Avoid jealousy and emulation

Jealousy is on of attributes that is highly disapproved and it leads to the severe difficulty of a jealous person. A person with such an attribute always tries to spoil blessing that a person has received and he or she wants to harm him or her. From the point of view of morals scientists, when a person observes that a blessing is given to another person, there will be two states: he or she will be dissatisfied of such a blessing and he or she likes that it becomes spoilt; this is called '' jealousy''. Another state is that he or she is not sad of such a blessing and he or she does not want that it becomes spoilt, but he or she would like to have it; this is called '' envy''.
It may be imagined the third state between '' jealousy'' and '' envy'' that a person does not wish that a blessing that has been given to another person becomes spoilt, but he or she tries to grasp that blessing by any means in order to deal with a person that has gained blessing and he or she shows it off to others. The third states is called '' emulation''.
Since two attributes '' jealousy'' and '' emulation'' have wonderful effect on inadaptability among couples, in this part, its undesirable effects will be mentioned in marital life.

Jealousy

Jealousy is a kind of mental disease that leads to a lot of problems in individual and family aspects. In family life, jealousy is usually implemented in a way that one of couples or both of them pay attention to the life of relatives and friends. When a blessing is observed in a family, they wish that it was spoilt and they do even indecent actions in order to achieve their purposes. In some rare cases, it is observed that a wife or a husband is jealous of the perfections of his wife or her husband because they cannot achieve perfections by any means, become inadaptable and create barriers for the growth and promotion of their spouse.
Jealousy has a lot of negative consequences and we should find solutions for them.

The consequences of jealousy

The following cases will be mentioned as the consequences of jealousy:

a. Lack of comfort

Since a jealous person pays attention to the blessings of other persons, such thoughts make him or her sad. Imam Ali (peace be upon him) states about this
يکفيک من الحاسد انّه يغتمّ في وقت سرووک
'' A person that is jealous of you becomes sad when you are happy''.
Imam Ali (peace be upon him) states
لا راحة لحسود
'' A jealous person has no comfort''.
Such moods cause that a person does not enjoy his or her life because he or she does not pay attention to his or own belongings and he or she pays attention to the belongings of others regularly. Such a person compares himself or herself with another person that is higher than him or her and it never stops and finally, there will be a person that is higher than him or her in some aspects. Therefore, the least enjoyment of the life is imagined for a jealous person.
قال رسول الله (صلي الله عليه و آله و سلم): اقلّ الناس لذة الحسود
'' The messenger of God (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) states '' A jealous person is a person that has the least enjoyment from the life and enjoyment that he or she receives will be transient for him or her.
عن علي (عليه السّلام): الحسود لا تدوم له مسرّة
Imam Ali (peace be upon him) states '' the happiness of a jealous person is transient''. As a conclusion, it can be said that jealousy spoils happiness.

b. Imprudent action

All of sadness of a jealous person is to pay attention to the blessings of others and the wish of their declination. Hence, sometimes, a person does actions, does not analyze its consequences and his or her behavior causes problems for himself or herself and his or her family whose compensation will be impossible and very problematic. Therefore, Imam Ali (peace be upon him) states
الحسود سريع الوثبة بطيء العطفة
'' A jealous person loses his or her temper and he or she does not have any affection toward others''. Both of these consequences lead to discomfort and inadaptability among couples. Amir Al-Momenin (peace be upon him) has compared this bitter consequence beautifully
اذا امطر التحاسد انبتت التفاسد
'' Whenever the rain of jealousy grows, corruption grows instead of it''.

c. Lack of faith in God

One of corruptions of a jealous person is that a jealous person loses his or her faith in God. The messenger of God (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) states the role of jealousy in the declination of religion and faith
الا انّه قد دبّ اليکم داء الامم من قبلکم و هو الحسد ليس بحالق الشعر، لکنه حالق الدين
'' You should be aware that the pain of previous nations has communicated you. This attribute has not shaved your hair, but it shaves your religion and eradicates it''.
The word '' Halagh'' means shaving hair. This similarity represents that as nothing is left from the shaving of hair, jealousy does not remain faith for a person. Its reason is clear because a jealous person cannot see blessing that God has granted another one according to his wisdom and he or she announces his or her objection to the prudence of God.
On the other hand, faith in God and piety are considered as the most important factors of adaptability and comfort of spouse. A man came to the presence of Imam Hasan (peace be upon him) and consulted with Imam Hasan about the marriage of his daughter. Imam Hasan (peace be upon him) stated
زوّجها من رجل تقيّ فانّه ان احبها اکرمها و ان ابغضها لم يظلمها
'' You should have your daughter marry a pious man because if he loves your daughter, he will respect her and if he does not love your daughter, he will tyrannize your daughter''.
If a jealous person does not have any faith in God, naturally, living with such a person will not have comfort and adaptability''.

The treatment of jealousy

Since jealousy has negative effects in marital life, as some of them were mentioned, it is necessary to pay attention to the treatment of this moral unpleasant attribute in order to preserve family. In this part, some ways of the treatment of jealousy will be mentioned:

a. Providing an appropriate ground

Jealousy the same as other moral vices is due to some attributes and we cannot succeed to treat them without eradicating them. Hence, we should eradicate vanity and greed from our inner in order to eradicate jealousy.

b. Paying attention to consequences

Human should know that jealousy lead to the unhappiness of persons in the world and the afterlife. His or her jealousy does not only harm a jealous person, but it also has physical spiritual social and … problems for a jealous person. Attention along with prudence causes that if a person is interested in his or her happiness, he or she will get away from jealousy completely.

c. Imposition on soul

Practical way of fighting with corruption is that a person behaves in contrast with his or her jealousy and makes himself or herself behave in contrast with his or her jealousy with imposition on soul. For example, if jealousy make a person abuse a person, he or she should admire him or her, if jealousy makes a person vanity against another person, he or she should be modest against him or her and if jealousy makes him or her not do favors for others, he or she should make himself or herself do favors for others.

The consequences of emulation

Emulation means that a person feels that he or she is humiliated when he or she sees the life of other persons and he or she tries to grasp facilities that other persons have. This phenomenon is one of the most important factors that leads marital life toward stress and inadaptability. Hence, some consequences of emulation will be mentioned in marital life:

a. Envy

A person that always stares at the glitter of the life of other persons will not be needless and he or she will preserve the feeling of need. It is clear that the feeling needlessness does not make a person interested in his or her life and he or she becomes envious of the envious of the life of other persons without paying attention to the positive features of spouse and his or her life. This envy makes a person and his or her marital disintegrated. The messenger of God (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) states about this consequence
من اتبع بصره ما في ايدي الناس کثر همّه و لم يشف غيظه
'' If a person stares at whatever other persons have will have more grief and the pain of his or her heart becomes more''.

b. Lack of comfort

A person that considers material use of the life of other persons as a pattern tries to compensate the feeling of need. During this path, he or she puts himself or herself into difficulty and trouble and he or she makes his wife or her husband into troublesome efforts and his or her spouse meets the goal of his or her spouse through either halal way or harm way. Such an affair makes spouses discomfort and it enforces them to achieve their purpose by any means and they do not think whether it is a corruption or not.
The above cases are considered as the examples of the bitter consequences of emulation that makes the club of family face to a lot of problems. Hence, paying attention to the ways of dealing with this phenomenon is important.

The treatment of emulation

Some ways of the prevention or treatment of the plight of emulation include:

a. The avoidance of communication with world lovers:

To survive this plight (emulation), we should not have socializing with world lovers as least as possible as one of effective ways and through this way, we eradicate emulation. Exalted God prevents his prophet from paying attention to the transient blessings of the world and states
و لا تمدَّنَّ عينيک الي ما متّعنا به ازواجاً منهم زهرة الحيوة الدنيا
'' Nor strain thine eyes in longing for the things We have given for enjoyment to parties of them, the splendour of the life of this world''.
The necessity of avoiding looking at the glitter of the life of others is to decrease our relationship with others even though we cannot enter the sea, we can prevent from the wetness of our feet.

b. Paying attention to persons that are in lower lever of the life

From the point of view of the Islam, a wife and a husband should pay attention to the life of persons that are lower than themselves and they visit them. Such a behavior not only prevents from emulation, but it also establishes and improves the spirit of thanking and satisfaction of the life.
Hazrat Ali (peace be upon him) states Hareth Hamedani in a letter
و اَکثر ان تنظر الي من فُضِّلتَ عليه فان ذلک من ابواب الشکر
'' Pay attention to persons that are lower than you because it is the means of thanking''.
Imam Sadeq (peace be upon him) also explains the results of this way
انظر الي من هو دونک فتکون لا نعم الله شاکراً و لمزيده مستوجباً و لجوده ساکناً
'' Pay attention to a person that has less use from the blessings of God than you so that you can be thankful of blessings that you have, can be a decent person for the increase of the blessings of God and can be forgiven by God''.
A person may say '' such a point of view prevents a person from progress and stops him or her in a fixed situation because they look at persons that are in higher level of the life so that they can grow in the life. It should be answered in this way '' progress is the obligation of each Muslim for the comfort of Islamic society. It is not necessary that we emulate with each other so that we can progress. It is not appropriate that movement toward perfection can be considered as only motivation of emulation, but other motivations can have more permanent satisfaction.

c. Paying attention to the wisdom of the blessings of God

God grants his blessings to human in order to test them according to his wisdom, but short-sighted persons pay attention to this matter superficially without consider the purposes of God in these blessings and they wish the achievement of the glitter of the world. In the time of Hazrat Musa (peace be upon him), some short-sighted persons looked at Gharun and thought about the rich man of that era and when they observed the endless treasure of Gharun that made stout men that carried the keys of his treasures tired, they wished his properties and they considered his wealth as the sign of his greatness wrongly. Quran states about persons that wished the wealth of Gharun
فخرج علي قومه في زينته قال الذين يريدون الحياة الدنيا يا ليت لنا مثل ما اوتي قارون انّه لذو حظّ عظيم
''So he went forth among his people in the (pride of his wordly) glitter. Said those whose aim is the Life of this World: "Oh! that we had the like of what Qarun has got! for he is truly a lord of mighty good fortune''. !
After persons observed that Gharun and his wealth penetrated into the earth, they understood their mistake and realized that God prevented his blessings from some persons according to his wisdom;
و اصبح الذين تمنّوا مکانه بالامس يقولون و يکأنّ الله يبسط الرزق لمن يشاء من عباده و يقدر لولا ان منَّ الله علينا لخسف بنا و يکانّه لا يفلح الکافرون
''And those who had envied his position the day before began to say on the morrow: "Ah! it is indeed Allah Who enlarges the provision or restricts it, to any of His servants He pleases! had it not been that Allah was gracious to us, He could have caused the earth to swallow us up! Ah! those who reject Allah will assuredly never prosper''.
Therefore, the paying attention of families to the wisdom of granting and avoidance of exalted God is considered as an effective factor in the prevention of emulation.

d.Inflexibility from world lovers and advising them

In some situations, in spite of the fact that a person avoids emulation, his or her spouse tries to achieve the glitters of the world and imposes a lot of pressures on his or her spouse in order to achieve this purpose. In such conditions, what is the duty of a spouse? Should he or she try to meet the needs of his or her spouse or she or he endures and follows his or her desirable values?
The way of the life of the messenger of God (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) emphasizes on the second path. After the messenger of God (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) came back Kheibar War and usurped the treasure of Ale Abi Al-Haghigh, his wives requested the messenger of God treasure. The messenger of God (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) stated '' I divided it among the Muslims''. The wives of the prophet got angry and said '' do you imagine that if you divorce us, we will not find husbands for ourselves in the life among our tribe?'' The prophet (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) stated got angry from their remarks. He avoided being with them for twenty nine days and the following verses were descended
يا ايها النبي قل لازواجک ان کنتن تردن الحيوة الدنيا و زينتها فتعالين امتّعکن و اسرّحکن سراحاً جميلاً و ان کنتن تردن الله رسوله و الدار الاخرة فان الله اعدَّ للمحسنات منکن اجراً عظيماً
''O Prophet! Say to thy Consorts: "If it be that ye desire the life of this World, and its glitter,- then come! I will provide for your enjoyment and set you free in a handsome manner. But if ye seek Allah and His Messenger, and the Home of the Hereafter, verily Allah has prepared for the well-doers amongst you a great reward''.
This inflexible behavior along with the advice of the messenger of God (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) caused that they obeyed God and the messenger of God and gave up their inappropriate request.
Of course, as long as the request of spouse does not include emulation and unnecessary expectations, meeting his or her needs can be permitted and desirable, but whereas expectation is unnecessary and is considered as emulation, we should be flexible toward it. Of course, such a behavior should be accompanied with logic, advice and greatness.

Skills for dealing with jealousy and emulation

The following ways help you to stand against jealousy and emulation and deal with them:

a. Inculcation

A person that is at pain from the feature of jealousy is not satisfied of his or her life and with paying attention to the successes of others, he or she wishes that his or her successes are spoilt. One of effective skills that cannot lead to success in the life is that he or she expresses energetic words and inculcate them to herself or himself. Maybe, it seems a childish behavior, but what is important is that you can achieve desirable result and you make sure that most of successful persons have created enthusiasm and eagerness in themselves through this way and have gained necessary warmness for a successful life with using such a childish way. Expressing the following sentences will be effective factor in the decrease of jealousy;
I am satisfied of my life;
I am happy that my spouse is in the growth of growing;
I can achieve to my position that my has achieved with my attempts;
With the favor of God, I can surpass the group…

b. Sense of humor

It is a long time that psychologists have understood the value of sense of humor as a kind of contrastive skill. Such a thing provides a chance for us so that we can tell ourselves in the time of dealing with stress '' what seems to be dangerous is like a game''. It is too funny to consider it like a serious matter. Most of the matters of the life that jealousy has created are superficial and impermanent affairs. In this affairs, sense of humor helps to separate from problem and in return, we can find a chance to find solutions for our problems. Jealous persons have negative thoughts toward each other and have no support from others. People would like live beside happy and lively persons and they avoid persons that cannot see them.
Sense of humor in the topic jealousy causes that a person feels that he or she is a useful person and he or she does not see himself or herself as humiliated as he or she can be jealous toward others. Moreover, he or she does not only become jealous in order to remove his or her weak points, but he or she also looks for other ways. Sense of humor also brings people together and a chance is provided so that jealousy can be forgotten.
If we make fun of a person that we are jealous of, it will lead to affection toward him or her. Of course, it is clear that our meaning is mild sense of humor that is focused on a person. This kind of sense of humor is in contrast with sense of humor that is accompanied with sneering and animosity.

c. The encouragement of belongings

One of the examples of jealousy that leads the relationships of spouses to inadaptability is jealousy toward education and promotion to superb positions and the progress of spouse. Sometimes, some women feel that the burden of the life is on their shoulder and they should provide the ground of comfort of their husband in any ways, but their husbands pass scientific superb ranks and achieve social superb rank and position. Such a feeling leads jealousy toward spouse and a woman that should consider her husband as the partner of her life considered her as a competitor for herself and becomes jealous of his economic scientific social activities. Sometimes, men have such moods as well whereas they should know that the success of each one is considered as the victory of another one. They should encourage their spouses in the path of progress instead of jealousy and bad temper that leads to jealousy so that they can be proud of a successful spouses and can have calm and friendly life.
Such persons that apply all of their attempts for the comfort and success of their spouses should know that they should consider their spouse to share in all of their victories. Beihaghi says '' Asma Bint Yazid Ansari has narrated '' I came to the messenger of God (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) when he was among his companions, I said to him '' my father and mother sacrifice on the behalf of you. I have come to you from women. O' the messenger of God! My life sacrifices on the behalf of you. You should know that no women in the east and west of the world know that I have come to you and their remarks are same thing that I am going to tell you. Exalted God has selected you in right path has sent you toward the women and men of the world. I have belief in you and your creator that has sent you toward us. In our tribe, women are imprisoned at home and are dominated by men whereas we are the basis of house and life of men. We are women that satisfy the sexual desires of men and become pregnant for your children. But men have achieved superiorities in the religion of Islam, but we have none of them. You go to Friday prayer, group prayer, visit patients and take part in funeral ceremonies. You can go to Hajj several times during a year and more valuable than them, you fight at the path of God. When men go to Hajj and fight at the path of God, we preserve your properties, sew clothes for you and keep your properties. Don't we share in your reward? The messenger of God (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) looked at his companions and stated '' have you heard that a women asks about religious trains as well as she is asking?'' All of them said '' we have never thought that a woman thinks about such matters''. Then the messenger of God (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) looked at the woman and said '' O' woman! Come back and tell all of women that have such a question'' If all of you be in the service of your husbands, make him satisfied and obey him, the reward of all these will be equal with reward of whatever you considered for men. The woman came back when she was very happy.
This woman and other women were encouraged with the encouragement of the messenger of God (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) and remained permanent for fulfilling obligations.

d. Turning attention

Turning attention means that concentering on other things, you can get your attention away from a topic that makes you sad. It is not important about what you think, but it is important that you make yourself ignore your painful feeling. Of course, topics that involve pleasant thoughts such as thinking about pleasant memories or interesting plans have such advantage that make positive mood in you. The most sadness happens about jealousy when we think only about personal affairs. The result of this concentration is spiritual disorders and physical problems. If we can distract our mind from the topic, the ground of our comfort will be provided. Avoidance of joblessness, doing activities in free time, doing repetitive activities, remembering God with words, relaxing our mind with positive memories, exercising and … are the examples of turning our attention for the decrease of jealousy and problems that result from it.

The following requests can lead to jealousy:

My spouse should love no one.
I think that other persons are highly interested in him.
He should think only about his wife instead of helping others.
He owes me; therefore, he should behave according to my request.
Such beliefs make you loser in relationships with persons because it is not realistic and makes you feel misery and unlucky.
You can modify such feelings that may lead to jealousy with using logical thought according to the following way:
Other persons need the assistance and help of my spouse; therefore, I should not prevent him.
If I have more wishes than others, I will become more unsuccessful. Hence, I should rely on my belongings in order to satisfy my needs.
When other persons do not meet my needs, I become sad and disappointed. But this is reality and I should accept it.

e. concentrating on positive points

In most of cases, jealousy happens when a person ignores his or her positive points and concentrates on the positive points of other persons. Such a mood causes that such a person feels humiliated and becomes jealous. Concentrating on positive points increases self-esteem and it causes that a person avoids comparing himself or herself with others because it is not realistic and can lead to destructive consequences.

f. Being influenced by a positive pattern

Jealousy and emulation are the result of being influenced by persons that are not qualified to be a pattern. For example, one of your friends and relatives buys a modern furniture. Without considering the features of his or her pattern, you imitate him or her and want to buy it for yourself and your spouse by any means. Such following pattern causes that you ignore your choice and be under the control of the life style of others because you have no specific definition from pattern and have no specific norm for following a pattern. You make yourself face to problems every day, but if you choose your pattern according to moral and religious values, you have achieved stable and valuable pattern and you can arrange your plan according to it. After Amir Al-Momenin (peace be upon him) mentions some patterns of God, he describes the best pattern of human in this way
'' Obey your immaculate prophet (peace of Allah be upon him and hid descendants) because his way and approach are a pattern. The prophet (peace of Allah be upon him and hid descendants) sat on a ground without carpet and ate food and sat beside slaves humbly. He sew clothes and shoes with his own hands, sat on bare horse and even had another person sit behind him on his horse. He saw a curtain in his room that had pictures on it, so he called his spouse and said '' hide it from my view and when I see it, I remind of the glitter of the world. God has granted us a great favor and has granted us a leader so that I can pass his path''.