Thanking spouse

Thanking spouse is considered as an effective factor in the preservation and survival of family system. This factor not only provides the ground of adaptability among couples, but it also creates comfort for a family that is the purpose of a marriage. Although thanking seems a minor affair, but it has a wonderful effect on the consolidation of relationship among wives.

*The conception of thanking

Thanking means the expression of appreciation for material and spiritual favors that a generous person grants us. In return, blasphemy means ignore a blessing and not appreciating a blessing that a generous person has granted us.
Quran states
َئِن شَکَرتُم لَأزِيدَنَّکُم وَ لَئِن کَفَرتُم إِنَّ عَذابِي لَشَدِيدٌ
Hence, thanking a blessing means that a person appreciates a favor granted a person.

*The importance of thanking

Some persons imagine that if a person appreciates a person that had done a favor for him or her in his or her inner, it will be enough and there will be no need to express appreciation for it. However, inner intention needs a translator that expresses it with a clear expression and makes a person that has done a favor aware of it.
In some cases, a person that is under the favor and affection of his or her spouse imagines that appreciation is an additional and formal affair, but he or she does not know that the expression of appreciation has a deep effect on the soul of spouse. Therefore, Amir Al-Momenin (peace be upon him) considers thanking as the intention of a translator and states
الشکر ترجمان النية و لسان الطَّويه
'' Thanking expresses intention and inner language''.
The role of thanking in the consolidation of family foundation is as much as Imam Sadeq (peace be upon him) introduces it as the norm of the best wife and states
خير نسائکم التي ان اُعطيت شکرت و ان مُنعت رَضِيت
'' The best wife is a woman that if something is granted to her, she will thank you regularly and if something is avoided from her, she will be satisfied''.
Therefore, a person that wants to get married should consider the spirit of thanking as one of his or her norms in the selection of spouse at first and wants God to grant him or her a spouse that is grateful. Imam Ali (peace be upon him) states '' a person that wants to get married requests God his or her need in this way after he or she fulfils two rekats (units) of prayer and thanks God
اللهم ارزقني زوجة صالحة ولوداً شکوراً قنوعاً غيوراً ان احسنتُ شکرت
'' O' God! Grant me a spouse that is righteous, grateful, satisfied and bias and if I do favors for her, she will grateful to me''.
In these narrations, the thanking of a wife from her husband is emphasized, but it is natural that this thanking does not belong only women, but its importance ad role in the life includes mutual gratefulness among couples.

*The effects of thanking on the adaptability of couples

Some effects of thanking spouse that is emphasized in religious sources include:

a. the preservation of blessings

Thanking the favors and affections of a spouse causes that his or her kind behaviors continue. Imam Sajjad stated to one of his children in order to guide him
يا بنيّ اشکر من انعم عليک... فانه لا زوال للنعماء اذا شکرت و لا بقاء لها اذا کفرت
'' O' my son! Thank a person that had granted you a blessing because if a blessing is appreciated, it will be permanent and if it is not appreciated, it will not continue''.
Hence, if a person appreciates the favors of his or her spouse, he or she will use from the permanence of the favor of spouse.

b. The increase of blessings

Thanking the favor of a spouse not only preserves it, but it also provides the ground of its increase. In fact, thanking the favors of spouse is like an improver that reinforces and improves the kind behaviors of spouse. This effect is reflected on the statement of Amir Al-Momenin that states
اغتنموا الشکر فادني نفعه الزيادة
'' Take advantage of appreciation because its least benefit is the increase of blessings''.
It is clear that the necessity of such thanking is that a person analyses the behaviors of the opposite side carefully and evaluates it with positive point of view. In such a situation, he or she expresses appreciation. Hence, it is appropriate that after a man enters house, apart from hearing her daily activities, he expresses his support toward her and appreciates her. A woman should also pay attention to the small and big activities of her husband for the provision of different needs and appreciate him with her behaviors and remarks.

c. The reinforcement of affection

Thanking spouse reinforces affection among spouses and provides the ground of adaptability among couples more and more. When a spouse thanks his wife or her husband, he or she understand that he or she has a grateful wife or husband and this leads to the improvement of affection and kindness. Thanking a spouse that is not satisfied of his wife or her husband will remove sadness and will lead to affection toward him or her. Imam Ali (peace be upon him) states the role of thanking in the improvement of affection in this way
شکرک للراضي عنک يزيده رضاً و وفاءً و شکرک للساخط عليک يوجب لک منه صلاحاً و تعطفاً
'' When you thank a person that is satisfied of you, it will lead to his or her more satisfaction and faithfulness and thanking a person that is not satisfied of you leads to the removal of sadness and his or her kindness toward you''.

d. Happiness

According to the results that were mentioned, thanking will lead to the happiness of a person that thanks. Moreover, he or she guarantees the endurance of the favor of his wife or her husband toward him or her and provides the ground of its increase. This process helps to establish the love and affection among couples. It is clear that these will lead to the adaptability and happiness of family.

*The kinds of thanking

 

Thanking spouse can be implemented in different ways and it can be considered as two main oral and behavioral ways.
Oral thanking means that language as the favors of spouse are thanked through language as the factor of teller of intention. As it was expressed, this kind of thanking is essential and it should not be considered as an unnecessary and formal affair. But behavioral thanking means that the behaviors of spouse represents the appreciation of the attempts of spouse. Kind look, smile and surprise due to interest in the favor of spouse and ...are the simplest examples of behavioral thanking. Moreover, buying a gift, decreasing the responsibilities of spouse and cooperating with him or her in fulfilling obligations are the most effective examples of appreciation. However, if thanking is a combination of remarks and behaviors, it will have double effect on the comfort of family and adaptability among couples.

*The way of dealing with the ungratefulness of spouse

In spite of the fact that thanking is important, some persons avoid thanking spouses or they do not behave in the way that they express their appreciation. What is the duty of a hardworking person in dealing with such an ungrateful spouse?
It is completely clear that it is possible to deal with such a topic in different ways. One of them is that we avoid doing favors for an ungrateful spouse because he or she has not been deserved to such favors. Moreover, we should censure him or her because he or she ignores such attempts. But the thirst way is that we ignore the ungratefulness of our spouse and we already grant our spouse favors.
It can be understood easily that the first and second ways do not solve such a problem and they may cause stress in relationship among couples. But it is hoped that a new challenge will not be established with the third way and the continuity of goodness to spouse. Only the fault of the third way is that the continuity of spouse in such conditions involves the tolerance of difficulties due to the ungratefulness of spouse. In other words, this question is presented'' how can we ignore all of this ungratefulness, ignore it and do favors for our spouse still?
According to Islamic point of view, the answer of such a question is completely clear. From the point of the view of the Islam, moral principles are implemented when a benevolent person does not work only for the intention of reward, but he or she does not try to get attention of the opposite side. When Ahle Beit (peace be upon them) were faithful their vow toward the recovery of Imam Hasan (peace be upon him) and Imam Hussein (peace be upon him) and fasted, they granted the remains of their food to the poor, orphans and the captured and said
انما نطعمکم لوجه الله لانريد منکم جزاءً و لا شکوراً
'' We give you food for the sake of God we do not want you any gratitude''.
Such great persons have considered the norm of such a sincere action that they do not expect any reward and do not wait even for any gratitude. But the motivation of action should be the satisfaction of God. Hence, Imam Ali (peace be upon him) states
لا يزهدنّک في المعروف من لا يشکره لک، فقد يشکرک عليه من لا يستمتع بشيء منه، و قد تُدرک من شکر الشاکر اکثر ممّا اضاع الکافر، والله يحب المحسنين
'' The ungratefulness of others should not make you stop doing favors for others. God benefits nothing from that good action, but he appreciates you and you gain from the thanking of God much more than something that an ungrateful person has not given and God loves benevolent persons.
Hence, it can be said that the ungratefulness of spouse should not cause that a good action is left in order to attract the satisfaction of God. Such a good action is for the sake of God and naturally he will be the best grateful person. Sometimes, even God considers the ungratefulness of spouse as the test of sincere action of a person so that a person can show his or her sincerity to exalted God completely and achieve high spiritual ranks.
The prophet (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) considered the dearest person in the presence of God benevolent persons whose good actions are appreciated
افضل الناس عندالله منزلة و اقربهم من الله المحسن يُکفّر احسانه
''A person that considers goodness to others, such as spouse, as the attention of God to himself or herself, considers goodness to others like a tree that he or she grows his or her house and uses its fruit and shadow even though his or her neighbor uses some of it. Such a person is aware that he or she should not expect reward from others for good actions that he or she does for others. We end this matter with a narration from Amir Al-Momenin (peace be upon him)
انّ مکرمة صنعتها الي احدٍ من الناس، انما اکرمت بها نفسک، و زيَّنتَ بها عرضک فلا تطلب من غيرک شکرما صنعت الي نفسک
'' If you do a favor for others, in fact, you have gratified and respected yourself. Hence, you should not expect gratitude from others''.

*Skills about thanking spouse

Persons that want a happy life would like ways that they can express their appreciation to their spouse with applying them.

a. Listening

When one of spouses expresses their success or daily activity for his wife and her husband, his or her spouse can express his or her gratitude with listening to his or her remarks carefully. When we listen to the remarks of our spouse, we should use our eyes, face and all of our body not only through listening.
Persons that listen to the matters of their spouse carelessly or study newspaper or watch TV and say '' my ear is with you'' when their spouse talk '' my ear is with you'' cause cold relationships among themselves. Stretching forward heads, looking at eyes, expressing remarks as the sign of attention and the presentation of questions that are considered as paying attention to the matters of spouses are the conditions of listening effectively and carefully.

b. The expression of attention and carefulness

One of the ways of thanking spouse is to pay attention to his or her impressive actions. Our spouse should know that we are aware of his or her valuable activities in family life. Hence, when a man enters house, he should pay attention to the changes of house that are the results of the activities of spouse and reminds that he does not care about her efforts at home. A house wife should follow the attempts and activities of her husband and shows that she is sensitive and grateful toward the smallest favor that he has done. It should be also mentioned that if this attention is not accompanied with verbal thanking, it will be considered as a kind of effective practical thanking.
Mrs. Durti Carnegy writes about the importance of paying attention to the services of spouse
'' I imagined that my husband was clumsy about the activities of house and I had to put water into his mouth. As a sudden, he travelled Europe and when I stayed alone at home, I understood what services my husband had done for me and unfortunately, I did not thank him for all of his affections and favors.
I should ask him about the certain activities that he does about daily affairs in order to show my attention to the activities of my husband. For example, I should ask him '' did you visit doctor or not?''. Of course, it is important about the way that a question is presented. A question should not be presented in a bad way, but a question should be presented in a way that represents our attention to our husband and our appreciation from his attempts.

c. Verbal thanking

Some persons imagine that granting precious gifts is the way of the services of our spouse. Sometimes, the effect of verbal thanking is much more than material gift. Sometimes, saying the word '' thank you'' more than buying clothes can influence the soul of woman and make them relaxed. A woman should thank her husband, should express his attempts and should be grateful toward her husband. Saying such words leaves good effects on his soul. Sometimes, expressing the activities and attempts of our spouse in the presence of relatives is the representative of gratefulness soul from our spouse. Amir Al-Momenin (peace be upon him) reported the activities of Hazrat Fateme (peace be upon her) to the messenger of God (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants).

d. Past successes

In this skill, last successes are reminded and positive feedback is given to it. Remembering and expressing the activities of spouse has wonderful effect on the endurance of the activities and the establishment and improvement of pleasant feeling on spouse. Imam Ali (peace be upon him) stated to Malek Ashtar that was appointed as the governor of Egypt
و واصل في حسن الثناء عليهم و تعديد ما ابلي ذوو البلاء منهم فان کثرة الذکر لحسن افعالهم تهزّ الشجاع و تحرّض النّاکل ان شاء الله؛
'' Encourage the heads of your troop regularly and remind them important activities that they have done because reminding their good actions encourage the brave persons to more movement and God willing, they will be encouraged to more activity''.
Such an order has been issued about military heads, but it is general and it can be true about the successes and selflessness of spouse.

e. Touching

Packing or shaking hands are the examples of touching that can be used for showing support from a person that is touched or as the sign of support of another member of family that observes touch. Physical touch according to different factors such as a person that is touched (friend or stranger) the nature of physical touch (short, long/ slow or hard) and the environment of touch ( work place, street, house and …) can be the sign of emotion, sexual attraction, care and harshness. In spite of such complexity, documents show that whenever touching is acceptable, it usually leads to reaction. Therefore, one of the ways of thanking of spouse is physical touch. If such an affair is done properly and according to the spirits and desires of spouse, it will be considered as a kind of effective non-verbal thanking.
It should be paid attention that physical touch will not have positive effects. If touching is accompanied with pressure or it is done in a situation as inappropriate touch, it may cause anxiety, anger and negative reactions.

f. Positive improvement

The secret of this practice is that you oblige your children or spouse to do a good job. This is a behavioral way that obliges husband and wife to see each other exactly. When they oblige each other to say something or to do something, good feeling is created in them and they appreciate each other verbally and non-verbally.
One of the examples of positive improvement is that after a person observes the desirable remarks or behaviors of spouse, he or she wishes him or her well and prays for him or her. After Hazrat Ibrahim (peace be upon him) left his wife and child in the hot desert of Hejaz, his wife did not object to it and Hazrat Ibrahim (peace be upon him) prayed for her;
رَّبَّنَا إِنِّي أَسْكَنتُ مِن ذُرِّيَّتِي بِوَادٍ غَيْرِ ذِي زَرْعٍ عِندَ بَيْتِكَ الْمُحَرَّمِ رَبَّنَا لِيُقِيمُواْ الصَّلاَةَ فَاجْعَلْ أَفْئِدَةً مِّنَ النَّاسِ تَهْوِي إِلَيْهِمْ وَارْزُقْهُم مِّنَ الثَّمَرَاتِ لَعَلَّهُمْ يَشْكُرُونَ
'' O' God! I resorted one of my children in an obsolete desert in Beit Al-Haram so that he could pray. Hence, make the hearts of some persons become interested toward them and give them blessings from the kinds of benefits. Maybe they become grateful toward you''.