Ways of removing barriers in marriage

Extracted from: Rasekhoon
Increase of financial and non-financial expectations of persons and families, false customs, tendency of boys to achieving high social and economic positions before marriage, tendency of girls to social positions the same as men out of home, free relationships between boys and girls, family problems, mental obsessions, changes of ideals for selecting spouses, lack of suitors for girls, military service and studying at university are considered as the barriers of marriage.

Continuing education

Most of girls and boys consider marriage as a barrier in marriage and they imagine that if they marry, they cannot continue their studies whereas marriage can have better effects on studying. The following points should be considered in marriage: The early days of marriage can influence education. Therefore, marriage should not coincide with main examinations. We should not have high expectations for marriage portion, dowry and house. If we have low expectations in these cases, we will have easier marriage. Wedding ceremony should not be held in the early semesters of university.
After marriage, they should encourage each other in education warmly so that they can achieve more successes in the life.
We can have mental comfort with contentment and have more progress in education and research.
Husband and wife should help each other in house affairs. Families should support their children after they get married.
Unimportant affairs should be ignored during day such as going to party and watching TV programs so that appropriate chance can be provided for important affairs.
Studying should be done when husband is not at home because studying in the presence of husband can be considered a kind of lack of attention.

Educational level

If the education level of a boy is lower than a girl, he can be a good husband, but he should be mature enough to accept family responsibilities, would like his wife to continue her education and has good job and high general information.

Economic matters

Economic matters should not be considered as barrier in marriage and if there are basic facilities for marriage, it can be done. Boys should try to find an appropriate job and may find their ideal jobs in the future. Girls should pay attention that boys can meet their financial needs. We should not have high expectations for marriage portion, dowry and house. If we have low expectations in these cases, we will have easier marriage. Families should try to have lower expectations in wedding ceremonies so that they can not be at debt after holding ceremonies. The financial conditions of a boy should be considered in marriage and an ideal marriage portion should be considered.
In most of Iranian families, dowry provision is left to girl's family. Sometimes, false cultures and customs can arise troublesome problems. According to Islam, dowry provision is not left to girl's family and this matter is only custom. If boys and girls are mature and intellectual enough, they should get married as soon as possible. If boys and girls get married in the beginning of youth, they will benefit the blessings of marriage and foster their talents by living together. Dowry and house are basic needs for common life and if they try, they can have larger houses and better life with more facilities.

Military service

Military service cannot be considered as a barrier in marriage and parents should help them in such conditions. If the military service of a man is in where he and his wife live, his salary will double. They should get married after his military service ends.

The divorce of parents

The struggles of parents can have negative effects on children, but such struggles and disagreements can be done secretly. Some are worried about the emotional problems of children whose father and mother get divorce, but this lack of affection and emotion can be improved by grandparents or other relatives. Others are worried that such children cannot be trained well, but persons that adopt them may train them properly. The reasons of the divorce of parents should be explained to suitors so that they can understand conditions. Parents should attend in meetings held for the marriage of their children. In fact, they should forget their disagreements due to the marriage of their children. In marriage of girls and boys, step mother and father should be invited to attend in meetings for marriage if they are considered to be intellectual and benevolent persons.

Addiction of persons

Addiction of parents is not the barrier of the marriage of parents, but search should be done in this area. If the addiction, guilt, imprisonment and moral deviation of parents threaten the life of children, you should clarify matter and reveal your different personality. We should try to foster our talents and have high social prestige.

Marriage age

If girls and boys are mature and intellectual enough to get married, they should not delay it. If boys and girls get married in the beginning of youth, they will benefit the blessings of marriage and foster their talents by living together. Get married in lower ages can have more liveliness, comfort, adaptability and flexibility for both boys and girls.
According to the tradition and custom of our country, boys should be elder than girls in marriage. If the age of girls is more the age of boys in marriage, they should be alert that they should try to take of their beauty and appearance and keep their spirit high. They should pay attention to the interests and tastes of their husbands. As they get older, their sexual needs decrease; therefore, they should try to meet the sexual needs of their wives.

The disease of parents

If the parents of a boy and a girl become sick, they should not delay their marriage. They may miss their suitable cases in marriage. Moreover, their parents become resentful if they get married late. To solve this problem, they should employ a nurse to take care of them or the responsibility of caring sick parents is shared by all of children.

Focusing on appearance beauty

We should not delay our marriage by focusing on beauty as a norm for getting married. Beauty is not absolute; therefore, we should change our attitude to beauty in marriage. Quran states
یَا أَیُّهَا الَّذِینَ آمَنُوا لَا یَحِلُّ لَکُمْ أَن تَرِثُوا النِّسَاءَ کَرْهًا ۖ وَلَا تَعْضُلُوهُنَّ لِتَذْهَبُوا بِبَعْضِ مَا آتَیْتُمُوهُنَّ إِلَّا أَن یَأْتِینَ بِفَاحِشَةٍ مُّبَیِّنَةٍ ۚ وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ ۚ فَإِن کَرِهْتُمُوهُنَّ فَعَسَىٰ أَن تَکْرَهُوا شَیْئًا وَیَجْعَلَ اللَّهُ فِیهِ خَیْرًا کَثِیرًا
O ye who believe! Ye are forbidden to inherit women against their will. Nor should ye treat them with harshness, that ye may Take away part of the dower ye have given them,-except where they have been guilty of open lewdness; on the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good.
The beauty of our spouse becomes a common thing for use after a while, but his or her behavior will influence our life. Persons can become more beautiful with their makeup, clothes and …Beauty is a combination of things. Many pretty and cheerful girls and intellectual sons with a little common life will look beautiful in the eyes of their spouse.
Beauty is relative. Perhaps a girl looks beautiful in the eyes of a boy while her mother does not like her.
The beauty of a girl or a boy will be a problem for spouses are zealous when their spouse communities to other girls or boys. Spouse is constantly worried and the wife or the husband will face to his or her spouse's suffering constraints.
Sometimes the beauty of a wife causes her pride and arrogance to make this common life bitter and intolerable.

False beliefs

Some misconceptions about marriage include:
1. Fear of limiting her or his freedom;
- Missing some of the freedom of the single period is the cost of the precious growth and tranquility that comes during marriage.
- In order not to feel the lack of freedom, a new plan for relationships with friends should be considered; on the one hand, this creates a new space, and, on the other hand, such a relationship is also used in a balanced manner. When choosing a wife, ask her about the freedom of single period and keeping things that are important to you so that you can reach agreement on this.
2. Fear of life problems;
- You should not forget God.
Reminding a record of victory over problems can greatly increase hope and thus reduce fear.
Consultation with successful people in life is very effective in reducing fear of confronting common life problems.
In choosing a partner, one must be careful about his ability to solve problems and struggle with them.
Problems and difficulties will end with God's help. In addition, after marriage, there will be a companion as spouse to solve the problem.
Comparing yourself with others;
- The secret of a correct choice that men and women can complement each other rather than to reaching appropriateness to friends and acquaintances. Comparing yourself with others results in despair or a rising expectation. Therefore, everyone must compare himself only with his abilities and limitations so that he or she has a better decision to marry with achieving self-recognition. Comparing marriage opportunities with other people's marriage cases (friends, family, etc.) sometimes leads to losing cases that can never be reversed.
4. Eemphasizing the marriage of older sister; younger sister's marriage before the marriage of older sister should be made in such a way that it does not cause her depression. Therefore,
Parents should speak eloquently with older sister and get her consent for the marriage of younger sister.
Parents explain the reason of this marriage clearly and reasonably for relatives and friends.
The dignity and respect of older girl should be preserved and his merits should be expressed, but they should not expressed mercifully among the crowd.
Talk to older sister about the marriage of younger sister. Parents should not talk to him after certain decision is made about the marriage of younger sister because this may cause emotional problems for her. It would be better if the suggestion of the marriage of younger sister is done by older sister.

Political discrepancies:

Differences in political ideas do not prevent marriage if Girls and boys do not oppose or disagree with general political beliefs, both or one of them has no political bias and do not combine their political views on family life issues.

Cultural differences:

In these cases, you should pay attention to the following points:
- A person can accept this marriage if he or she has the power to adapt to new and different conditions.
- A person must be familiar with the culture and customs of the person that he or she is going to get married so that he or she will avoid any conflict with them or their family and relatives. He or she must also justify his or her family in this regard.
- If the level of cultural difference is very high, this marriage will not be appropriate because most disagreements arise from differences in beliefs and behaviors resulting from individual culture.

Marrying a boy or a girl with only father or mother:

In getting marriage a boy or a girl with only father or mother, it should be noted that he or she has deprived of being a supervisor; therefore, he or she needs more emotional attention. His or her spouse must be affectionate and loving.
It may take time for a spouse to play a male or female role because of the lack of a paternal or maternal pattern. Hence, he or she should be behaved mildly. Of course, in some cases, a boy or girl with only mother or father will have lack of emotional need with the presence of grandparents or their children.

The disagreement of parents

If father or mother opposes a child's marriage, the most important event in his life will be without the approval of his greatest supporters, and the beginning of common life will be accompanied by anxiety and tension. Therefore, they should get their consent. Here are some things you can do:
- It is better to ask the reason of their opposition and think for its reasons. Perhaps they have reasons that makes him or her change his or her decision. If their disagreement is irrational, try to convince them with peace and respect and emotional relationships. One should not explicitly disagree with their irrational beliefs, but initially they should accept some of their speeches and gradually express requests.
- Use those persons who understand and accept his or her reasons and can influence his or her mother and mother and can be in the role of intermediate. This person can be relatives, friends of a parent or a cleric or counselor.
To convince parents, invite someone influencing them to talk to them. Then increase your kindness and respect to them in order to attract their love and satisfaction.

Lack of a suitable case

If there are not any suitable cases to marry, you should get help from reliable, wise and powerful persons especially friends. Relying on God and Ahle Beit can the key of solving this problem.
وَالَّذِینَ یَقُولُونَ رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّیَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْیُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِینَ إِمَامًا
And those who pray, "Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous''.

Marrying persons among relatives

One should not be afraid of marrying persons among relatives. It may be more success in these types of marriages, and more family support will be provided. Additionally, in this kind of marriage, the possibility of recognition is more and we are less deceived. On the other hand, since the customs, manners and beliefs are more similar to each other among relatives, understanding with spouse and his or her family is also greater. Marrying persons among relatives, one should pay attention to the following points:
- Do not neglect genetic counseling.
- Marriage should be based on wise choices not just adhering to customs.

Marrying the head of the family

A girl who marries the head of the family should consider the following points:
- If she has a high tolerance, accept the suggestion of marriage and increase her patience after marriage. The compassionate interference of the spouse's family, their awareness of private life issues, the lack of independence in many cases, and the simultaneous consideration of husband to the two families due to dual responsibilities and the creation of duality in the training of children can be a leading problem; however, in this way of life, when they need help, will have more supporters and can benefit from the experiences of the mother-in-law in their lives and the life of their children. Therefore,
- From the beginning, as much as possible, they should their housing apart from the housing of spouse's family.
- Try to benefit from the blessings of communicating closely with the spouse's family and managing the problems well.

Disability

Disability does not prevent marriage if a person who is going to marry a disabled person is patient and tolerant. See the various values that the disabled person has and do not humiliate him due to his disability, consult a psychologist before marrying to know all his physical or mental problems and needs and consult with those who have such marital disabilities, use their experience, and consider the qualities of belief, ethics and the culture of the family of the disabled. Persons that are both disabled should get married, but their disability should complement each other.
Of course, their families should help them when they are pregnant, childbirth, and have baby child.
The number of members of the family does not prevent marriage. In populated families, Children usually enjoy more emotional relationships because in addition to the affection of parents, brothers and sisters have affection toward each other.
- People are more convincing and consistent.
Social interaction is better for these children and they have better management ability for their problems.
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