَأَمْسِکُوهُنَّ بِمَعْرُوفٍ أَوْ سَرِّحُوهُنَّ بِمَعْرُوفٍ ۚ وَلَا تُمْسِکُوهُنَّ ضِرَارًا لِّتَعْتَدُوا ۚ وَمَن یَفْعَلْ ذَٰلِکَ فَقَدْ ظَلَمَ نَفْسَهُ ۚ وَلَا تَتَّخِذُوا آیَاتِ اللَّهِ هُزُوًا ۚ وَاذْکُرُوا نِعْمَتَ اللَّهِ عَلَیْکُمْ وَمَا أَنزَلَ عَلَیْکُم مِّنَ الْکِتَابِ وَالْحِکْمَةِ یَعِظُکُم بِهِ ۚ وَاتَّقُوا اللَّهَ وَاعْلَمُوا أَنَّ اللَّهَ بِکُلِّ شَیْءٍ عَلِیمٌ
When ye divorce women, and they fulfil the term of their (´Iddat), either take them back on equitable terms or set them free on equitable terms; but do not take them back to injure them, (or) to take undue advantage; if any one does that; He wrongs his own soul. Do not treat Allah´s Signs as a jest, but solemnly rehearse Allah´s favours on you, and the fact that He sent down to you the Book and Wisdom, for your instruction. And fear Allah, and know that Allah is well acquainted with all things.
فَإِذَا بَلَغْنَ أَجَلَهُنَّ فَأَمْسِکُوهُنَّ بِمَعْرُوفٍ أَوْ فَارِقُوهُنَّ بِمَعْرُوفٍ وَأَشْهِدُوا ذَوَیْ عَدْلٍ مِّنکُمْ وَأَقِیمُوا الشَّهَادَةَ لِلَّهِ ۚ ذَٰلِکُمْ یُوعَظُ بِهِ مَن کَانَ یُؤْمِنُ بِاللَّهِ وَالْیَوْمِ الْآخِرِ ۚ وَمَن یَتَّقِ اللَّهَ یَجْعَل لَّهُ مَخْرَجًا
Thus when they fulfil their term appointed, either take them back on equitable terms or part with them on equitable terms; and take for witness two persons from among you, endued with justice, and establish the evidence (as) before Allah. Such is the admonition given to him who believes in Allah and the Last Day. And for those who fear Allah, He (ever) prepares a way out.
یَا أَیُّهَا النَّبِیُّ قُل لِّأَزْوَاجِکَ إِن کُنتُنَّ تُرِدْنَ الْحَیَاةَ الدُّنْیَا وَزِینَتَهَا فَتَعَالَیْنَ أُمَتِّعْکُنَّ وَأُسَرِّحْکُنَّ سَرَاحًا جَمِیلًا
O Prophet! Say to thy Consorts: "If it be that ye desire the life of this World, and its glitter,- then come! I will provide for your enjoyment and set you free in a handsome manner''.
یَا أَیُّهَا الَّذِینَ آمَنُوا إِذَا نَکَحْتُمُ الْمُؤْمِنَاتِ ثُمَّ طَلَّقْتُمُوهُنَّ مِن قَبْلِ أَن تَمَسُّوهُنَّ فَمَا لَکُمْ عَلَیْهِنَّ مِنْ عِدَّةٍ تَعْتَدُّونَهَا ۖ فَمَتِّعُوهُنَّ وَسَرِّحُوهُنَّ سَرَاحًا جَمِیلًا
O ye who believe! When ye marry believing women, and then divorce them before ye have touched them, no period of ´Iddat have ye to count in respect of them: so give them a present. And set them free in a handsome manner.
Moreover, Quran disapproves that couples hurt each other before and after divorce;
وَالْوَالِدَاتُ یُرْضِعْنَ أَوْلَادَهُنَّ حَوْلَیْنِ کَامِلَیْنِ ۖ لِمَنْ أَرَادَ أَن یُتِمَّ الرَّضَاعَةَ ۚ وَعَلَى الْمَوْلُودِ لَهُ رِزْقُهُنَّ وَکِسْوَتُهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ ۚ لَا تُکَلَّفُ نَفْسٌ إِلَّا وُسْعَهَا ۚ لَا تُضَارَّ وَالِدَةٌ بِوَلَدِهَا وَلَا مَوْلُودٌ لَّهُ بِوَلَدِهِ ۚ وَعَلَى الْوَارِثِ مِثْلُ ذَٰلِکَ ۗ فَإِنْ أَرَادَا فِصَالًا عَن تَرَاضٍ مِّنْهُمَا وَتَشَاوُرٍ فَلَا جُنَاحَ عَلَیْهِمَا ۗ وَإِنْ أَرَدتُّمْ أَن تَسْتَرْضِعُوا أَوْلَادَکُمْ فَلَا جُنَاحَ عَلَیْکُمْ إِذَا سَلَّمْتُم مَّا آتَیْتُم بِالْمَعْرُوفِ ۗ وَاتَّقُوا اللَّهَ وَاعْلَمُوا أَنَّ اللَّهَ بِمَا تَعْمَلُونَ بَصِیرٌ
The mothers shall give such to their offspring for two whole years, if the father desires to complete the term. But he shall bear the cost of their food and clothing on equitable terms. No soul shall have a burden laid on it greater than it can bear. No mother shall be Treated unfairly on account of her child. Nor father on account of his child, an heir shall be chargeable in the same way. If they both decide on weaning, by mutual consent, and after due consultation, there is no blame on them. If ye decide on a foster-mother for your offspring, there is no blame on you, provided ye pay (the mother) what ye offered, on equitable terms. But fear Allah and know that Allah sees well what ye do.
Quran also encourages couples to follow moral virtues such as kindness and forgiving;
وَإِن طَلَّقْتُمُوهُنَّ مِن قَبْلِ أَن تَمَسُّوهُنَّ وَقَدْ فَرَضْتُمْ لَهُنَّ فَرِیضَةً فَنِصْفُ مَا فَرَضْتُمْ إِلَّا أَن یَعْفُونَ أَوْ یَعْفُوَ الَّذِی بِیَدِهِ عُقْدَةُ النِّکَاحِ ۚ وَأَن تَعْفُوا أَقْرَبُ لِلتَّقْوَىٰ ۚ وَلَا تَنسَوُا الْفَضْلَ بَیْنَکُمْ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّهَ بِمَا تَعْمَلُونَ بَصِیرٌ
And if ye divorce them before consummation, but after the fixation of a dower for them, then the half of the dower (Is due to them), unless they remit it or (the man´s half) is remitted by him in whose hands is the marriage tie; and the remission (of the man´s half) is the nearest to righteousness. And do not forget Liberality between yourselves. For Allah sees well all that ye do.
Quran also emphasizes on the consultation of divorced couples about affairs related to children;
أَسْکِنُوهُنَّ مِنْ حَیْثُ سَکَنتُم مِّن وُجْدِکُمْ وَلَا تُضَارُّوهُنَّ لِتُضَیِّقُوا عَلَیْهِنَّ ۚ وَإِن کُنَّ أُولَاتِ حَمْلٍ فَأَنفِقُوا عَلَیْهِنَّ حَتَّىٰ یَضَعْنَ حَمْلَهُنَّ ۚ فَإِنْ أَرْضَعْنَ لَکُمْ فَآتُوهُنَّ أُجُورَهُنَّ ۖ وَأْتَمِرُوا بَیْنَکُم بِمَعْرُوفٍ ۖ وَإِن تَعَاسَرْتُمْ فَسَتُرْضِعُ لَهُ أُخْرَىٰ
Let the women live (in ´iddat) in the same style as ye live, according to your means: Annoy them not, so as to restrict them. And if they carry (life in their wombs), then spend (your substance) on them until they deliver their burden: and if they suckle your (offspring), give them their recompense: and take mutual counsel together, according to what is just and reasonable. And if ye find yourselves in difficulties, let another woman suckle (the child) on the (father´s) behalf.
The acceptance of new conditions
The important duty of couples is to get along with divorce. They should achieve desirable adaptability with the use of cognitive and emotional ways. The mental health of divorce children depend on the health of a person that accepts to take care of child. The mental and emotional health of person that takes care of child and her adaptability with environments and conditions after divorce is efficient in the support of a child against stresses and contrasts resulting from divorce. The features of a child including such as age, emotional moods and gender are important in this matter.
The improvement of social links
The other solution of Islam in this area its the improvement of social links such as kinship relations, friendship and neighborhood through emphasizing on some values such as visiting relatives and other devout persons. The effective presence of relatives, neighbors and friends along with a person that has got divorced and their financial and emotional support from her and her children can have an important role in the reduction of negative effects. School, especially sympathetic teachers and consultants can have very important in the support of children in adaptation with conditions after divorce and meeting their emotional needs.
Paying attention to the needs of children after divorce
Mental health of the children of the divorce depend on factors such as the mental health of the guardian who cares for child. The emotional and mental health of the guardian and his or her proper adaptation to the environment and post-divorce conditions are very effective in protecting child against stresses and conflicts arising from divorce. The characteristics of child such as age, emotional states and gender are also important. It is important that parents cooperate each other to support the care of the child. They should separate the role of their parents from their as spouse. From the point of view of Islam, the responsibility of parents is not abolished by divorce, and they must deal with the affairs of their children with consultation and brainstorming as Quran states
وَالْوَالِدَاتُ یُرْضِعْنَ أَوْلَادَهُنَّ حَوْلَیْنِ کَامِلَیْنِ ۖ لِمَنْ أَرَادَ أَن یُتِمَّ الرَّضَاعَةَ ۚ وَعَلَى الْمَوْلُودِ لَهُ رِزْقُهُنَّ وَکِسْوَتُهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ ۚ لَا تُکَلَّفُ نَفْسٌ إِلَّا وُسْعَهَا ۚ لَا تُضَارَّ وَالِدَةٌ بِوَلَدِهَا وَلَا مَوْلُودٌ لَّهُ بِوَلَدِهِ ۚ وَعَلَى الْوَارِثِ مِثْلُ ذَٰلِکَ ۗ فَإِنْ أَرَادَا فِصَالًا عَن تَرَاضٍ مِّنْهُمَا وَتَشَاوُرٍ فَلَا جُنَاحَ عَلَیْهِمَا ۗ وَإِنْ أَرَدتُّمْ أَن تَسْتَرْضِعُوا أَوْلَادَکُمْ فَلَا جُنَاحَ عَلَیْکُمْ إِذَا سَلَّمْتُم مَّا آتَیْتُم بِالْمَعْرُوفِ ۗ وَاتَّقُوا اللَّهَ وَاعْلَمُوا أَنَّ اللَّهَ بِمَا تَعْمَلُونَ بَصِیرٌ
he mothers shall give such to their offspring for two whole years, if the father desires to complete the term. But he shall bear the cost of their food and clothing on equitable terms. No soul shall have a burden laid on it greater than it can bear. No mother shall be Treated unfairly on account of her child. Nor father on account of his child, an heir shall be chargeable in the same way. If they both decide on weaning, by mutual consent, and after due consultation, there is no blame on them. If ye decide on a foster-mother for your offspring, there is no blame on you, provided ye pay (the mother) what ye offered, on equitable terms. But fear Allah and know that Allah sees well what ye do.
Therefore, parents should support each other's roles in meeting child's needs. For example, if mother is a trainer, father acknowledges her role, or mother considers the time for child to have emotional interactions with father. In addition, weakening and discrediting each other will result in unpleasant consequences for children. One of the main Islamic strategies to reduce the negative consequences of divorce is that divorced persons marry another person again. Re-marriage, especially in the existence of children from the former marriage, will cause particular problems for spouses, but its positive effects in various fields, especially the reduction of financial, emotional, and sexual problems of spouses, and the increase of their mental health, cannot be denied. Because of the strong emotional relationship of children with parents, children attribute the gossiping of parents from each other to themselves and mentally as they consider parents as a part of their personality. Parents should also accept that they differ in their feelings about ex-spouse and the feelings of the child toward themselves.
Strengthening the role of father after divorce
Islam leaves the main responsibility for the care of the child to men. According to law, the custody of children up to the age of seven is the responsibility of mother. Fathers not only have to support child in any ways, especially financially but also supervise and assist in various affairs. According to studies, one of the most important criteria for assessing the level of child's reconciliation with the environment after divorce is the level of father's activity in the stage of his life. Father must continue to express attention, affection and emotional interactions with child, must work for his social and moral development, must be informed of his educational status and leisure time, must spend time with him and must try to have fun with him and meet his needs and psychological needs.
Remarrying
One of the main Islamic strategies to reduce the negative consequences of divorce is that divorced persons marry again. Re-marriage, especially in the presence of children from the former marriage, will cause particular problems for spouses, but its positive effects in various fields, especially the reduction of financial, emotional, and sexual problems of divorced persons and their increased mental health, cannot be denied. In other words, remarriage, regarding husband's financial responsibility in Islam, causes that divorced woman greatly relieve financial problems and heal many of mental wounds from discriminatory marriage. Undoubtedly, there is no better alternative than remarriage to resolve sexual problems of divorce (stopping sexual desire and sexual insecurity for women without husband). Reducing spouses' problems will increase their abilities and abilities to pay attention to the needs of their children, to address their problems and to provide better care and more effective monitoring of their behavior.