Affection as the basis of family

The factors of the consolidation of family:

Affection as the foundation of goodness;
The result of the affection of couples toward each other;
The ways of emotional trade;
Narrations about affection toward spouse;
The features of superior spouses in affection;
The way of the affection of women toward men;
Respectful behavior
Affection as the foundation of goodness
If there is affection in family, the difficulties of out of home will be easy and human relationship is arranged according to the basis of affection. Affection makes life easy and makes family permanent. Difficult activities can become easy with the existence of affection.
However much a wife or a husband has affection toward each other is not enough. A place that much affection has no problem is house. When affection is permanent, couples respect the rights of each other.
Affection is not absolute feeling or absolute talks. Affect is not only a feeling reaction or excitement. Affection is not only donating a gift or saying a beautiful sentence and meaningful look. All of these can be considered as the signs of kind behavior. But affection is a training manner and the way of living. Affection is the most exalted behaviors. Affection is the most beautiful exhibition of faith and the most magnificent religious behavior.
Affection is an answer to the most precious natural need. Affection is a combination of forgiveness, courage, honesty, gratitude, justice, patience, sympathy and goodness.
An affectionate behavior is a kind of behavior along with forgiveness and is lack of shortages, neglect, weakness, and foolishness. An affectionate behavior is a kind of behavior along with forgiveness, sacrificing desires and interests, the tolerance of difficulties, shutting lips, burning and making everything luminous, being thirsty and burning in the thought of making others full.
An affectionate behavior is a kind of behavior along with showing the most beautiful exhibits of moral courage without any humiliation and sneering, abusing, insulting, lying, hypocrisy, backbiting and slyness. Therefore, one of the firm pillars of the foundation of the affection of human against our God is moral courage and having clip tongue, peace be upon Hazrat Muhammad and his descendants, comfort and honesty.
The feeling of appreciation and gratitude and thanking the favors and desirable behaviors of others, especially having grateful language against our spouse, are the representatives of affectionate behaviors.
Fairness in individual and social behaviors, fairness in looking, fairness in expressing remarks and fairness in gratitude are considered as the main norms of affection.
One of other conceptions of affection is patience. The prophet (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) states
'' Patience is one of the treasures of the heaven''.
Other affectionate behaviors of superior spouses are sympathy and accompanying our spouses. Another meaning of the word '' affection '' is to pass over the boundary of selfishness and deviations and sympathy and accompanying spouse and fellow traveler and finally, affection means goodness.
Affectionate behavior is a kind of behavior along with goodness and kindness. Kind and superior spouse are persons that have more kindness with their wives.
The messenger of God (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) states
انکم لن تسعوا الناس باموالکم فسعوهم باخلاقکم
'' If you cannot attract the interest of people through your own properties, do it so with your good behavior''.
God states in Rome Surah in verse 21 after the phrase
أَزْوَاجاً لِتَسْکُنُوا إِلَيْهَا''
'' This affection is the precious trust of God''. In fact, God is an absolute lover. He is the creator of affection and exalted God is the creator of affection and the factor and presenter of it.
Deceased Allame Tabatabaei in the book '' Tafsir Al-Mizan'' in relation to Rome Suarh narrates from the prophet (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants)
قول الرجل للمراه اني احبک لا يذهب من قلبها ابدا
'' If you tell your wife to love him or her, he or she will never forget''.
Unfortunately, when this narration is read in classes, some persons say '' when we say our wives that we love them, they misuse it and become spoilt'' and some persons say '' I feel shy that I tell my wife to love her ''. In some Television programs '' thousands unpassed paths'' broadcasted sciences that women complained from their husbands '' our husbands have not told us that they love us even once''.
Affection is the most basic need of human.
The result of the affection of spouses toward each other:

a. Motivation and hope to life increases in them.
b. They are preserved from moral deviations.
c. They have inner satisfaction.
d. They become interested in affection.
e. Persons that are kind with others are benevolent, good-natured and kind.
f. The self-confidence of a woman and a man that have kindness toward each other will increase.

Hence, it is said '' when a car is full of oil, a driver drives carefully''.
When women are full of affection, they continue their life confidently. Woman that are deprived of the affection of men, they feel anxious and depressed. In some cases, it is seen that women have committed sins in order to find this affection through telephone numbers. Persons are thirsty of affection. Some psychologist say '' it is appropriate that sexual satisfaction and the survival of generation in marital life is effective, but we should neglect that sometimes, a person gets married so that he or she can replace affection and kindness with the affection and kindness of another person. Such persons believe that lack of affection and kindness make human get married. If it is clear that if kindness and affection are more sincere, the signs of unity will be more luminous and holy. The analyses of statistics reveal this reality that some persons that are corrupted with actions that are in contrast with chastity are persons that have not seen any signs of affection and chastity in family. Such persons try to find another person out of home so that he or has affection toward them.
In some villages, statistics shows that the rate of divorce in villages is less than the rate of divorce in cities because there is affection between a woman and a man in rural areas and they live together in a friendly way. What makes family life lively is the signs of kindness and affection; otherwise, the furniture of house such as curtain, furniture and …cannot create happiness and enjoyment at home, but these persons can create activity and movement in others with the expression of affection and kindness toward them.
Imam Ali (peace be upon him) states
التودّدُ نصف العقل
'' Affection is the half of wisdom''.
We should know that nothing can change human as much as affection. Hence, if there are disagreements between a woman and a man, they should try to have affectionate behavior instead of not being on talking terms and not paying attention to each other because of God and humanity. The life started with love and affection and the different signs of beauty and perfection were created in whole world.
The ways of emotional trade
We can present affection to our spouse through four ways:
1. Visual affection; 2. Inner affection; 3. Expressive affection; 4. Rhetoric affection

1. Visual affection

One of ways of affection toward spouse is affection from the area of affection.
Some psychologists believe that eye has positive and negative waves.
When you look at the eyes of your spouse, you can read love, interest, affection, hate, objection and criticism from his or her eyes. It has been narrated from the prophet (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants)
'' When a woman and a man have affectionate look toward each other, this look bring to home the mercy of God''.
Sometimes, the kind of look of spouses toward each other becomes in an unfriendly way. Hence, men and women do not only enjoy looking at each other, but they also hate each other because they have stupid, illogical and unwise behaviors.
Couples hate each other because they have harsh behaviors toward each other and make each other sad and this can be considered as the start of a great danger in relationships among couples.
The attractive points of looking
Superior and successful couples look at each other with kind eyes and warm and attractive looks. Looks are the most powerful attractions. A person can express his or her needs and affections with a meaningful look. The attractions of look are the precious properties of human. Couples that have warm and affectionate look toward each other that represent love, affection, love and faithfulness the same early days of the start of their marital life still are really lucky in spite of fact that they have got married for many years.
Superior couples have do not avoid using this source of affection even for a moment and their looks are always attractive and full of the meaning of affection. Superior couples know well that all of persons can accept affection and hate hostile; therefore, they never look at each other with harsh and hostile looks. The attractions of look are in a way that we can sometimes imagine the junction of two pictorial looks from thought, the representation of movements and new behaviors. However, fortunately, we see that the deviation of desirable path of the life starts from the early meaningful looks of strangers. Hence, the creator of the beauties and attractions of the life states in Quran
قُلْ لِلْمُؤْمِنِينَ يَغُضُّوا مِنْ أَبْصَارِهِمْ . . .
'' Tell strangers to keep their eyes from strangers''.

2. Affection from the bottom of heart

The most elementary stage of emotional trade is affection from the bottom of heart. Heart is the center of all human communications and occasions. Whatever is expressed from our mouth and is issued from the organs of human come from heart. Heart is foundation of feelings and desires. Hence, we should not let our negative emotions and feelings on the parts of our hearts and influence them. In such a situation, undesirable emotions toward a person grow little by little and they change to hate and hostile against him or her. We should prepare heart for fostering positive feelings and effective emotions toward our spouse. In other words, we should train our heart and foster feelings and emotions in our hearts that we would like others (especially our spouse and children) to express toward us. The consistency of this affair creates the springs of benevolence in the nature of human and it will exhibit magnificent effects on his or her relationship with others.

3. Instrumental affection

Using an instrument is a way for the expression of instrumental affection. Giving a branch of flower, kissing, shaking hands, buying gifts, and fondling are the ways of transferring instrumental affection. Imam Ali (peace be upon him) states
تهادوا تحابوا
'' If you give gift to each other, affection will increase''.
The prophet (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) states
'' If men give a lot of gifts to their wives, their chastity will increase''.
It has been narrated in a narration that when the prophet (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) shook hands with someone, he never left their hands.
The prophet (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) stated
'' If man kisses his devout wife, two angels will support him and he is like a person that has held a sword in his hand for Jihad''.
Shaking hand is a kind of instrumental affection. Sometimes, shaking hand causes that animosity and hate that have been for years are removed. If a woman uses perfume and has an attractive appearance for her husband, in fact, she has had a kind of instrumental affection. I recommend that men express their affection to their wives with buying jewelry for their wives and giving gifts to them. One of dignitaries states '' Some women are really interested in gold ''. Women are ready to live in a prison that is made of Gold. Buying gold has several advantages. 1. It is a precious gift. 2. It is permanent. 3. It can be used in necessary cases. 4. Women become really happy with it.
Cooking food according to the appetite of a man, setting a food table with a specific form and shape, change the decoration of home and order in the affairs of home are all considered as the expression of instrumental affection.
Women are more interested in love, interest, affection and romantic remarks than sexual intercourse because meeting sexual needs are a kind of instrumental affection and this an important point that young men should know. Women do not like sexual intercourse that has no introduction and ending and it is a physical and mechanic action that they would not like to like persons that satisfy the sexual needs of their wives. The heart of women is open to an affectionate relationship rather than a sexual relationship. Woman are hopeful to real kindness, love and affection rather than sexual desires. In spite of the fact that sexual relationship is a kind of instrumental affection, women would like to be understood by their husbands when they have sexual intercourse with them.

4. The expression of affection through remarks

One of spiritual abilities and the personal attractions of persons is the expression of his or her affection toward his or her spouse. Although some persons have the expression of a lot of affection toward their spouses, they cannot express them. As a consequence, they create lack of assurance in themselves and their spouse and the black clouds of doubt and insecurity surround them and they attribute their failure in the life toward having bad luck and destiny.
Factors that are barriers in the path of the expression of affection include:

a. Lack of understanding;
b. Unnecessary arrogance;
c. excessive demure and chastity;
d. The opposite side may misuse him her.

a. Lack of understanding:

Training the matters of the life to girls and boys that want to get married can be working and desirable and it can get them to be familiar with their duties and responsibilities such as the ways of the expression of affection and removes some dangers that threaten new and young life.

b. Unnecessary arrogance

Arrogance is a plight that prevents from emotional relationship. Some young spouses, especially men, they do not express enough affection toward their spouses and consider such avoidance of affections and attentions as manly behavior whereas great and noble men have no doubt in the expression of sincere and friendly emotions. The prominent examples of such affections can be observed in the life of the prophet (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants).

c. Excessive chastity and demure

Excessive chastity and demure come from the strict behavior of parents, lack of appropriate pattern in this area, and some prejudices that have been created into the mind of young couples and are influenced by the negative trains of some persons that do not have enough awareness.

d. The opposite side may misuse.

This is the way of thinking of persons that have deprived themselves of affection. Hence, when they want to have affection toward their spouse, they say that their spouse may misuse them and he or she becomes spoilt and misuses our affection. The feelings of human his or her thinking and his or her thinking forms arranges his or her behavior. Hence, a man that has bad feeling toward his spouse has behavior change.
The messenger of God (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) states
قول الرجل للمراه اني احبک لا يذهب من قلبها ابدا
'' If a man tells his wife that he loves her, it will remain in her heart forever''.
Most of couples do not express their affection toward each other. Unfortunately, there is this false culture in our country that if we admire our spouse and express our love toward him or her, he or she will become spoilt and he or she ill misuse it. I have hardly ever seen in my consultations that a man has expressed his love and affection toward his wide freely and without conditions. All of them say '' my wife knows that I love her. She sees that I work day and night because of her and our life. She is not a child that I tell her that I love ''.
I answer men that have such a belief '' When you come back and are tired along with daily problems, won't you be happy if your wife tells you '' power to your elbow?'' Therefore, if you tell her that you love, she will become happy as well''.
The messenger of God (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) states
'' If you want that God bring bliss and goodness to your house, greet with your husbnad when he enters house''.
Narrations about affection toward spouse
'' Exalted God is kinder with women rather than men''.
'' A woman is created from a man and her attention is on men. Hence, your wives''.
''من اخلاق الانبياء حب النساء''
'' Affection toward women is the moral of prophets''.
The messenger of God (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) states
کان رسول الله صلي الله عليه و آله ارحم الناس بالنساء و الصبيان
'' He was one of the kindest persons toward women and children''.
The messenger of God (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) states
'' I like only woman and perfume in your world''.
The features of superior spouses in affection
Superior spouses are persons that agree with the role of hearing and verbal attractions in collaboration among persons and they never avoid thanking, pursuing and encouraging their spouses during their marital life and in all situations and conditions. They know well that all of persons need hearing relaxing, comfortable, attractive and affectionate voices. Hence, God annunciates the hearing of the most beautiful voices and words to persons that avoid hearing useless words, untrue remarks, lie, backbiting, insulting, sinful and tempting remarks and songs.
The attractive role of voice and remarks is stronger and more extended from visual incentives. Verbal relationship in a family has the highest effect in the activity and health of family members. If families have less verbal relationships among their children and spouses, children and teenagers will have more emotional and behavioral hurting.
Hence, Superior spouses express this reality that they should make the inner of their spouses satisfied with verbal attractions.
One of the worst undesirable habits and unpleasant relationships of some spouses in daily life are complaint, criticism, pessimism, abusing, domination and high expectations. But superior spouses prevent their valuable inner from unpleasant remarks, glib tongue, the beauty of remarks, the attractiveness of message, the language of encouragement and persuasion and the respect of good remarks and good behaviors are the valuable properties of their life.
The ways of the affection of men toward women

1. When a man comes back home, before he does anything, he should shake hand with his wife and kiss her.
2. He should thank his wife for changes in the atmosphere of house, the change of decoration and her clothes and make up.
3. He should devote his time about thirty minutes for his wife so that she can speak and you can be a good hearer.
4. You should buy flowers for her in some occasions or even without any specific occasions.
5. If she is sad, you should respect her feelings.
6. If you want to come back home late, you should inform him of it through telephone.
7. If there is a problem for her or the family of your wife, you should sympathize with her.
8. When your wife speaks with you, you should avoid reading newspaper or watching TV.
9. You should not talk and behave in a bad way at home because you have troubles and bad events. In fact, she has done a lot of activities since the morning and she wants you only smile.
10. You should express your sadness and happiness without angry and harshness and with complete relaxation because there is no one more sympathetic and kinder than her.
11. When you come back home from hardworking activity, you should forger work and problems out of home and should not think about your work. You should talk about the future and the good aspects of the life more.
12. Giving gift increases affection and kindness. The prophet (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) states

تحادوا و تحابوا
'' Giving gifts increases affection''.

13. If you buy a gift for your spouse, you will consolidate your marital life. You can express your affection to your spouse with buying a branch of flower.
14. When your spouse is angry and sad due to some reasons, you should try not to interfere into her affairs, but you should try to approach her kindly.
15. You should complement another woman in the presence of your wife if she is not one of your relatives.
16. You should talk to another women in a murmuring way even though they are your mother and sister because it is impolite behavior and causes that your wife becomes sad and suspicious.
17. If your wife suggests that you and she visit relatives and go to mall, you should not reject her suggestion, but you accept it with open arms.
18. You should avoid interrupting your wife when you discuss and talk with your wife and should listen to her remarks.
19. You should respect your spouse and forestall in greeting with her.
20. You should avoid humiliating, insulting and convicting your spouse seriously.
21. You should not prevent your spouse from visiting her relatives and you should forestall in visiting her relatives.
22. You should admire your wife for her accomplishments. Admiring and commenting wife is the key of the success of marital life.
22. You should not say attempts and costs that you devote to dine the relatives of your wife.
23. You should not imprison your spouse at home.
24. You should admire the way of cooking of your wife in the presence of relatives.

Bernad Shaw says '' if men admire the way of cooking of their wives, they will kill themselves to cook''.

25. Try to eat food beside your wife.
26. Women are always at home. They would like to have the experience of out of home. Therefore, you eat out in a restaurant once a week.
27. Women would like to talk a lot and they have good ability in talking. Hence, let them talk a lot and express all of their remarks to you.
28. Try to know the size of her clothes, Sometimes, you can buy clothes that you think that she likes.
29. When you talk to your wife, you should touch and fondle her.
30. If your wife is sick, you should take her to visit doctor and ask about the process of her improvement regularly.
31. You should try to make the atmosphere of house happy because you can understand each other in such atmosphere.

The ways of the affection of women toward men

1. Do not appear in the presence of your husband in a depressed and unclean way, but you should be clean, perfumed and happy and should always have smiling face.
2. You should not devote cooking clothes for wearing in the presence of your husband and clean and precious clothes for party. But you should wear the best and the most clean clothes in the presence of your husband. Of course, it is not necessary that you wear precious clothes. You can wear chic, fashionable and even cheap clothes.
3. Do not admire another man in the presence of your husband and do not prefer another man to your husband, but you should prefer him to other men and express his positive points; otherwise, you make husband more jealous.
4. Welcome the relatives of your husband, especially your sister-in-law and mother-in-law, warmly.
5. When you go to the house of your husband's family, you should not consider yourself as a guest, but you should help your mother-in-law in doing the chores of house. This is considered as the best of way of friendship and affection toward mother-in-law and husband.
6. You should never want your husband to cut his relationship with his relatives, but you should forestall in socializing with the relatives of your husband.
7. You should not talk with the friends of your husband in parties and it is in contrast with the religion of the Islam.
8. You should avoid disagreeing and arguing with your husband in all of the affairs of the life and if he expresses something that is in contrast with your desire, you should behave him mildly.
9. You should never insult and censure your husband, but you should highly respect her and emphasize and encourage his good actions.
10. Do not break the authority of your husband. Men would like to be considered as strong men. You should ignore any factors that lead to the deduction of the authority of men in the life.
11. You should never compare your husband with your brother, your brother-in-law and other men. Men become strongly sad if they are compared to other men.
12. Men need enough space for independence. You should let them be alone some time during day. You should not convict him because he was not with you with sentences such as '' where were you? With whom were you? Why didn't you take me?'' These limit the freedom of men.
13. Men hate the advice of women because they feel that their authority has weakened.
14. Men can achieve solutions in silence and women achieve it when they talk a lot. Therefore, when a man goes to a corner and thinks, this is the reason of lack of attention toward his wife, but he is looking for solutions for his problems.
15. You should not try to change the behavior of men because they think that they do not trust them and you want to dominate on them.
16. When men make mistakes, they become defensive, sad and nervous. You should not censure your husband for his mistake, but you should tolerate it.
17. If your husband is introvert and taciturn and does not talk, make him talk with presenting questions whose answers are desirable for him.
18. Women should own the properties of their husbands without permission.
19. You should not be stubborn against the remarks of your husband even though you are right.
20. If there are some favors from your father and mother and relatives toward your husband, you should not boast him for them.
21. If you income and spend it for the life, you should not retell it.
22. You should consider the facilities of your husband and do not put him under pressure for meeting material and immaterial needs. You have logical expectations.
23. You should make up yourself for your husband and should wear the appropriate and favorite of your husband two times in a day.
24. After your husband comes back home, you should avoid his affairs as much as possible, sit beside him and welcome him with pleasant remarks warmly.
25. After the first child is born, you should not decrease your affection for your husband.
26. After he leaves home, you should accompany him and say goodbye him warmly.
27. If you meet the sexual need of your husband, you should visit a doctor so that you can be cured or should get help from a psychologist.
28. You should not exhibit your husband attempts that you undergo for dining the relatives of your husband.
29. Do not behave your husband harshly and imperatively for your requests from your husband.