Compromise and tolerance in marital life

One of features that has an effective role in adaptability is compromise and tolerance and it can be said that no factor does not have an effective role on the establishment of adaptability as much as tolerance does.

The definition of compromise and tolerance

Compromise means behaving others mildly, giving chance to them and not behaving them grimly. It has high effect on three good features, behaving mildly, sympathizing with others and getting along with others in a way that they do not escape from us. The two words '' compromise'' and '' tolerance '' are too close to each other from the aspect of meaning and it is not possible to separate them from each other from behavioral aspect. These two features have special importance in social life and in family.

The importance of tolerance

Tolerance has a high position in social socializing from material and spiritual aspects. The prophet (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) states
مداراة الناس نصف الايمان و الرفق بهم نصف العيش
'' Tolerance with people is the half of faith and behaving them mildly is the half of the life''.
Basically, it is not possible to use the life without compromise and tolerance and the life without using them has only shape and is lack of soul and meaning. The perfection of marital life is a combination of the shape and meaning of the life. The prophet (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) states in a Hadith
اَمَرَني ربّي بمداراة الناس کما اَمرني باداء الفرائض
''O' God! Order me to be tolerant with people as you order me to fulfill obligations''.
This message was as important as Gabriel, the reliable angel of the service of the prophet (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) arrived and said
يا محمّد ربّک يُقرئک السلام و يقول لک دارِ خَلقي
'' O' Muhammad! Your God says hello to you and his message is that you get along with people''.
Such an order was not only sent to the prophet, but it was also sent to Hazrat Musa. As a matter of fact, all of prophets had to be tolerant toward people in fulfilling their mission. Imam Baqer (peace be upon him) states '' it has been expressed in devotion between God and Hazrat Musa (peace be upon him) in Turat
يا موسي، اُکتُم مکتومَ سِرّي في سريرتک و اَظهِر في علانيتک المداراة عنّي لعدوّي و عدوّک من خلقي
'' O' Musa! Preserve secret matters in your inner and be tolerant with my enemies and your enemies among people''.
This principle is the most important political principles in management, leadership and training people. In family foundation, implementing this principle is one of general rules. As a general, we should get along with the inner moods of our spouse and the external situations of the life. One of the companions of Amir Al-Momenin (peace be upon him) complained about his wife in the presence of Imam Ali (peace be upon him). After Imam Ali (peace be upon him) accepted weak points among them, he recommended to him
فداروهنّ علي کلّ حال
'' Be tolerant with your wives in all moods''.
Tolerance has the highest effect in modification or the decrease of in adaptability among couples. Since tolerance has high importance, its results and effects will be mentioned.

The results of tolerance

The following effects can be mentioned for tolerance:

a. Favors and blessings

The effect of tolerance on the blessings of the life is as much as the prophet (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) introduces tolerance as the statue of blessings and grimness as the statue of ominousness and states
الرّفق يُمنٌ و الخُرق شؤم
'' Tolerance is blessings and grimness is ominousness''.
We should search the norm of goodness and deprivation from it in tolerance.
Increase in quantity aspect and bliss in quality aspect depend on tolerance.
The prophet (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) states
انّ في الرّفق الزّيادة و البرکة و مَن يُحرَمِ الرّفق يُحرم الخير
'' In fact, tolerance is increase and bliss and a person that is deprived of tolerance is deprived of goodness''.
Tolerance is not only a norm for the recognition of goodness from evil, but also whatever is covered by the umbrella of tolerance is decorated and if the crown of tolerance is picked up from its head, it becomes ugly. The prophet (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) states
انّ الرّفق لم يوضَع علي شيءٍ الّا زانه و لا نُزِعَ من شيء الّا شانه
'' Tolerance is not founded on any jobs unless it is decorated and it is not removed from anything provided that we make it ugly''.
We should produce beauty with tolerance for ugly actions. Hence, tolerance is one of the best ways for receiving goodness, separating evil, gaining decoration and avoiding ugly actions in the life because adaptability is not gained in the life of people according to the common features of couples, but we should gain it. It rarely happens that the features of a wife and a husband should be as they would like from personality and appearance features and naturally, there is adaptability among them. In fact, they move toward adaptability. In other words, they moved toward adaptability through tolerance and its examples and gain it.

b. Benefit and happiness

One of the results of tolerance is that we can use the positive aspects of the life through it. A person that does not get along with others is deprived of whatever he or she likes and there is not in his or her life and he or she cannot use whatever there is. But a person that gets along with others uses at least whatever there is. Imam Kazem (peace be upon him) states
الرفق نصف العيش
'' Tolerance is the half of the life''.
A person that gets along with others can use at least the half of the life even though he or she does not have a complete life. Hence, we use the half of the life with tolerance. Amir Al-Momenin (peace be upon him) states
الرفق مفتاح النجاح
'' Tolerance is the key of happiness''. Amir Al-Momenin (peace be upon him) also states
من استعمل الرفق غنم
'' A person that gets along with others benefits''. Hence, a person that gets along with others in the life is happiness and will be satisfied of his or her life''.
Some persons think that if they get along with others, they lose the half of their life and it is not wise that a person gets along with such a defect, but he or she finds a way so that he or she can use all of the capacity of the life. The reality is that no one among common persons can make sure that a new situation that he or she selects is better than the current situation. It is impossible to make decisions with false imaginations. All perfections and progresses cannot be understood within the mind of human. Maybe, your perfection depends that you deal with your needs not achieve them. Is it possible to say whoever has more property will be luckier? If you want God more property, first you should ask God the capacity of having it. If we do not have its capacity and God has not granted it to us, we should know that our property is the same as poverty and it is like a mirage. On one hand, we should fulfill our obligations and on the other hand, we should resort to innocent Imams (peace be upon them) so that I can get informed of whatever we do not know about their consequences through them. Hence, we should rely on the remarks of innocent Imams (peace be upon them) so that I can become lucky.

c. Security

Social life is in a way that no one can think about the reflection of the behaviors of others and he or she thinks about his or her own needs. In this world, all persons use from benefits that others provide. Whoever is in such atmosphere uses such benefits. Moreover, if others commit ugly actions, the consequence of their behavior will not hurt only themselves. On the other hand, we cannot benefit or harm others specifically not generally. In such cases, the necessity of tolerance is remarkable for benefits and security from harm. Amir Al-Momenin (peace be upon him) states
من دَاريَ الناس اَمن مکرَهم
'' Whoever gets along with others will be safe from their conspiracy'.
All of the enjoyment of the life can mean in the shadow of security and whoever wants to be safe should get along with others; otherwise, the life will be bitter for him or her. Imam Javad (peace be upon him) states
من هجر المداراة قاربه المکروه
'' Whoever avoids getting along with others will be at misery''.
Hence, we should get along with others so that we can escape from miseries and can have security that is very important factor in adaptability.

d. Affection, peace and friendship

The best pattern of friendship is God and the example of friendship of God is to remove animosity. Imam Sadeq (peace be upon him) states
انّ الله تبارک و تعالي رفيق يحبّ الرّفق فِمن رفقه بعباده تسليله اضغانهم
'' In fact, exalted God is a friend and loves friendship. One of the examples of his friendship with human is to remove animosity among them''.
There is no question that if persons have friendship, God that is the pattern of friendship will keep his or her friendship with persons. Amir Al-Momenin (peace be upon him) states
الرّفق يؤدّي الي السّلم
'' Friendship and tolerance leads to amicable life''.
No one is interested in stressful and anxious life. Everyone looks for comfort in different ways in the life and this need is gained with tolerance. Imam Ali (peace be upon him) states
ما استجلب المحبّة بمثل السخاء و الرفق و حسن الخلق
'' Nothing can provide tolerance, good behavior and affection as much as generosity''.
Therefore, tolerance has an important role in the attraction of affection.
Most of affairs are done in a difficult way in the life. What is important is our feeling toward the quality of doing an affair. Sometimes, an affair is done for a person with a lot of difficulty, but such an affair is not done with a lot of difficulty. Tolerance is a factor that facilitates mam affairs. Imam Ali (peace be upon him) states الرفق يسيّر الصّعاب و يسهّل شديد الاسباب
'' Friendship makes difficulties easy and facilitates means and factors''.
He also states
کم من صعبٍ تُسهل بالرفق
'' A lot of difficulties can become easy with friendship and tolerance''.
Problem that are created in the life for human depend on our point of view and the system of our thinking toward problems rather than the external reality of a variable. Two persons can be in a specific situation and one of them is very satisfied of the situation whereas the other one hates it. Therefore, our feeling has a basic role in the difficulty and easiness of an affair. We can feel relaxed and separate from difficulties with tolerance.

e. Success and permanence

Everyone follows a purpose in the life and if they achieve it, it can represent achievement and with this success, he or she sees himself or herself in comfort and perfection. Such a result is gained through tolerance. Imam Ali (peace be upon him) states
الرفق توفق
'' If you get along with others, you can succeed''. He also states in other words
بالرفق تدرک المقاصد
''Results are gained with friendship and tolerance''.
There is no question that one of the needs of a wife and a husband in common life is the permanence of the life. They are looking for a guarantee for the permanence of their life and they do not worry about the negative change of the life. We can achieve this purpose with friendship and tolerance. Imam Ali (peace be upon him) states
بالرفق تداوم الصحبة
'' Sympathy and accompany will be permanent with friendship and tolerance''.
Friendship and tolerance are necessary in order to achieve a permanent life.

f. Bliss and daily bread

Blessings that families want strongly are the increase of daily bread. Imam Ali (peace be upon him) states
من استعمل الرفق استدر الرزق
'' A person that applies friendship and permanence will gain a lot of bliss''.
A salesperson that gets along with his customers will have more customers and this is effective in the increase of daily bread. Moreover, a spouse that is tolerant will make his or her couple less opponent and will establish the ground of friendship in him or her. When friendship is established, agreement and comfort will be created.
In this part, several questions are presented and they should be answered briefly:
The first question: where is the position of friendship and tolerance? ;
The second question: what is its boundary? ;
The third question: sometimes, tolerance can be accompanied with a lot of harms such as disobedience, boldness, courage and …What is the way of dealing with them?
The position of friendship and tolerance
A person has duties and obligations in social and individual life and he or she should fulfill them and if he or she neglects in doing the, he or she will be responsible. Hence, there is nothing as tolerance in the principle of fulfilling obligations. However, tolerance is an undeniable principle in solutions and the quality of fulfilling obligations and to achieve our purpose, we should take care of it. In other words, when tolerance is appropriate, we fulfill our first duty and then we can invite others to goodness, advice, admonishing others to good and preventing them from bad actions. If the desirable level of a good action is not implemented, we tend tolerance in order to gain the lower levels of a good action. The meaning of tolerance is not that when we see that a person has committed crimes, we do not invite him or her to good, do not advise him or her and do not admonish him or her to good and prevent him or her from bad actions and then we name it '' tolerance''. This is not the meaning of tolerance, but it is a kind of indifference toward religious affairs. We cannot consider the escaping of responsibility as tolerance. We should consider laxity, lack of volition and weakness of persons as a collection of tolerance. For example, exalted God states about disobedient persons in verse 34 Nisaa Surah
''Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband´s) absence what Allah would have them guard. As to those women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (Next), refuse to share their beds, (And last) beat them (lightly); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them Means (of annoyance): For Allah is Most High, great (above you all)''.
This is the order of exalted God to men that face to such women. It is not possible to avoid fulfilling obligations for the excuse of tolerance. Of course, if we fulfill obligations and they do not change her behavior, now it is asked whether we should behave her more strongly or not, should imprison her at home, should divorce her or should avoid all of them and refer to tolerance so that her behaviors will be modified little by little. Which one is more desirable? In such a situation, tolerance is recommended.
In other words, committing a crime is not the example of tolerance. No women and men should commit crimes along with their spouse in order to show that they have tolerance toward their spouse. A man should not avoid his duty in order to preserve his life and a woman should not commit a crime in order to preserve her position in her husband and to have tolerance toward her. In fact, she has not recognized the place of tolerance properly. We can never disobey true path with making the excuse of tolerance. Following group, loyalty to some traditions, and the preservation of position by any means cannot be the example of tolerance. An action that a holy legislator has not issued any permission for doing it cannot be allowed for the excuse of tolerance.
What is the boundary of tolerance?
There is no question that the life should be accompanied with prudence. If the manager of a family does not have prudence, a lot of problems will be create in his life. A prudent person is a person that thinks about ways and he or she selects the most benefit and the least disadvantage.
We can conclude from thinking about religious texts that couples should have tolerance toward each other. Especially because men are different from women specifically, they should be tolerant with them and consider it as a general principle in the life. Of course, there are rare cases that the Islam does not consider tolerance decent due to some disadvantages. For example, when tolerance makes a man unbiased and indifferent toward the ugly action of his spouse. In such a situation, tolerance is not desirable. A solution should be applied in order to get rid of lack of bias. The messenger of God (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) states
انّ الجنّه ليوجد ريحها من مسيرة خمسمأة عام و لايجدها عاقٌ و لا ديوّثٌ. قيل: يا رسول الله و ما الديوث قال: الذي تزني امرأته و هو يعلم بها
'' The smell of the heaven is felt from the distance of five hundred years, but two persons do not smell it: 1. a person that is disobedient of the orders of parents; 2. Cuckold. It was asked '' O' the messenger of God! Who is a cuckold? '' The messenger of God (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) stated '' a man whose wife commits adultery and he is aware of it''.
In such a situation, tolerance is not appropriate and it is appropriate that if a woman does not give up her ugly action, her husband should separate her. Therefore, The messenger of God (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) states
أوصاني جبرئيل (عليه السّلام) بالمرأة حتي ظننت اَنّه لا ينبغي طلاقها الّا من فاحشة مبيّنه
'' Gabriel recommended about women as much as I felt that if a woman commits adultery, it is not decent to divorce her''.
Hence, if the tolerance of a man makes him unbiased, tolerance will not be recommended. Moreover, if tolerance toward spouse causes that her sin become more and even it includes a man that has been tolerant toward his wife, in such situation, since the man should be obliged to dealing with the sin, he cannot have toward his wife and he shares the sin of his wife. For example, home is the place of the life of wife and husband. If a man buys the means of sin because of laxity and he causes the party of sin at home, the man will be against sin finally and in such a situation, tolerance will not be appropriate. Hence, generally, if tolerance makes a person that has been tolerant commit crime, tolerance will not be desirable any more.

Dealing with harms

Naturally tolerance can provide the ground of the increase of the crime of transgressor and it makes crimes more. Prudence and familiarity with psychology is useful. Tolerance against inappropriate behavior is a solution that makes the life comfortable on one hand and on the other hand, it provides the ground of positive behavior over a long time. Hence, prudence is necessary in order to achieve such purposes. If we do not react against such a negative behavior, do not stand against it, do not try to provide grounds that positive behavior is implemented and a negative behavior is given up, others will consider us as private persons from their false interpretation and they will not only continue their crime, but they will also be last opponents and today persons that agree. Hence, when we get along with others, others should be worried about our behavior against their crime and will not feel secure and because our behavior may make him less patient and we do not feel comfortable, they may be worried. Hence, the pattern of implementing tolerance should be accompanied with prudence. Sometimes, our prudence against a person should be accompanied with meaningful silence and our opposite side cannot tolerate our silence; therefore, such a thing can be effective on his behavior change. Of course, it is not possible to present a general rule about the ground of behavior pattern, but everyone should select a pattern according to the kind of his or her personality and feelings dominated on his or her spouse.

Skills in order to achieve tolerance

Some skills that can be acquired for adaptability among couples through tolerance, remove some grounds of stress and decrease them as much as possible include:

a. Mystification

Mystification is an attempt to avoid struggle in order to preserve the current situation. Mystification provides a chance for a person to make the issue of struggle ambiguous or hide it in spite of the fact that he or she does not deny it in his or her inner, he or she makes it ambiguous. Mystification is a process that shows that something is denied or negative.
When a person is not satisfied of and does like your behavior among persons in the society, your remarks among relatives or the way that you behave when you teach, educate and buy the needs of your life, sometimes, he or she behaves you harshly and uses harsh and childish interpretations against you. In such a situation, you may accuse him or her of being an ungrateful, selfish and even crazy person. Such a behavior causes uncontrollable stress among you.
When a person expresses his or her feelings in the way that you cannot accept them and consider atmosphere in a way that an event may happen, you say to yourself in order to avoid stress '' he or she has expressed his or her feelings and whatever he or she has expressed is an imagination that he or she has from the mood, remarks and behavior of someone. You do not feel in the way that he or she feels and as a matter of fact, you deny his or her feelings. You pretend to be mysterious so that you can hide your point of view and look at the issue from his or her point of view. As a matter of fact, you do not consider any value for his or her job with such an action and make it ambiguous. When you pays attention to the imagination that he or she has from his or her position, you will understand the basic of the topic because in most of cases, real problems are not cases that are expressed, but the problem is a kind of point of view that has caused such a behavior and the he or she has hid it under the umbrella of his or her remarks. With such an approach, instead of wishing '' I wish he or she did not have such feelings so that we could not have such problems'', you can discuss about problems with each other and you can discover the language of his or her behavior and in order to achieve to the point of views of your spouse. Hence, you should try to avoid judging about his or her previous behavior, should put ambiguous finger and question mark on his or her behavior, should deny superficial signs in his or her behavior and think about another meaning that is hidden behind the curtain so that you can get along with his or her behavior. However, pretending to be mysterious is hiding struggle through a curtain that does not show struggle in spite of the fact that there is such a struggle. This process helps so that you can get along with your spouse.

b. Anchoring

The meaning of anchoring is to apply feelings and specific thoughts with vision, hearing and movement incentives. In other words, anchoring is the subdual of reflex reactions. If family members are aware of automatic reactions toward incentives, they can also have the creativity of action and they do not show inconsiderable reaction. Moreover, they can learn to use incentives in order to attract the desirable reactions of other family members.
Naturally, human shows automatic reaction against some moods or behaviors. When a person talks to you with a specific tone nervously, your harsh reaction is a common affair against this kind of rhetoric tone automatically and you show an answer in this way. But we should know that automatic reactions can make the change of the pattern of family cooperation. Because you can create desirable change, you should review such a meaning into your mind that his or her angry and harsh tone does not always mean that he or she discusses with you about something so that he or she can make you angry. If you can revitalize the possibility of such a meaning into your mind, you will avoid automatic reaction. If you can separate the content of his or her remarks from the way that he or she talks and separate the matters that he or she wants to present from the way that he or she talks and his or her harsh presentation, you will be able to understand his or her meaning from the way of his or her communication much better. Although the tone of his or her talking makes you angry, he or she may want to express new remarks. When your reaction is not automatic and it is under your control, then you can change the automatic reaction. Moreover, you learn that you keep your spirit high.

c. Exoneration

Exoneration is the repeated effect process on the deeds of each other. A person may have considered you to be deserved to be censured in the past, but now you can consider him or her to be deserved to be censured on the behalf of new thinking.
A person lives with his or her feelings and he or she can understand good and bad times according to his or her own feelings. Realities influence us as they happen not as they are. When your feeling changes for any reasons and you considered a person that was to be to deserved to be censured, but now you consider him or her not to be deserved to be censured, you can tolerate him or her now.
Consider a child that felt that his or her parents misused him or her emotionally and physically and he or she is sad and angry of them strongly. Now because of the change of his or her belief, he or she believes that attempts and limitations that parents apply about him or her are due to their sympathy and he or she is grateful of them deeply and he or she looks at them with new point of view. Such a change creates the feeling of pleasant mood.
Moreover, if your spouse behaves you in an undesirable way, you can exonerate him or her from behaviors that you though that they were completely undesirable after you try to find the hidden reasons of his or her behaviors and actions. You need to know his or her feelings, avoid negative feelings and ignore his or her fault by any means. Sometimes, this change of feeling is gained through finding the feelings of the opposite side, understanding hidden feelings and behaviors related to his or her sympathy feeling. Hence, we should look for a ground for his or her exoneration because we have a motivation for tolerance.

d. Forgiveness

Forgiveness includes logical confrontation with pain that result from spiritual hurt, the revitalization of feelings and personal beliefs. The process of forgiveness includes three stages: a. forget whatever has happened; b. recognize whatever is happening now and c. foresight.
Sometimes, others provoke your feelings strongly especially persons that you love and since you have good feelings from them in their inner, naturally, you have more expectations from them and cannot ignore whatever has happened. In such a solution, it is supposed that you have not been able to prepare yourself for tolerance with your spouse with the skills of mystification, anchoring, exoneration and …, you can see only a solution for keeping communication among yourself and you forgive your spouse. You may say '' such a thing is not real and how is it possible to forgive him or her without any motivations. If it is not possible for you to forgive your spouse, at least you should make a decision that you should not revenge him or her. Of course, such a decision is difficult at the beginning because it takes a lot of time so that the feeling of forgiveness can be formed. You make a decision so that you can pass the certain stages of forgiveness. These stages include: a. forget whatever has happened; b. recognize whatever is happening now and c. Predict what will happen in the future.
If you make a decision now that you forgive him or her, you can make yourself get rid of physical harm that he or she has imposed on you.

e. Humor

The definition of humor is difficult, but its recognition is easy. Humor is natural spring in families and most of time, it rarely happens. Humor can make intolerable situations tolerable and unpleasant situations pleasant.
The life has several dimensions. Sometimes, we suffer from a lot of troubles and forget the light path of the life and concentrate on the dark part of the life completely. The life should not be considered with logical point of view, but it should be filled with emotions. If there should be too seriousness in a family, it may have a lot of harms. A husband that works out may be led to become a serious person within the boundary of rules and regulations. But he should know that home is not workplace. Hence, if a husband is a military person and he sees himself and others within the framework of regulation or a wife is the manager of a company or a treatment center and communicates others within a specific framework and according to rules, he or she should separate the event of family and family relationships from the rules of out of house. Whoever he or she is out of house, he or she is kind and emotional spouse at home. Hence, he or she should use the skill of humor. Whether humor is spontaneous and based on stages creates good feeling and teaches us to look at matters and problems from very necessary point of view. According to this skill, we can be tolerant with others more easily. When one of couples is sense of humorous, the rate of contrast among them is 67 percent less.

f. Quid pro Quo

Quid pro quo in a dictionary means '' something in return something'' and it describes the process of mutual action that happens in relationships among persons. Quid pro quo in a family includes expectations that a person has from opposite side according to the rules of communication.
The life is a collaboration of at least two persons and each one has a role and an expectation. Roles are imagined according to rules that each one has and when expectations mean, each one shoulders obligations. Each couple has these two dimensions. This rule varies during time.
Each couple would like to enact some regulations. Hence, both of them have a common trade. Now they should talk about these trades. On the other hand, we cannot always be successful in taking care of rules that others have enacted. Hence, we should make our rights and rules simple for each other. I have had a right and she has not cared about it. In return, she has had a right and I have not cared about it. She has not fulfilled my obligation in an area and in return, I have not done an obligation too. Our limitations are not like each other, but they are similar to each other. What makes us comfortable is that we evaluate all over the world in a realistic way. We should not consider our right big and should not consider our duty small and consider the right of another person small and his or her obligation big. This is a way that makes us more ready to use tolerance from mental aspect.

g. Scapegoating

Parents that have struggle with each other may enter their child into the battle as the third member because if they deal with their child, it can deviate their attention from struggle among themselves. Scapegoating is one of shapes and ways that gets the attention of parents away from marital stress among themselves and it gets the attention of parents to the harsh behavior of their children rather than struggle among themselves because they try much so that they can pay attention to their difficult child.
The presence of a child in a family can be the ground of tolerance among couples because couples do not pay attention to each other and the third person (child) has got the attention of parents to himself or herself. This comfort does not have any harms, but it also leads to the improvement and permanence of family and prevents from the concentration of wife and husband on easy matters that have no worth struggling. But sometimes, parents in the experience of problems or unconscious struggle make their child intermediate in their situation. Therefore, their attention deviates from marital problems. In such a situation, parents join together and try to subdue their child. Moreover, a child takes care of his or her parents practically through his or her behavioral problems and getting his or her parents from struggle between them. In such a situation, the problem of a child that is related to struggle in relationship between parents is a factor for their closeness so that they can solve the problem of their child. In fact, is this appropriate for adaptability between couples? In such a situation, a wife and a husband pay attention to the problems of their child and they do not concentrate on stress among themselves. But unfortunately, this closeness is the cost of harm that influences on the personality of a child over a long time. He or she considers his or her behavior from the undesirable behavior of his or her parents. Now a child is at trouble into this puzzle that they have criticized her or him instead of modifying themselves and it seems that they have no problems. This scapegoating is a trouble that causes a trouble that is more dangerous if the presence of a child in a family is scapegoating that does not cause bigger trouble will be a good solution for tolerance between a wife and a husband.

h. Second-order change

A member of family cannot solve any problems with the consistent change of rules and regulations. Because a real change happen, the structure of a family should change. This change includes the way of looking at a situation. The member of a family should look at a problem from the point of view of another judge, thinks about and understands it. There is no need that new regulations and rules are created, but behaviors change due to the change of the point of view of the members of a family.
There is difference between the change of behaviors and the change of point of views. Change in behavior may be only superficial change without underlying change. Whatever is more important and more permanent is change in the point of view of a person. Sometimes, a woman is worried because her husband spends more time going out with friends and doing affairs out of home and he spend less time talking to his wife. Even if he stays at home, he does not do any jobs for his wife and if he stays at home for more time, his behavior changes and it is hard to tolerate him. In such a situation, if a woman struggles with his husband, it will not have any desirable effects because the point of view of a man is in line with such a behavior although a woman may think that such an action is undesirable. If a woman understands that because his husband thinks that he is alone, he spends his time and he would like to spend his time with friends in order to wander around out of home, she should behave in a way that she likes that her husband spends his time with her and she should not want her husband to stay at home imperatively. Therefore, his husband may change his point of view and she can accompany her husband in some time without complaining about his behaviors. Little by little, a woman can do actions that the point of view of her husband change about the case that he spend more time with his wife and this helps that they can get along with each other.

i. Conflict management

Persons that can communicate with each other in different roles can prevent from struggles and skirmish in a better way. Several skills help to remove struggle and one of those skills is to discuss in a certain time and place and not to revitalize and discuss about last topics.
Naturally, it is impossible to consider a life without struggle because the life is all about communication and the communication of thoughts, tastes and different behaviors can usually create struggles. Therefore, relationship among couples face to barrier due to some struggles. This is natural and because we can get along with each other, we should consider a general rule as the foundation of the life. When we want to talk about topics that have made us worried and we should talk about them, we should talk about something that is happening now. We should create a chain about what is happening now, and what may happen in the future and we should not talk about last matters and matters that may happen in the future. This skill (discussing about whatever is happening in current time and place) is called '' the removal of struggle''. You get along with your spouse better with this way because there are no barriers and struggles against you so that you get along with them in a difficult way. The existence of struggles makes the preparation of human for tolerance less.

j. Focus on strengths

A person that wants to subdue the undesirable effects of unpleasant behaviors should consider the good aspects of family action. A family that has a problem may not be able to see the positive aspects of his or her relationships. The members of such a family need treatment so that relationship and sympathy are created among family members and strong points are reminded.
We know and have relationship with families that they do not mostly have absolute mood. In other words, we do not see a family that is completely good and another family is completely bad. Some of them have good conditions and other families have bad condition. Of course, this continuum is variable. The different qualities of the life are seen, but absolute happiness and absolute unhappiness are not seen. Hence, one of ways in order to get along with bad conditions is to focus on strengths. Common points can be seen in most of stressful families. When all of family members get together and express their point of view, it can represent a positive affair because all of the have decided unanimously to try to progress their life in spite of the fact that their point of views are different from each other. This shows that such a family is not an indifferent family and they do have cold and pale reaction about matters that are happening to them. Considering such strong points increases the comfort of human.

k. Playing reverse role

At first, persons can see their own needs and according to their needs, they consider support duty for others. What they consider at the present time is limitations that they are facing to. It seems that there is only a problem and it is their problem and they never pay attention to the limitations of other persons.
Because a person becomes sensitive and he or she can understand the position of other persons in weak and strong points so that he or she can have better feeling from current situation, he or she should play the role of opposite side. He or she should pretend that he or she has sat in the place of the opposite side, should behave like him or her and finally, because he or she has the position of the opposite side, he or she would like to end discussion in his or her own favor. Playing reverse role gives a chance to family to understand the opinions of others from desirable point of view and it helps them to find a new point of view. Each couple is asked to play the role of his or her spouse. In such a play, he or she should be asked to discuss about a certain problem according to role that he or she has accepted. What is important in this skill is that mostly human suffers from the most dangerous factor for happiness that is the neglect of pain in spite of the fact that they are sometimes aware of it. Giving up neglect and paying attention to the limitations and conditions of the opposite side can make him or her have logical expectations can increase the ground of his or her satisfaction to the current situation. The increase of satisfaction can make it easy get along with limitations.

l. Self-relaxation

Before the history, persons faced to challenges and threats with using '' escaping'' and '' fighting''. The reaction of escaping and struggling is highly effective during the early history of human because they were the most corresponding answers to the kinds of dangers that persons faced to. Today, this answer has lost most of its effect because challenges and pressures that we face to are often psychological.
The reaction of escaping or struggling is appropriate for threats that we fight with through this way and we can come to effective results. When we look at animals, we see that they have to fight or escape in some situations and there is no way out for them. If they want not to be hunted, they have to use such a way. But today human cannot use this way in order to deal with air pollution, traffic jam or struggles that happen among persons and they cannot be eradicated. Naturally, we have been created as social persons and we should be loyal toward its means. The appropriate answer to such a situation is self-relaxation. Self-relaxation is an easy way for adaptability although it needs a lot of practice and patience. This answer includes three options: environment, body and mind.
The skill of self-relaxation is easier in a quiet place when there are no interfering factors. When our body is in a comfortable condition, our body can breathe slowly and easily and body organs should not be in contraction, we can make ourselves relaxed in an easier way. You can separate your mind from daily thoughts and at least delay any kinds of judgment about affairs in order to relax yourself.
The meaning of self-relaxation is not that you should not have any anger feeling, but in some situations, anger expression can provide more appropriate ground for self-relaxation. If you feel that if you shout or do an action angrily, it will be in your favor, you should do it because such feelings evacuation is optional. You have chosen such a behavior after you have though well. Harsh action will be convicted if anger is not subdued. Of course, as a general, self-relaxation is a duty and in some rare cases, chosen anger should be evacuated, but such a thing is rarely seen in marital life.