Contentment, the serenity motive in marital life

Of the other qualities that guarantee serenity and accord of a soul mate and its absence is an intrigue for the negation of family serenity, is the characteristics of contentment. In this section of the article, the role of contentment in strengthening of the family bond is investigated and we initiate it with the conceptualization of contentment:
The concept of contentment
The word `contentment’ relates to relinquishment so that a person adjusts with the facilities that he or she possesses, and from its evidences, it is the provision of consent to a thing that he or she achieves. In the science of ethics too, the queen of contentment is considered as against `greed’ and an assurance state that causes a human being to be content up to need and requirement and do not work hard to acquire meddlesome from the property.
The importance of contentment
The contentment is encountered with such an importance in the life that Imam Zine el-Abidine (peace be upon him) in response to an individual who had inquired about the highest acts of him, mentioned that ``The highest act is that you be content with what you have in your acquisition.’ In another narration the contentment is considered to lead to the happiness of a human being.
This quality is accounted as the excellent moral quality and leads to the relation eminence between an individual and his or her superior. In addition, it has a special importance in strengthening the foundation of a family and important effects are derived from it which will be covered in this section:
The effects of contentment in the family life
The most important valuable resultants of the contentment which as well shadows the serenity of a spouse constitute:
A- Comfort
The prime sweet fruit of contentment is the individualistic comfort and ease that is endowed with this quality. When an individual is satisfied with what he or she possesses in the life and orders his or her life with consideration of the existing facilities, then he or she will be able to meet several hardships and be free from the astringent activities, concerns of the shortage, manifestation of needs to the others and etc……….In this regard the prophet of Almighty God (s) considered contentment as an ease and has mentioned that: `The contentment is an ease’. And commander of the faithful (peace be upon him) has accounted and mentioned that `the peace is resultant of the contentment.’
Even in the family dimension also, the contentment of oneself to the existing facilities will keep away most of the common life issues. A man or a woman who looks at his or her spouse as his or her asset and looks at him or her without comparing him or her with the strong points of the other, in reality has secured his or her own serenity. Besides the people who consider the weak points of their spouse and compare it with the strong point of others always have a restless spirit.
Even, the other facilities of life are the same. Those who are satisfied with what they possess and do not trouble themselves to acquire what they do not have or do not regret for not having them, will live their life with a peaceful spirit and away from the concerns. In a narration from the commander of the faithful (peace be upon him) it is mentioned that: `Satisfaction and commitment eliminate the grief.’
B- Exploitation of a pleasant life
The comfort which is sourced from the contentment provides a field where the spouses exploit a pleasant and enjoyable life. This invaluable result is stated with different interpretations in the tradition. In a narration of it in relation to a pleasant life it is interpreted that: `The person that does not have the following five things in him or her viz. health, security, needless, contentment, and a compatible spouse, the life is not pleasant for him or her.
Even in some of the narrations it is satisfied up to this extent; but the content is accounted as the most pleasant life: `the pleasantest life is contentment’. In another narration the contentment has been considered as an evidence of the life with a pure deed: It was asked from the commander of the faithful (peace be upon him) about the word of the Almighty God where he mentioned that: We will grant him or her life with a pure deed. In response, the honorable prophet mentioned that: The life with a pure deed is contentment.
Not only the contentment is the life with a pure deed, but the purest life is contentment: and in another place the prophet Amir (peace be upon him) has observed the beauty of life as the contentment and mentioned that: `the contentment is the beauty of the life’
All these interpretations show that a contented individual, from his or her spouse, from the facilities that he or she can access and most important of all is satisfied with his or her God and based on this satisfaction, besides having a peaceful conscience, he or she does not put his or her body parts and members into trouble for what he or she cannot access. Whether the life with a pure deed is nothing but this?
C- Honor
Honor and impermeability are the other invaluable effects of contentment. The individual, who is not contented with what he or she possesses, is always in a verge to resolve his or her materialistic shortage of his or her life. We all know that these shortages are endless.
On the other hand, the provision of these needs in most of the cases, is followed by the request from the others; thus from this viewpoint that an access to what an individual does not have in possession, necessitates the constant expression of requirement to the others and this is what severely endangers the honor and impermeability of an individual.
For this reason, in most of the narrations the contentment has been considered as the reason of glory and honor; particularly: `the one who wears the dress of patience and contentment turns dear and accomplished.’
In another narration, the prophet mentions that: `the contentment supreme to the honor.’ Some of the narrations even go beyond this stage and account contentment as the mot lasting kind of honor: `the most lasting honor is contentment.’
For this reason, when it was told to the Imam Baqir (peace be upon him): Who are the most magnificent humans? The prophet mentioned that: `the one who does not consider that this world is in the hands of whom.’
It is clear that an honor is the most important capital of the common life and with its existence, many of the life shortages can be ignored and a comfortable and accorded family life can be secured.
D- Assurance reformation
In addition to the individualistic effects of contentment which was referred earlier, this quality is declared as the most important fields of dandyism. The unsatisfactory quality `greed’ which is regarded as the source of much moral wickedness is treatable with the contentment. The uprooting of greed will be an initiation point for descending to the moral commandments. On this basis, the commander of the faithful (peace be upon him) has accounted contentment as a factor to encounter with the greed and has mentioned that: take a vengeance from your greed with a contentment as you take a vengeance from your enemy with retaliation.
In another place, contentment has been remembered as the most assister of an individual in the reformation of an assurance: `the most assisting factor in the assurance reformation is contentment.’ It is obvious that an individual who has attained the grace of self-reformation and is exploiting from a pious assurance, can create a peace in the family and minimize the tensions and unconformities.
The preciseness in the invaluable individualistic effects which was accounted for the contentment, leads us to this result that in order to exploit a life filled with ease, purity, beauty, along with honor and assurance reformation, one must him or herself pursuit the contentment and marry a contended partner. This is the most ideal condition that according to which the aforementioned objectives can be followed and eventually achieved.
It is traditionally narrated that a person named Abraham Karkhi came to the presence of Imam Sadegh (peace be upon him) and said that: I had a compatible wife who expired and now I have an intention to remarry. The honorable prophet mentioned that: See that where you can position yourself……….The women are of three groups: the fertilized kind woman who assists her spouse in the work of the world and his ultimatum and does not make epoch hard for him and the woman who is unfertile and unfortunate of beauty and does not help her spouse in the charitable affairs and the whacking woman who is captious and considers lot as minute and does not accept the least.
From the collection of these narrations the importance of selecting a contented spouse becomes clear. The last phrase of the recent narration specifies that the woman who accounts the high services of a spouse low and does not accept his less services, does not have a merit to be a spouse and marriage with her in a lesser extent leads to peace and accord; therefore the most important action in this direction, is the selection of a spouse who is contented and grateful.
When we hear that the prophet Sediqeh Fatimah (peace be upon her) has demonstrated an extremity of contentment in her family life, we realize that the selection of a right wife who has the same qualities, is up to what extent. It has been narrated that: One morning the prophet Ali (peace be upon him) asked Fatimah (peace be upon her) that: Whether thou has a food so that we can eat? The prophet Fatimah (peace be upon her) replied that: I swear upon the person that had cherished my father with prophecy and thou with the administration and caliphate, that I do not have anything in order to put in front of thou. In the last two days, despite the needs of ours, Hassan and my Hussein, I have given whatever we had to others. So, the prophet Ali (peace be upon him) replied: Oh Fatimah, why did thou not made me aware of this matter so that I procure the food? The prophet Fatimah (peace be upon her) replied that: Oh father of Hassan, I have a modesty from my own God, if I trouble thou for the work that thou are not able to do.
It is clear from this invaluable narration that the reservation of needs and its non-utterance to the spouse, especially when he does not have ability to provide it, is the obvious example of the contentment and the cause of a much more satisfaction of the common life.
In addition to this, it is sometimes appropriate that an individual with the realization of his spouse’s problems, not only request anything from him, but also strives to comfort him in the midst of the comfort issues and encourages him with regards to the favors of the Almighty God and relying on him.
A man came to the presence of the messenger (s) of the Almighty God and stated that: I have a wife that whenever I enter the home, welcomes me and as I exit, comes for my escort and whenever she sees me sad asks: Why are you sad? If you are unhappy about the income of yours, then the other source (God) is responsible and if you are frightened of your future, then the Almighty God will increase the occupancy of your heart. After that the messenger (s) of God mentioned that: In righteousness this integrity is an execution for the Almighty God and this woman is an executor of the Almighty God that for her is the half reward of a martyr.
Such a contented wife not only has compromised with the life issues and does not have any expectations from her husband, but also will keep away from her spouse the base of occurrence of any kind of problem in the livelihood conspectus.
An important question arises here that: If such a preciseness is not considered in the selection of a wife and an individual marries a wife who has greed and or an individual who was contented in the beginning of the common life, but in the continuation with observance of the life of others the greed backgrounds became apparent in her, then what one should do?
The interaction skills with a greedy wife
Some of the methods to confront with a wife, who is not contented with the existing facilities, include:
A- Insight endowment
The presentation of deep and wide information about the consequences of greed and contentment wherein a part of it has been discussed in the former narration is an effective factor that can to a large extent reduce the greed and zest of a wife to the materialistic affair.
B- Preaching
The preaching relates to the guidance towards the right with the useful notifications and an appropriate awareness. It has a profound effect in suppression of the fire of the greed of the others. The commander of the faithful (peace be upon him) has used this method to treat the greed and invite to a contentment and mentioned that: O human beings, if you ask from world up to your sufficiency, the least amount will suffice you and if you ask more than that, the entire things that are in the world will also not suffice you.
C- Authority endowment
If the execution of the previous stages did not prove profitable and wife still insists on her materialistic demands and does not show any willingness to the contentment, she can be either graciously made to either continue her marital life combined with content and be contented with the existing facilities or get separated from her spouse in a good manner. After the return of the most generous prophet (s) from the Khyber war the wives of the prophet requested that the treasures of the `Al Abi AlHaqiqa’ that the Muslims had taken by booty to be presented to them. The messenger of God (s) mentioned that: based on the order of the Almighty God, this property should be divided among the entire Muslims.
The wives became angry on the magnanimous on account of the said words and brought undesired matters to the tongue. During this time, the Almighty God descended the 28 and 29 paradigms of the chapter of the Ahzab of the Quran and made them gracious to either opt for the world and its luxury over the companionship of the prophet (s) and get separated from the holiness and or consider god, his messenger and an eternal life with low exploitations more superior and with contentment and abstinence from the welfares continue their simple life with the messenger (s) of the God. Oh prophet, tell your wives that: if you want the world life and its glitterati, then come forward so that I exploit you with a gift and let you go in a goodness manner and if you want the god, his messenger, and the house of the future, then the god has prepared a big reward for the goodness of yours. Of course, this encounter led to their admonition and primarily Umm Salama and after her the other wives mentioned that: we will select the god and the messenger and reconciled with the God’s messenger (s).
The art to access a marital life along with the contentment
A- The optimistic comparisons and abstinence from the pessimistic comparisons
The research in the field on the way to confront the people with marital oppositions showed that the individuals in general for solving the marital differences are making use of the following four strategies. One of these four strategies is the optimistic comparisons. The optimistic comparison relates to the valuing the marital relations in comparison to the others and convincing oneself based on this that with time lapse, the marital relations will be better.
Even on the subject of contentment, one of the factors that cause the spouses to gain a feeling of satisfaction from the economic status of their family and compromise in a desirable manner with the possible shortages, is the comparison of the economic status of oneself is with those people that due to financial characteristics are subsequently facing more difficulties.
This comparison provides a background of satisfaction from the current economic status and abstinence from the high ambitions. In the religious sources the optimistic comparison has been referred to as a route to the satisfaction of the economic situation. Imam Sadegh (peace be upon him) mentioned that: from the facilities viewpoint, look at the person who is lower than you……because this affair will make you more contended towards the dietary that is destined for you through from the Almighty God.
Due to the same reason, in our narratives it has been recommended to associate with the penurious and has been emphasized as a way to thank and consider its contentment: The prophet Ali (peace be upon him) has mentioned that: associate with the poor to increase your praises.
As with the comparison of one’s marital life positive points with those people that suffer from the economic problems, leads to the feeling of satisfaction from the economic status and results in praise and contentment, however pessimistic comparisons wherein an individual comparers the negative points of his or her economic life with the positive points of others from the economical viewpoint, leads to displeasure in the marital status of his or her and accounts to greed and distancing from the contentment.
On this basis, the abstinence from the pessimistic comparisons is an effective skill to content oneself to the marital life and is accounted as an option to maintain the spirit of praises. Considering this point, in the religious sources, to abstinence from comparison of oneself with the people who are economically regarded superior, it has been stated by Imam Sadegh (peace be upon him) that:
Do not look at those individuals that from the materialistic facilities viewpoint are superior to you; because this affair will make you more contended towards what has been destined through God for you.
It may be due to the same reason that association with the wealthy person has been considered as deprecate. Even Imam Baqir (peace be upon him) in the analysis of this matter mentioned to a man that:
Do not get associated with the wealthy people since when a servant sits besides them, accounts himself as an inclusive of the God’s blessing; but be will not arise until he considers that the Almighty God had not given him any blessing.
B- Providence
Although we cannot obstruct the past negative experiences; but always a hope for a better future exists. The future provides you an opportunity, so that with the utilization of the learning experiences and self confronting skills, improve your past mistakes and acquire much satisfaction. The future prospect conveys you hope and optimism for the new opportunities to enforce dominance and efficiency. One of the factors that cause an individual to compromise with the economic difficulties that are ruling his or her life and overcome them is keeping hope alive for a better future.
He or she should know that the difficulties are not permanent and with resistance one can overcome them and keep the hardship period much behind. Besides in this regard the Almighty God mentions that: assuredly with a difficulty an ease exists.
For this reason an individual can remember his hardship period with others, which came to an end with a resistance and was converted to ease and comfort. In the merciful Quran too, the Almighty God introduces the narration of the story of the prophets’ philosophy for its merciful messenger (s) in order to assure him that the difficulties are not permanent.
We will retell you the memoir of the prophets to calm your heart (and make your will stronger).
C- Budget systematization
The budget systematization is a specific and regular program that assists you to avail the maximum benefit from your income and money. The budget that is systematized with management assists you reach your goals and wishes. When you calculate the amount spent and follow-up the expenses at the end of that month, you will see that for each thing how much you have paid and if a few of the expenses are superfluous, then you will eliminate them and carry forward the credit to the consumption of necessary and important things. If you carefully review the invoice of the monthly expenses then you have accompanied your best and most intimate friend and an economic counselor and undoubtedly it will be your savings expense guide.
The economist advisors believe that the budget plan and systematization should always be carried out in the presence and cooperation of all the family members. Besides, if once in a while you conduct meetings and indulge children in the related topics, especially concerning about the improvement of the economic situation of the family, then you have created a cooperative spirit in them. In this case they will nullify many of their expectations and will not get angry and immoral if deprived of some of the things.
It should be noted that in the systematization of the budget, it is not necessary that minute expenses are considered accurate; since it is a difficult affair and sometimes will as well make the systematization of the budget difficult, however it is important that a general demarche of the incomes and expenses is systematized so that in this way the expenditure costs are prioritized and the incomes are allocated to the important costs.
Even Imam Baqir (peace be upon him) in relation to the importance of planning in the life, considering is at one of three factors for the accomplishment of the perfection and mentioned that:
The total perfection is in three things where one of them, is the planning about livelihood.
Even Imam Sadegh (peace be upon him) considered leniency and tenderness in the economic planning better than the economic development and mentioned that: leniency in the livelihood ordinance is better than the development in the treasury.
The reason of this affair is clear. Moreover, Elsie Stapleton (one of the greatest economist experts that was partly economic counselor of big business houses) believes that most of the people when their income increases, they increase their expenditures and resultantly again are hand-to-hand with shortage and lack of money.
D- Conversing with self
Whether you converse with yourself, with a loud or low voice, in any case, you can with use of this ability, prepare yourself to confront the difficulties. The following three methods will assist you so that you carry out this work effectively. These methods include: preparing versus difficulties, encountering them and meditation in the learning.
1- Preparing versus difficulties
You can converse with self in a way that increases your control of the situation; prepare yourself to combat the difficulties. The provision of a list viz. the fortifier can assist you. You can make use of the following sentences:
- `Sitting and worrying will not do any help’;
- `I will not make myself sad’;
- `Using the issue solving skills I will prepare a plan’;
- `It will be a good experience for me’;
- `The economic difficulties is not a thing that can uproot me’;
- `I will resist against a more difficult situation than this’.
You can as well in your mind, visualize a pleasant confronting result and in this manner prepare yourself to confront the problems.
2- Encountering the problems
When an issue arises, strengthen yourself so much from the psychological viewpoint where you feel that you will be satisfied with your performance. Tell yourself that you are a warrior and you invariably know how you can make use of your encountering skills. Learn to converse with yourself about the problems in the following manner:
- ` I am a confronter and I know that I can undertake this resistance’;
- ` I will not permit anger and anxiety to dominate me’;
- ` If I act in a manner that as if I have control of everything, I will find the solution to the problem’;
- `By confronting this difficult situation, I will increase my oppositional power’;
- `Unrest against the economic problems, will make the work worsened than it is at the present’.
3- Meditation about the learning
When you have eradicated the problem from your way, meditate for a while about what you have learnt. It is better that you realize your mistakes and ask yourself that how you can make integrity use of your mistakes. With appreciation of the correct works and also with correction of our errors we can shape our experiences. For a while meditate on your performances by saying these phrases:
- `Life is full of difficulties and I can learn to confront them’;
- `The performance was relatively good, besides next times I can act better than this’;
- ` Life difficulties will give me a chance to make use of my confrontation skills’.
E- Exemplification
Some people make contentment the epigraph of their lives and though they cannot have a leisurely life, consider the accomplishment of the spiritual values as their prime goal. They from the several facilities that have in possession are contented with the necessitated amount and allot the rest to the needy. Considering these as exemplified, is another skill that strengthens the spirit of contentment and in the confrontation of the livelihood difficulties, keep an individual away from impatience.
Imam Ali (peace be upon him) in a letter to Uthman ibn Hanif Ansari, the governor of Basra who had participated in one of the feasts of one of the wealthiest persons of Basra, mentioned that: Be aware, each follower of the leader in congregational prayers has an Imam and leadership that should give him an authority and exploit the light of his knowledge. Know that your Imam is contented with these two old dresses and from the foods, with two pieces of bread, be aware! You do not have an ability to be the same, but assist me with piety, effort, chastity, purity and following the right path. By following these patterns we can provide a route for the contentment so that a more harmony is enjoyed in the life.
F- Correspondence of demands and expectations
From the pests that threat each family, is the growth of the demands and expectations of the spouses from each other, in a manner that this kind of expectations has reached an illogical border and or their introduction disturbs the peace of life. The young spouses are often damaged from this aspect that the logical and illogical border of their prospect is indistinguishable from one another and their feelings in this passer-by will be wounded. The crisis point in the life reaches when the illogical and non-provided expectations are accumulated, the resistance of wife and husband gradually decreases and in an unpredictable moment, the conflict arises. The family that pursuits contentment with the systematization and codification of the demands and expectations, will close the way for the entrance of each divisive and instability factor in the life and will throw the expectations in the block of musts and eventually will inject the mutual understanding and the concordance spirit to his or her life. This importantly takes place when the spouses are well aware of their rights.