In the name of the most high

Considering the differences between man and woman

One of the influential agents for the couples' compatibility is considering the difference between man and woman, in various dimensions. Studding gender and gender differences have usually been considered and favored by researchers. Since the time of Plato, there have been discussions available, regarding character, male and female differences, maybe before that has been considering but, they have not orderly handed to us. Plato says males and females are qualitatively similar to each other but, quantitatively different. He adds that men and women are similar to each other in terms of talents and women can undergo those duties which men can do and evenly, can receive similar salaries, too so, if men receive war training either must do the women, and if men participate in sport competitions so must do the women. Of course, he regards women differently in terms of the quantitative dimension and says women are weaker than men in every field of sport while, Aristotle believes that men and woman's difference is not only dedicated to qualitative issues but also, are different qualitatively. He says they are even different from men in terms of moral accomplishment in many cases ,so far as, some of temperaments can be considered as munificent while ,not for women. After Aristotle, some scientists preferred his theory to the Plato's comment. The idea of Aristotle was prevailed up to 1970, among the scientists, such as , Bckon, Deckart,,Laack, Nicha,and Roso and, after that decade a group , as coherent feminine social movement planned to oppose the thoughts of Aristotle in so far as, resorted to the ideas of Plato In the obvious religion of Islam. There are differences between men and women in the index of the virtues, for instance , some characteristics among men, are the worst while among women are the best therefore, Hazrat Ali, the first infallible Imam, says in this regard : The best characteristics among women which is the worst of men are proudness, fear and jealousy somewhere else, Hazrat says: The duty assigned to the women, should not be outside the scope of her abilities because she is a smelling flower and ,as an operator of income and expenditure, she must not handle the harsh tasks . Men and women, in their human essence, have a common identity, but they have many differences in terms of mental, physical and sexual features. Alixiies Carrel, says Differences between men and women, are not only in the appearance but also the more profound difference is caused by the effect of spattering substances by the sexual glands in the blood So that, every cell in the body - especially cells of the nervous system of man and woman - have sexual signs on their own. Therefore, there is no doubt concerning the difference between men and women, now, by adopting the difference between male and female's aspects, the differences between them will be discussed.

Physical difference:

The men , in terms of strength and power, are stronger than women, Researchers say that a particular male hormone (testosterone), has frequent effect on protein synthesis in his body And stimulates the growth of muscle tissues as result, The men have more power to handle heavy jobs, despite this physical ability, they have also more emotional vulnerability. Also, the men's vocal cords are thick and they produce a rough voice, on the other word, men have three levels of pitch rate, while women have four pitches track so, to this reason, the women are thinner and more delicate than men and they speak with a certain attraction. Hazrat Adam, when heard the thin and delicate voice of the Eve he said what a fantastic creation? So expecting heavy jobs to the men and flirt and delicacy to women, are in accordance with their nature and abilities, and providing it is a prerequisite for compatibility. As expected, doing heavy work by women, violence and course in their voice bring about dispute and incompatibility among couples.

Sexual difference

Humans have 23 pairs of chromosomes on which is placed tiny particles called genes in fact, genes are the carrier of parental characteristics among these chromosomes, and one pairs of these chromosomes are sexual which are combined in XX form in females and XY form in males. If a combination of them is X chromosome by female and one Y chromosome from the male so, the child who is about to be born, will be son and if both are X chromosome, the child will be a girl so; the child's sex is determined by the composition of male chromosome. Now, less because of the child's born as female, men and women burst in to incompatibility while, in the past, the mothers, because of the girls they born, were neglected by the men. Knowledge concerning the mother's innocence in sex determination and involuntary of chromosomes 'composition on the part of the father, closes the path for couple's conflict in this regard. On the other hand, the sexual needs of men and women are different and both require bilateral insurance in their sexual relationships but, the needs of the men and women in sexual satisfaction are different. Men and women, in having sexual relationship are assured to have the necessary qualifications and could be able to effectively engage in marital relations but, women need love and affection as well as attention from her wives. Men must use words to express affection and love and they need to know that love is not enough but, they must directly offer it and this is psychic need of the women. The Holy Prophet says: The man who tells to his wife: "I love you" did not get out of her heart. John Gray says that most of men are reluctant to say "I love you" to their wives. They think they will bother their wives by repeating these words, but saying it never has adverse effects. When a man says this sentence to his wife as if allows her to feel the process of love. Considering the differences between men and women and their sexual needs have influential role in their marital satisfaction. Men are grounds for immediate satisfaction, while women need to be seduced more in the beginning. For this reason, in our traditions the sexual intercourse sooner than cuddling and love making is a kind of agony to the female partner. Some men, in sexual relationship, to achieve sexual satisfaction, stop their partner's nuzzling and keep on his sexual pleasure while, the women enjoy more and more cuddling. During the time dimension, men need two or three minutes to be put in the final border of sexual intercourse, while statistics show that the average length of fitness for women is eighteen minutes ,this means that women need six times more than men. Islam regarding women' difference and rejection of sexual violence, has ordered the men to supply the women's needs , vice versa, satisfying man's sexual needs at every opportunity which he wills , is considered as the duty of a women "she must response to the demands of men even if she is on the camel" . This is the urgent men's need that might someday being reversed in to women's urgent requirement. As some have said, in the first years of life, men are more interested in sexual relations while, in later years, may be women are more likely to have tendency to sexual intercourse However, in all phases , the sexual needs must be quickly and well responded to fit the context of compatibility for both sides

Emotional dissimilarity

Men and women, both have emotional needs; either they seek others' friendship or love others but, the affection between men and women is different, Even where women have little affection toward someone, shows as if she has a profound love to him while, if the men love someone, show little love to him or her thus, the way they show their affection is different. Jynalimbruzoo says: Women love others and if they imagine the effort which they make would satisfy others, under any pressure, try it. Since the women's emotional state is heavily focused on the emotional tools, they need to have more interaction, because language is one of the most important means of transferring emotions. This issue is so important that some have said, she just needs to interacts and focuses on results while, men expectation of the interaction is to solve the problem. The origin of female's behaviors is feeling and emotion so, bearing heavy and exhausting duties create adverse psychological influences on her. Women are capable to focus on several issues at a time therefore, they quickly lose their ability in prioritizing tasks because, and they don’t have concentration and easily getting anger. The women quickly depress and cry, but men rarely show their depression. For this reason, the quality of women's representation of depression is not very deep but, although men depress later, and if they depress they would continue up to the moments of committing suicide, emotion display is stronger in women. On the other hand, the focus is stronger in men. Understanding and acceptance of differences prevent likely troubles in the family. The women should know that men's focus is not a true measure for loving them; it is natural that when the man facing a problem in his life, he takes a focusing gesture. As if there is nothing else in the life, and he is not responsible against others. The woman should not be interpreted this issue carelessly and suppose that she do not pay attention to her husband intentionally. If she just thinks correctly, there will not be resentment for her, but she can try to help her husband to resolve the problem. Men should be aware that women, when facing the problems, need to express their feelings If avoid it, they will become depressed so, by paying attention and the respect, they feel of attachment to their husband. Their need, on this situation, is not only advice and order but also, they are hungry for love. Moving toward acceptance of differences, the couples will lead to perfection and development. Miss Susan Kovilian, says, about man and woman's differences: When couples are aware of each other's differences, rather than hatting each other, they will try to appreciate each other therefore, it is, these differences which cause compatibility among them. If men and women were both, in absolute terms, similar to each other, their vulnerability will be highly alike, So when they face difficulties, would sought a way to deal with it and fail to find a solution to the problem. Knowledge of the differences and attention to them makes couples, not only more successfully meet the other's demands, but also, provide their own need. When a woman knows the man's excitability in visual stimuli is much higher than the other ones and man knows that the woman is more sensitive in touching stimuli, it can better satisfy her needs. The nature of the man is ogling while the woman's nature is making up. Make up is considered as emotional characteristics of women and it is seldom happen for a man to expose his body like women. Innateness of each of these characteristics for men and women makes clear another's job so that what feedback can satisfy each of the men and women. Miss Limbrosso, a known psychologist, says: When the women found her husband loving her, no longer her purpose is showing off coquetry to others. As it can be seen, women who love their husbands and children are completely aside from the whole universe of excessive coquetry and grey beauty.
If a woman makes her job showing off in front of others, it is because she has not found her inner feeling satisfied by her husband therefore, adjusting women's self-exposure is possible by man's respect to her needs .

Difference in natural needs:

In the nature of the women , requirement to care, understanding and respect is seen while , in the nature of the men , requirement for trust, acceptance, and appreciation is observed so , the more men care about women the more they can have their fidelity in fact, satisfaction of women's natural need(care) is a cause for men's natural provision need (trust) on the other side, if the woman trust man and know her as manager of the marital life, then, man is energized and care more about her as his life partner so, the relation is mutual . If men have more understanding of the women's need and women feel they have been profoundly understood, they will be more open-armed to men. Undoubtedly, each of the couple's help to each other is accounted, in fact, as help to themselves and their positive feedback will reflected to themselves. Also, when the women improve the tendency of accepting the men and consider as a best emotional bed for them, men try to understand them more. The reflection of such treatment is evolution of their psychical compliment. When the man respects the woman's options, he faces her appreciation as well as her thanks. Because women need respect, when they appreciate their husbands, in fact, provide their own need.
John Grey says: if the woman is not respected, sexual relations will face problem, as result, start harming her husband, takes a ruling gesture and feel a sense of insecurity and in competency. Woman, even if being respected out at work or office, without the husband's care at home, she won't feel competency. The sense of being respected or popular is in the blood of the women and the emphasis of Islam's religion in satisfying their excessive need is also satisfies by affection , Hazrat Ali, recommends that " affection toward women is ,of Holy Prophet's habit " in the school of Hazrat Ali, also, understanding women's need is seen through sympathy . That Infallible Imam, suggests her wife to demand a servant {for helping her} from her great father, Holy Prophet (peace be upon), Then, Hazrat Zahra does it, and her Holy father teaches her some words as praising to his great and pure daughter, which is known as Hazrat Zahraz's praising words as result, sympathy of Hazrat Ali, made easy bearing all difficulties for his wife (Hazrat Zahra). Miss Pvrys Anko says , woman must reveal her needs and feelings to her spouse because man is unable to know her so, by Expressing feelings, the women become confident and set aside the fear of rejection Therefore, considering the differences in the women 's needs than men, and trying to satisfy it, can be an important factor for compatibility. Having detailed outlook is of the women's characteristics and holistic one is of the men's also, John Grey says: women have a open vision and sense while, men have a concentrated one. The man who notices his wife is normally stepping in open and wide path , numerous questions of her does not frustrate him vice versa, A woman who knows he is focused on the whole so, she is not forced to explain the different aspects of life and in many cases, the way for more compatibility is provided.

The difference in thinking:

Thinking is consisted of different kinds, such as primitive thinking, thinking for problem solving and etc. Typically, the initial thinking power among women are more than men, in so far as, the women, in many cases, have long dreams rather than men and it shows that they are talented with by initial thinking. Abstract thinking and reasoning which need acquiring sample concepts, is seen among men and women, but among women , the parts of this thinking is so minor and men in , abstract thinking are holistic –oriented so, it is because women require more focus in decision making and thinking . In thinking about solving the problem , the man, by a sets of known, goes after the unknowns therefore, men need less time to solve the problem ,due to their concentrate , as a result, the level of error and deviation of standard among women are more than men while, their thinking process in solution proceeds slowly . The thinking scopes of women are more than those of men but, we should not assign difficult and complicated tasks to them because, in sophisticated tasks, their comments are not trustable. Hazrat Ali, concerning this difference says: avoid consulting women because their comments are easily influenced and their decisions are by hesitation and the factor of this hesitation is overwhelming sensations and affection on them as well as their widespread and superficial view. To this reason, Holy Quran says ,in easy problems , women can comment ,and also has commanded men to consult them in this issues for example in one of its verse , Holy Quran says " when the couples are going to stop milking their child, it would be beneficial to do it upon mutual agreement . Also, in some issues that the women are experienced, we can consult them so, in important issues, we should not expect women trustable consultations.

The effects of accepting differences and their rule in the life:

Considering differences and adopting them, have an influential effect on tranquility of marital life which we will discuss them here,

Love and affection:

The differences, in making a lovely relationship between couples, are playing an important role. John Gary says: accepting this basic reality that man and women are different, is a necessity for having a lovely and positive relation among couples. Man and woman, must learn to respect their differences in order to get closer to each other. God says, in Holy Quran that, from divine signs is that God has created a wife from your own gender in order to give you feeling of calmness as well as sense of affection between you. Complimentary differences causes a specific attraction between couples and this attraction brings about love which changes family into sweetest essence. Victor Hogo says the most happiest is one who has endowed, by God, with a heart which deserve love. True love is easy under the shadow of accepting differences. Someone who is more aggressive, naturally, is fancied by one who is cold-blooded and flexible and because of this interaction the aggressive person becomes more flexible.

Fair judge:

One of the most important factors in finding and stability of relations between couples is fair judgment. In order, for a man and woman, to get high stages of evolution, they must, without any narrow-mindedness, selfishness and conflict have fair judgment and this achievement is easy in adopting the differences. The main reason for negative judgments is lack of acceptance and understanding so, recognition of these differences among couples, help them judge freely about each other. Some men are rationalist, some sense-oriented and some are activists. Each group, to have social interaction with other groups, must accept them and, in accordance with their tendencies, respect them and feel requirement of their essence otherwise, never will an analyst man can have close relation with a sensitive man because he has a negative judgment about such a man and can not accept him so, we can conclude that accepting differences can devoid of unfair judgments. Some times the reason of disorder in relations and appearing unfair judgments of women about men derive from imposing feministic belief. The slogan of feminisms and non-acceptance of differences can cause a negative judgment to occur. The expectations resulted from absences of disagreement between man and woman, can cause women to think about men like an enemy however, some women are mentioned as inept and laggard, too and both approach is the result of disrespect to differences. Wife and spouse, in their marital life, must eradicate negative judgments even if, in circumstances in which they defend the values, they should not provide the way for negative judgments. For example, masculinity among men is an accepted advantage which can be preceded with security for the life. This issue if not being well placed can cause negative judgment for the wife. Imam Ali, in a letter to his son, Mojtaba , writes : avoid of showing null masculinity , because it makes healthy man to feel seek and the pure one to feel suspension so, this behavior makes a deserved woman away from acceptability ,

Happiness and hilarity:

One of the outcomes of understanding these differences is mutual respect between couple and in marital life, so when men and women are resemble to each other, leave this mysterious relation which exists between them. Living with one who is similar to us, is very difficult. Hazrat Ali, expresses happiness and hilarity between himself and Hazrat Fateme , as follow:
"We were like two sparrows in the same nest that had happiness, health, and youth". The men, by accepting feminine features and respecting it becomes more friendly for the women and the woman feels her husband loves her for her own sake so, she has adopted her as spouse and her properties are favorable for her and he does not want her to take care of his children or doing his house works thus, this feeling cause happiness and fun for men. The women ,when adopt their spouses as those who have been concentrated on managing marital life and have omitted the prerequisite for most of failures in this case, men feel happiness and fun therefore, to this reason John Grey says if we had known the differences and had respected them ,most of our problems would have been solved. If the woman adopts, in respect to the differences between he and the husband, must demand her request from her spouse without any harm vice versa, man accepts that the woman do her best and , in respect to her capabilities as well as her temperament he can expect her so as, as result ,most of conflicts are solved. We, to solve our problems in the first class, should change our outlook. Most of inner family conflicts are due to unaccepted expectations and avoidance of differences. For example, when the man is careless about the differences between himself and her wife, in different situations must expect interactions like quietness, introversion and caring about benefits, of her wife and the women, whether in happiness or sadness never do need shyness, in other word, accepting differences exist between man and woman, keep them away from being put in unorganized situations.

Balance:

Balance, in its origin is considered as the main factors for life improvement in the marital life. Going away from balance means excessive and wastage, both of these deviations are true. Most of psychical disorders in human community are related to disobeying the balance in the life. The men for balance must be placed side by side and balance each other. Also, the women for making internal balance need men. The synthesis of male and female power can bring about development. The man in his masculinity can look self-oriented and selfish and not to care other's demands but, the woman in her feminine looks more caring about others while, forgets herself and thinks about others. Attracting psychic quality of men toward feminine qualities are a prerequisite for making balance. Men by their own inherent nature prohibit women's development and on the other side, women can stop men's development. The man's coolness suppresses with woman's warmness, his violence with compatibility, certainty with criticism and finally the power is balanced by loving toward her. For example, the men are introverted and have more tendencies to the quietness. The presence of a woman in the marital life who has more widespread outlook and tendency to talk, help the man give up quietness and balancing it. Also, the women, because of her widespread outlook, are superficially oriented and can not concentrate, so, by a man's presence in the marital life which found him focused, Hazrat Ali,( peace be upon) considers imbalance as a sign of ignorance and warns the Shias about excessive and wastage and says: in order to give up corruption and ignorance and resorting to compatibility ,we must deeply think about man and woman's differences and considering them